Monday, July 30, 2012

Nose Tingling Days

My nose starts tingling when I'm about to cry. It's been tingling quite a bit the last few days and even more today. Grant's original due date was August 2. That is only 3 days away. I wish I was cuddling with my sweet boy right now or anxiously awaiting his arrival. I am also NOT pregnant, again :( I want to be pregnant again so very badly. Not to replace Grant, but to give him a baby brother or sister. We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of the week to get away and spend some time together. I need to not be at home this week. I miss my baby boy and all that his life promised to bring. A friend who understands where I am said today "I hope your trip is as good as it can be." I responded with a true answer. I said "I know that it will be ok in the end." I can't say how this week is going to go. I have a feeling it will be hard, really hard, but I can't say that for sure. However, I do know that in the end it will be ok. So far on this journey everything has turned out ok in the long run. It doesn't mean that some days aren't gut wrenching sobbing, nausea filled, red eyed days. It just means that I know that God is here and loves me and that in the end it will be ok. I know that one day I will see that sweet face again and until then he is living in splendor and glory.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Thankful Thursday #8

We have been blessed this week.
1. Thankful for random greeting cards from people 4 months later saying they remember Grant and are thinking of us
2. Thankful for text messages from friends
3. Thankful for Tylenol and Popsicles while I have one of the worst sore throats of my life
4. Thankful for a husband who goes and gets said Tylenol and antibiotics while I'm feeling crummy
5. Thankful for my ability to make baby presents so I don't have to go in the baby section of stores.

Monday, July 23, 2012

4 Months

Happy 4 Months in Heaven Baby Boy!!!!

Today we got something in the mail for you. Your urn came in and it is perfect for you. I love that we got it today, on your 4 month birthday. It just makes it that much more special. We love you sweet boy.

Friday, July 20, 2012


My emotions are unpredictable. For the past few weeks I have been having really good days. This makes me happy. Grant's due date is rapidly approaching (Aug 2) and yet I am still able to have good days. However, sometimes, sadness hits without warning. For example, tonight we were at Texas Roadhouse  (yum!) for dinner and a lady with a huge pregnant belly walked in. Instantly I thought of what I would likely look like right now if I were 38 weeks pregnant and instantly I got sad. So sad I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Tears streaming down my face in public doesn't happen all that often anymore but today it did. I'm generally not jealous of other pregnant bellies. I used to be, back when I was struggling with infertility. I would often think "I wish that were me" and be jealous. Now, I just think "I want to be pregnant again" with out the jealousy. I also think "I sure hope their baby is healthy." A good friend of mine who's son died at 21 weeks a few years ago has been so helpful. She is always encouraging and it is so nice to see her with her two healthy boys after her loss. This week she let me talk about how I am feeling and I knew she understood. She "got it". Thank you for listening to me :). I wish I could predict my emotions better. I don't like crying in public and feeling so vulnerable. I know that the next few weeks will likely have lots more days where I shed tears and I know that it is ok to do so. I miss my baby boy, always will. However, I am so so thankful for his life. I try to remind myself that August 2nd is no longer a super important date. Yes, it will always have meaning but March 23 is the day to remember now, just like if he had been born on any day besides his due date and had been healthy. I also try to remind myself when I see babies who were born around the same time as him that he wouldn't be doing what they are doing. He was too premature and didn't have lungs develop.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Under Construction

Me. My house. Me.

I figured under construction was a good title for this post. Ever since March 8 and the ultrasound that sent us on this path I have felt like I am under construction. Being broken down so I can be built back up into something better, someone better. Very much like the potter and the clay. I'm most definitely the clay with the only potter I'm willing to have build me back up being God. I'm still under construction. I don't have the slightest idea what the finished product will look like and I have finally accepted that I don't need to know that. All I need to do is have faith that the potter knows and has a vision per se and trust that that vision is so much better than I can imagine. In church yesterday we talked about knowing something that we are destined to do or are supposed to be involved in and yet we can't see how that is ever supposed to happen based on where we are today. I totally get it! We are supposed to be parents to multiple children that we will raise into adulthood. However, we currently have no children living in our home and don't know when we will again. We have no idea when God will place these children with us, yet we are trusting He will. We are praying with purpose, confidence and believing that God will do this.

