Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Case of the "Should Have Beens"

I have had a case of the should have beens lately. It's been a while since I have had this happen on almost a daily occurrence. I don't like it. I don't like the way it leaves me feeling. This past weekend was homecoming at my alma mater. We haven't been back there in a few years and I really wanted to go. I enjoyed seeing the campus and how things have changed. I even got to see a few friends while there. Most of my friends that I graduated with or that I was close to in college weren't there this weekend though. I did get to see a girl I knew in college but we weren't in the same "circle". We have become much better friends over the last few months as we now share something, the loss of a son. I got to see her, her husband and her sweet rainbow baby Silas. It was great to see them and talk about the good ole days. However, it was also very bittersweet. I had imagined taking Grant to my school's homecoming and now I will never get to. I won't get to put him in a cute onesie and take pictures of him at a place that was so very special to me. See...a should have been... He should be almost 3 months old now if he was born on time. Instead he has been gone for just over 7 months. How is that even possible? This week I have also been helping one of my my very best friends move into her new house. They have been building this house the last few months and move in day was Monday and Tuesday of this week. This is my friend who had a baby girl in August. I love her, her husband and her sweet baby girl. Holding and snuggling her baby is so healing for me. It makes me feel closer to Grant, like they have a special connection. I'm sure if he were here they would have been the best of friends. However, seeing that sweet almost 2 month old baby girl makes me think of what I should be doing with Grant right now. Another should have been moment.

I'm going to whine for a moment. I hate this. I hate that I don't get to see my baby boy grow and change. I hate that I didn't get sleepless nights because I was up feeding him. Instead I got sleepless nights because I miss my little boy. I hate that I can't snuggle him every day and kiss his sweet face. I hate that I have "should have been" moments. I hate that I am once again taking fertility meds in order to give him a sibling and waiting once again. I hate that if I get pregnant soon and get to bring home a baby I will have been waiting to bring home a baby for almost 2 years (not counting the time before we got pregnant with Grant- that would be about 5 years) when they arrive.

I know that Grant is in Heaven. In a place that is perfect, without pain or sadness, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that I get to see him again, and then it will be forever. I am grateful that God loves me enough to allow me to go to Heaven and to love my baby boy more than I do.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Empty Nest.....Again

LT, LN and M left today. They went to live with a family member who was already very involved in their lives. They were very excited to go and I know they will do well. It is so good for them to be with a family member who will love them and take care of them while their mom heals.

Now we will sort through clothes, organizing them back into tubs, so that when we get new kids we will possibly have things on hand for them. We have a few things that we need to get up to date before we take any more kids (as they will expire soon), so we will be working on that and then be open for new children once again.

Thank you for the prayers for LT, LN and M. Please continue to pray for their mom and for them as they adjust to living in another new home.

Favorite Charities/Non-profits

Once again I'm linking up to Kelly's Korner for her Friday Show Us Your Life Day. Today is favorite charities/non-profits. I have a few that are my favorites, so I shall share more than one :)

1. Teeny Tears- this organization is not yet a non-profit but Boy oh Boy are they wonderful! I LOVE this group of women across the country and even extending into other countries! They provide free patterns to sew tiny (I'm talking itty bitty) diapers to be donated to hospitals for the tinniest babies to wear when they are stillborn or die shortly after birth. It allows these little ones to be clothed in something made just for them. Each family is given 2 diapers. One for the baby to wear and one for the family to keep. They also have tutorials on how to make the diapers and other ways to help out if you can't sew!
Diapers I made for a Teeny Tears Donation

A whole stack of diapers ready to be donated.
2. Threads of Love- this organization is a non-profit and they do something similar to Teeny Tears. They provide clothes (such as burial gowns and clothes for NICU babies) as well as hats and blankets to hospitals for bereavement needs as well as NICU needs. I work with my local chapter providing bereavement items of hats, blankets and of course Teeny Tears diapers.

Hats, Blankets and Diapers to be donated. 

A selection of some of the hats, blankets and diapers. 
3. Raindrop Memories- this organization is working to become a Non-profit and has been started by my wonderful friend Elizabeth. Her son passed away at 19 weeks only 2 weeks before my son did and they were due only a few days apart. The goal of Raindrop Memories is to provide items to hospitals for the parents who have lost a child to pregnancy loss. They would like to include books, mementos, blankets, clothes, and Teeny Tears diapers to help soothe a parents hurting soul during this most difficult time.

4. Molly Bears- This non-profit organization provides bears to bereaved families that weight the exact weight of the infant that has died. They provide these bears free of charge to each family that requests one. Each bear is made with that specific child in mind and includes things that the family says reminds them of their baby.

As you can tell most of my organizations are associated with baby loss. I can't help it. Now that I am a member of that "club" it's something that is near and dear to my heart. I love these groups and what they do for hurting families.

Friday, October 12, 2012


I'm linking up to Kelly's Korner for her Crockpotalooza 2! If you are here from her link up, welcome!

Oh my crockpot. I wish I didn't abandon you so much. However, there are a few things that I love to make in my crockpot.

1: I love to cook a whole chicken in the crockpot to use in soups, Chicken and Dumplings (yum), flautas, tacos, etc. Then the broth is super delicious also!

I usually buy a whole cut up chicken (with the skin on) because it fits in the crockpot better. Then I place the whole chicken, a whole onion, a couple of cloves of garlic, salt, and pepper and fill it up with water. Turn it on low and let it cook for 6 hours. When you get home it will be super easy to debone and shred or cut up. Strain the broth and use it for dinner or freeze it for later.

