Sometimes I feel so out of place. Like I dont belong anywhere. I see moms with their toddlers and think "I have a 3yr old" but then I think "but I dont get to keep him, I have to give him back even though most involved don't think it's what is best". I see people who are pregnant and think "I was just pregnant, still should be but instead my baby lives in heaven now." I wonder if these strangers can see the pain behind my smile or if to them I am just a lady smiling and waving hi to their child. I look around and wonder, are any of these people like me? Or are they all blissfully unaware of the tragedy of losing their child?
When we found out we were pregnant with Grant we both said that Gods timing was perfect. We knew our foster kids would be leaving, most likely at the end of April, and we knew how hard that was going to be. We both said that God gave us Grant so we would have a child we could keep and have something to look forward to in our sadness of losing D and A. Apparently we were wrong. I'm not sure what Gods plans are but I know that He works things for His good for those who love Him.
Early in my pregnancy with Grant I had some bleeding. I was told this was normal but it still scared me. I remember praying then that Grant was my baby but that he wasn't really mine, God was letting me have him for a time to raise him but that he was actually Gods and I told God then exactly that. I recognized that God was just "loaning" Grant to us. When I told God that I understood this and that Grant was His I didn't really think that I would have to give Grant back so soon. I don't know if I would have so willingly said to God that he could have Grant if I knew what I know now. Maybe that is part of the plan. I was learning then to put my complete trust in God like I never had before. I was giving Him one of the most important people in my life. God didn't take Grant from us. I don't think God did this to us. I do think that God knew it was going to happen. Bad things happen, they have since the fall of man and will continue to until Christ returns. The beauty of it is that God will work the bad things together into something beautiful if we continue to follow and trust in him. Our story isn't over yet. I have no idea what the next chapter says and honestly that terrifies me, but I know there is another chapter and I know that by the end of the story beautiful things will have come of this tragedy.
I still feel like I don't belong. Like I'm walking around in a world that I don't really fit in to. I look at people and wonder if they know grief like I do and hope that they don't. I'm part of a "club" that no one should be a part of and I feel like these women are the only ones that truly understand what I'm saying.