Our house is under construction too. We are currently repainting the living room/dining room and hall. I will do a post of the make over when it is complete. I love having this project to work on during the times I don't have a whole lot going on right now. It keeps me from dwelling on the what should have beens. I'm excited to see the finished product. I love the paint color. My hubby has a great eye for picking out paint color and decorating stuff. He's also a great helper on projects.

My heart is under construction as the hundreds of tiny pieces that it shattered into when our son died are being put back together. I am starting to think it will be something like a mosaic or stained glass window. So much more beautiful put together as pieces than as a solid piece.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Thankful Thursday #7

1. Thankful that my sweet friend Amanda's baby boy Liam was born full term and healthy today after being on bed rest since 14 weeks. She is a miracle as are both of her precious babies! You can follow her story here: Ardill Family

2. My best friend Allie is 28 almost 29 weeks pregnant. We were enjoying being pregnant together until Grant was born, however she has continued to be a super supportive and understanding friend. I love her like a sister and am thankful for her healthy pregnancy.

3. My job. I love my job and the lives I get to help.

4. The ability to exercise. I have to say that I traditionally hate exercising. However, Jonathan and I are on a quest to get healthier and I have found that I enjoy swimming laps. I don't know that I've lost any weight but my clothes fit better and I feel better.

5. The ability to grieve knowing that one day I will see my sweet baby again because of the wonderfulness of my God. I am sad. Some days are still really really hard. I wish I was finishing nesting and would be bringing home my sweet baby in a few weeks but I'm not. I am thankful for the time I had with him and the wonder he brought to our lives. I am more thankful that one day I will get to spend eternity with him.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Happy Birthday Jonathan!!!

This post is a few days late since we were celebrating in Dallas on his birthday. Jonathan celebrated his 31st birthday on July 7!

Jonathan, mi amor :)

Happy Birthday! You are the best husband a girl could ever ask for. I know this birthday was bitter sweet as you were expecting to be a soon to be dad, but instead you are the best daddy in the world to Grant. You are the most kind, loving, compassionate, strong man. You are a baby whisperer, child tamer, wonderful daddy to so many. You seriously have a gift when it comes to children and that is one thing that drew me to you those 8 years ago. I remember walking into your church (later our church) with you and seeing a little girl in a white and blue dress run up to you yelling your name and jumping  into your arms. My heart melted in that moment. I am so incredibly proud of you. You have successfully completed your 1st year of college during some of the most stressful, trying times. I love you so much and can't wait to see what this year has in store for you!

5 day Recap...Mini Vacation

We traveled to the DFW area on the 4th to spend some time with family and friends and returned today.

4th:  We made lunch and enjoyed eating and laughing at my sister's house. Yummy homemade flautas, chicken enchiladas, rice, guacamole, queso! Then my sister and brother-in-law, brother and sister-in-law, Jonathan and I all took my brother's boat and went fishing and swimming. We had so much fun hanging out together. We saw some firework shows on our way home.

5th: Jonathan and I went shopping for new shorts for him and new flip flops for me. Our puppy had chewed through 3 pairs of my flip flops and I was seriously sad that I had to wear tennis shoes for 2 days (maybe I have a flip flop addiction) :). We picked my grandmother up for dinner and met my parents, brother and nieces for dinner.

6th: We hung out at my sister's house most of the day and then went to dinner with friends. This is the dinner I was asking for prayers for. Thank you for that! When our friends with the baby boy arrived at first I couldn't even look at him without getting teary eyed. Then we went bowling with them and I made myself hold him. I can't avoid holding babies forever. I love babies. I'm just glad it was dark in the bowling alley so that no one saw the tears falling as I held him the first time. I held him again a little while later and it was much easier the second time. Our friends were so understanding and loving, truly great friends to have.