2: Crockpot meatballs are my other favorite.

Ingrediants: 1 1/2 lbs ground beef or ground turkey
                    1 1/4 cups italian seasoned bread crumbs
                    1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
                    2 cloves garlic, minced
                    1 medium yellow onion, chopped
                    1 egg, beaten
                    1 28 oz jar spaghetti sauce
                    1 16 oz can crushed tomatoes
                    1 14.25 oz can tomato puree

1-In large bowl mix ground meat, bread crumbs, egg, parsley, garlic and onion. Shape into 1- 1 1/2 inch balls.
2- In crockpot mix spaghetti sauce, crushed tomatoes and tomato puree.
3- Place meatballs in sauce, cover and cook on low 6-8 hours.
4- serve over spaghetti noodles.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Starting Round 2 of Treatments

If you don't want to read the details of my fertility treatments skip this post :) I record them so I can look back and remember what I have done and hopefully one day celebrate success.

Well, the last round made me ovulate but we aren't pregnant. I actually ovulated without the shot of hCG and my progesterone level was 32.7 (which they want it over 20 so it was good). So here we go again. We are doing the same exact thing as last time. Clomid + Femara + Metformin and likely + a shot of hCG after an ultrasound to confirm I will ovulate. For those who are curious they draw the progesterone level about a week after I ovulate to make sure that the corpus luteum (the remnant of where the egg was) is healthy and will sustain a pregnancy until the egg implants into the uterus and starts producing it's own hormones. I'm really bummed that I'm not pregnant this month. I was hoping that this time around would be easier. Oh well. We will keep trying. We know this combination of medications works to make me ovulate, now we just need to get pregnant with a healthy baby.

Next week should be interesting as I will be on all of these hormones, working nights, and caring for 2 toddlers during the day since we don't have them in daycare yet. Please pray that with God's help I won't be overly emotional and will be able to still be a good wife and mom. We desperately want to add to our family and make Grant a big brother.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

5 Days In

LT, LN and M have been with us for 5 days now. Tonight was actually the 6th night but since they came Friday night they have really only been here 5 days. A large amount of paperwork has to be done in foster care. Most of which has to be done in the first few days after a placement occurs. The children also have to see a doctor, dentist and therapist within a certain amount of time. All three of ours have now seen the doctor, had their shots updated and had TB tests done. We will set up dental appointments in the next few weeks and go to the therapist next week. I think the children are adjusting.  Bedtime is becoming slightly better, although all 3 still cry every night. All of them are in bed and asleep as I am typing this. They are tired little ones.

Obviously I can't share details of their case with you but here is a little more about our new three.

LT is a loving, vibrant, hyper, very talkative 5 year old girl. She has started kindergarten at her new school this week and I think she is enjoying it. We are having to work on her being able to tell us about her day. Right now when we ask her what she learned she isn't able to tell us anything about her day, including what she ate for lunch, so we are working on it. We are also working on learning to sit still and not sing while we are eating. She sings or chants constantly. If this behavior continues in the next few weeks we will have her tested for ADHD. I'm am pretty sure she has it based on how she behaves but I don't think it is fair to label her with this immediately after a huge life changing event has happened to her. I think we need to give her time to adjust to our home, her new school, and new rules before we have her tested. I also don't believe in medicating children unless absolutely necessary. ADHD should be treated with therapy, behavior modification and sometimes medicine.

LN is a sweet, playful, 2 year old girl with beautiful eyes who loves to be a mama to her babies. She calls me Mommy and Jonathan Daddy. In the last few days she has decided that she likes to sit in my lap and cuddle during the day, which I don't mind one bit. She is a normal 2 year old who has trouble sharing and is LOUD most of the day but is usually sweet to her little brother (unless he's trying to take her toys). She looks up to LT and tries to do everything she does.

M is a chunky, cuddly, sweet little 14 month old boy who hates to sleep and loves milk. When he is happy he has the most infectious laugh. He loves to mimic the sounds we make. He loves to eat and hates to be hungry. He wakes up anywhere from 2-5 times a night and gets very angry when his cup only has water in it.

I can't wait to watch these little ones flourish and grow. I don't know how long they will be here, maybe only 2 weeks, maybe 2 months, maybe a year, but we will love and take care of them until it is their time to leave.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Back in The Saddle Again

As of last night at about 6:30pm we have noise in our home again. Lots of noise. So let me introduce you to our new little ones. LT is a 5 year old girl, LN is a 2 yr old girl and M is a 14 month old boy. They are adorable. These 3 have been a challenge. I don't know if it's because we haven't had a new placement in a while or if they are just more unruly than the others. I do know that with time, love and some structure things will get better. It breaks my heart to hear LT screaming at bed time because she is scared. Tonight we tried to ask her what she was scared of and she said the dark and having the door closed. She had 2 night lights in her room and the door was open. She finally stopped crying about 30 minutes later. M is the best about going to bed out of the 3. LN cries but only for a few minutes. I hate to imagine what has happened to LT in the dark with her door closed. I hate to imagine what these 3 little ones have seen and how they have been treated. I pray that we are able to love them the way that they need to be loved and to provide for them the way they need to be provided for. I pray that God works on healing their family and their little hearts. We've done this before and I know we can do it again. I know that things will get easier as time goes by and that everyone will become more comfortable here. Please join me in praying for these little ones and for us as we parent them.