Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Another One Come and Gone

Another Mother's Day has come and gone. I love my mom! She is fabulous! I just wish that I could celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. It seems that every day I hear about people I grew up with having babies. I can't wait to be a mom. I am about to start another round of meds this month to make me ovulate, hopefully I'll get pregnant.

Jonathan and I talked the other day and it was kinda cool....I had been thinking about the options we have to become parents. I have been praying about this and researching our options. On Friday an idea came into my head and I talked to God about it. My idea was to give our infertility treatments a few more monthsl and if we had no pregnancy we could start the adoption process. We went on a date that night and Jonathan started a conversation talking about when I would be willing to consider adoption. I really think that God is working on our hearts to accept a little one into our lives soon, be it from my room or from someone elses, either way they will be chosen by God.

Now the question is how do you adopt? How do we go about chosing an agency? Do we chose a child wiht disabilities? Do we chose to wait for a newborn? If we say we are ok with disabilities, how far are we willing to go? How old of a child are we willing to take? These are my thoughts. I want a baby, one no older than about 14-15 months, but I would prefer one under about 9 months. I want a child with a normal mental capacity, one that can interact and grow. I would love to have a child with no disabilities but I know that we would be able to provide a wonderful home to a child with dissabilities. I don't want to ask Jonathan to accept a child that is going to be harder to care for because they have dissabilities. I don't know. We will be continuing to pray about it.


Monday, May 3, 2010

The Journey

The infertility journey that is. We have been trying to have a baby since Nov. 2008. I learned in Nov 2009 that I have PCOS. PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disorder where your ovary has lots of cysts (or follicles) but each month you don't make the right hormones in the right amounts to cause you to develop a follicle into an egg and then cause it to release, meaning getting pregnant doesn't happen to often. I have been taking Clomid (a hormone that causes follicles to make eggs) since Jan of this year and the first 3 rounds were unsuccseful. I am now at the max dose of clomid and the last round an egg was developed and released after giving myself a shot (yuck). However, as well all know, people don't always get pregnant the first time. We are taking the month of May off and will be trying again in June.

That's all the facts, but it's not just about facts. It's more about feelings or emotions. I long to have a baby. My arms ache to hold a little one. To wake up at 2am for feedings, to watch them smile for the first time, sit up, roll over, crawl, walk, get into stuff. To see my wonderful husband fall head over heals in love with our child. I walk down the street, go to the mall, go to work and see babies everywhere. It kills me to see people who have children but aren't taking care of them, aren't parenting, or don't seem to love their gifts from God. On the flip side, it's wonderful to see people who treasure their children as the gifts that they are.

Do you know how bad it hurts to see your friends having babies and you are still aching to hold your own? Friends that you grew up with dreaming about having children together. Some of them having their 2nd or 3rd children already and I don't have one. I know that sounds terrible and I am truly happy for them to have children but I want to be where they are. Most days I don't think about it, but then it hits me and I can't help but cry. We are considering adoption and I think that if in a few months the meds don't work we will start working more diligently towards adoption. I really want a baby, not a toddler or preschool aged child. I want a child that I can watch grow from the beginning, who doesn't remember being neglected or abused. Maybe when we are experienced parents we can adopt an older child but I don't think we are ready for that and I'm just not ready to give up my dream of having an infant.

Off to work I must go.