7th: We went to a casino with my sister and brother-in-law for Jonathan's birthday. We walked away with as much money as we went to play with and had so much fun spending the day together.

8th: We went back to our old church where we saw some more friends, enjoyed lunch with Jonathan's mom and dinner with Jonathan's dad. Jonathan and I played a few rounds of ping-pong and darts at my sister's house and then we all went to bed.

Today we drove home and it is so nice to be back. However, our town is currently on a boil water advisory and water restriction. On Saturday lightning struck the water treatment facility and all business except the hospital were made to close. People were asked to not use water except for cooking/drinking and then to boil the water for 2 minutes prior to use. The power has been restored to the facility but they are still re-filling all of the tanks and the water still has to be boiled before use. I've boiled a few pots of water today for us and the dogs to drink. Thankfully we took showers at my sister's before we left this morning.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Outta My Mind

Music has never really been "my thing". I have no musical talent whats-so-ever. However, certain songs in the past have touched me and been special. Ever since Grant's diagnosis and then death music has been more of a constant in my life. It allows me to express my feelings through other's words. It allows me to praise God in the hardest of times. This song has really spoken to me lately. I've heard it countless times on the radio but have just recently started really listening to the words. I've always struggled with looking at other people's lives thinking "when is it going to be my turn?" "When are we going to get to be forever parents?" Well, now that I have lost my son and I am a forever mom to a baby in heaven and I may or may not ever be a forever mom to a child here on earth (since I'm not the one that decides that), I have to keep myself from thinking that way. All that thinking that way gets me is frustrated and disappointed and jealous. Those aren't things that God has for me. Hence, the reason this song speaks to me.

The song is "Outta My Mind" by Anthem Lights. Here are the lyrics followed by a you-tube video.

"Outta My Mind"
Feelin’ like I got a front row seat to watch everybody be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face, it’s so hard to not complain
Gotta try not to say
O God, what about me
‘Cause I know that’s not the way that I’m supposed to be

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

There's a bigger picture on display and it's starting to come in focus
Causing me to see to see the ones in need outside my little world
Gotta try, just to say
O God, what can I do
Doesn't matter what it takes, I wanna lead them all to You

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

If anybody asks me what have I been up to
This is what I'm gonna say
I've been spending my time, outta my mind
And I'm really lovin’ livin’ this way

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Get me outta my mind
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

This evening we are going to dinner with friends of ours to celebrate birthdays. I love these people like family and they are some of the best friends Jonathan has and he considers them family. However, I am really nervous about going. There will be 2 babies there. 1 is a one year old little girl that I have seen multiple times. One is a new baby boy who was born the day before Grant's memorial service. We prayed for this couple to have this baby (they had infertility too), and he was born premature while his mommy was really sick. However, I had dreams that their son and our son would grow up being friends (just like their daddies). I'm scared that I'm going to break down and lose it in front of everyone. I think I will have to have this song and a few others on repeat in my head. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Thankful Thursday #6

This has been a hard week. I have a feeling this whole month will be hard. However, in the hard times I try to find things to be thankful for.

1. 4th of July spent with my family. We cooked Mexican Food and spent the afternoon on my brothers boat swimming and fishing.

2. My husband. He is so incredibly supportive. He is helping me start the non-profit and I think he may be as excited as I am.

3. The prospect of home improvement projects this summer. I love good makeovers. Painting and redirecting will be fun and provide a good distraction.

4. Spending 5 days in Dallas with our family and friends.

5. Babies who are born crying and healthy. I no longer take it for granted and thank God when my friends have healthy babies.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Blog Therapy

Today I am linking up to Tesha's here: Tesha's Blog Hop She posed the question about is blogging helpful for grief?

