Friday, July 20, 2012


My emotions are unpredictable. For the past few weeks I have been having really good days. This makes me happy. Grant's due date is rapidly approaching (Aug 2) and yet I am still able to have good days. However, sometimes, sadness hits without warning. For example, tonight we were at Texas Roadhouse  (yum!) for dinner and a lady with a huge pregnant belly walked in. Instantly I thought of what I would likely look like right now if I were 38 weeks pregnant and instantly I got sad. So sad I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Tears streaming down my face in public doesn't happen all that often anymore but today it did. I'm generally not jealous of other pregnant bellies. I used to be, back when I was struggling with infertility. I would often think "I wish that were me" and be jealous. Now, I just think "I want to be pregnant again" with out the jealousy. I also think "I sure hope their baby is healthy." A good friend of mine who's son died at 21 weeks a few years ago has been so helpful. She is always encouraging and it is so nice to see her with her two healthy boys after her loss. This week she let me talk about how I am feeling and I knew she understood. She "got it". Thank you for listening to me :). I wish I could predict my emotions better. I don't like crying in public and feeling so vulnerable. I know that the next few weeks will likely have lots more days where I shed tears and I know that it is ok to do so. I miss my baby boy, always will. However, I am so so thankful for his life. I try to remind myself that August 2nd is no longer a super important date. Yes, it will always have meaning but March 23 is the day to remember now, just like if he had been born on any day besides his due date and had been healthy. I also try to remind myself when I see babies who were born around the same time as him that he wouldn't be doing what they are doing. He was too premature and didn't have lungs develop.


  1. Praying for you, sweet Kristy. I'm glad you have support from others who have walked this road before. Your honesty and sweet spirit are blessings to so many. Lots of hugs!

  2. (((Hugs))) to you!! I too have a friend who has been through a similar experience and it has helped more than words can say!! Having support so helpful on so many levels. I am so glad you have this too!

    Crying is good for your grieving process!! As my DH tells me, let it out!! I will be thinking of you!!

  3. Kristy, I think we are living parallel lives ;) Mark and I decided not to "celebrate" the due date. We don't celebrate the due dates of other we're just going to let that one go. (not that the actual day won't be difficult...but we're choosing not to make it an annual event...we will have our "Heaven Day" to celebrate in March each year)

    As for public crying...ME TOO. While it's not something I'm proud of, I'm just going with I sat on a pier mid-run and just cried- I didn't care if anyone walked up. In fact I think someone did, then turned around and left. I think allowing ourselves to break down from time to time and just let us out is what makes it possible to have the good days! Praying you have more and more good days...and allow yourself the opportunity to mourn when you need to.

    Big 'ol hug from NC!

  4. Oh Kristy I am so sorry you are at this point. It was so hard for me. I will be flying on Aug 2nd and pray alot when I you can know that I will be praying for you my friend. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself you will make it!(HUGS)

  5. h sweetie, I am so sorry! I know what you mean, the first due date for Gideon was hard, as it was only 7 weeks from when he was born. But we do not celebrate his due date for that is not his day. His day is May 17th, the day he was born.

    I am praying so much for you!!!

    I sometimes cry in public when I see 1 year old little boys. And sometimes when I see little boys with strawberry blonde hair. I think that we will always go through this, in 17 years I am sure I will cry when I see graduation things around and imagine Gideon graduating from high school. I dont like to cry in public either, but sometimes I just have to let the grief come in that moment. And I let the tears fall.

    I love you, my friend. If you need anything, or need to talk, or cry, I am always here. (OH! While I am thinking about it, if you are planning on going to Homecoming at ETBU, let me know! We want to go this year, it would be great to see you!!!)