Here is my take on it................YES!!!!!!
Blogging about our loss, our journey through this, and how God is bringing us through has been so immensely helpful. It has allowed me to express my feelings openly when I didn't think I could find the words. It has allowed me to say things that I don't think at the time I could have verbalized. It has allowed my friends and family to really understand how I'm feeling even though I often times say we are doing just fine. Most of the time now I am doing ok. Most days are good days, but some days are still really bad days and this blog allows me to convey that. I also love that it allows me to connect to other mommies just like me. Us mommies who have lost babies often times feel very alone in this great big world and it is so nice to have friends who understand and will come beside you on those really hard days and encourage and pray for you. Real life friends and family are great and I wouldn't trade mine for anything but my blog friends who know exactly what I'm feeling are a blessing from God. Journaling our life has been so therapeutic for me. Often times in the beginning I would pick up the computer when I NEEDED to express my feelings and write as tears splashed on my keyboard. When I was done writing I would already feel better and have a new perspective. I agree that continually reading other peoples blogs where they are constantly in their darkest days can be very dangerous for a person who is still struggling. It's ok to be constantly in the dark for a time, most of us felt that way for some period of time, and as someone who has come from there it is nice to be able to go to those people and encourage them and see where I have been. I love reading blogs of other mommies who are ahead of me on my journey. Blogs where they are happy again and have incorporated their baby into their family beautifully even though they still miss them. They give me hope of what I have ahead of me. I really hope to make some of my blog friends "in real life friends" one day. These women have been an incredible support system for me and others, truly a gift from God.

Why is grief so taboo? Especially baby loss? Is it because it makes other's uncomfortable? Is it because people don't even want to acknowledge that babies die because that is so innately wrong? Whatever the answer is I hope that by mine and my friends blogging things will change for others. I hope that society will see that those that lose a child will never "get over it". That we may always be a different person because of our loss and that is ok. That sometimes, even years after our loss, something will remind us of the pain of our loss and we will gasp for breath in pain again. I pray that people will come to my blog and see that it isn't me that is strong, it is my God. It isn't my power or abilities that is getting me step by step further down this path. That is all my God's doing and for that I am so grateful.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

One Month To Go

One month from tomorrow is Grant's due date. I would be almost 36 weeks pregnant this week. I can imagine that I would finally be relaxing about having him anytime. I know too much about premature babies. Most moms anxiously await 23-24 weeks, I know I would have anxiously awaited at least 28 weeks and by 36 weeks would be breathing a big sigh of relief. I have a feeling that I would be nesting like crazy, washing all the new clothes we would have gotten at the baby showers, etc. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about the what would have beens, but it is so hard. This is so very hard. I miss him every single day.

Today I went to sunday school. It is so hard to go there. I know that it is where I need to be each Sunday and that we have support there but it is still hard and honestly I can't make myself go every week. We are in a class full of people around the same age as us, in the same stage of life. This means most of them have children. There are so many women pregnant or who have just had babies in our class. There are baby showers and diaper dumps being announced each week. Each week I see this breaks my heart. Our baby shower should be being announced. It's so hard to hold back all the tears each week. Today I got in my car and cried. I just sat in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face.

Today we talked about what is it that we are saying no or making excuses about that God has called us to do. This was based on Psalm 2. In this Psalm basically people are saying no, we don't want a new king and God is saying I have already appointed one. God calls each of us to serve him. All of us are called to share him with others, how we go about doing that is not always the same as someone else. Jonathan and I believe that God is calling us to look into starting a non-profit organization in Grant's name. We believe that this will allow us to reach more hospitals with our donations and will allow us to have more community support. There is a lot that goes into starting a non-profit. I have a full time job, Jonathan is a full time student, we are foster parents, etc. All things that I know Satan will use to try to convince us otherwise. I would ask that you pray for us as we do more research and begin going down this path. I'm glad I went to church today, even if it did start and end with tears. If it weren't for the love of my God I wouldn't be where I am in this journey, that I am sure of.