I have had a case of the should have beens lately. It's been a while since I have had this happen on almost a daily occurrence. I don't like it. I don't like the way it leaves me feeling. This past weekend was homecoming at my alma mater. We haven't been back there in a few years and I really wanted to go. I enjoyed seeing the campus and how things have changed. I even got to see a few friends while there. Most of my friends that I graduated with or that I was close to in college weren't there this weekend though. I did get to see a girl I knew in college but we weren't in the same "circle". We have become much better friends over the last few months as we now share something, the loss of a son. I got to see her, her husband and her sweet rainbow baby Silas. It was great to see them and talk about the good ole days. However, it was also very bittersweet. I had imagined taking Grant to my school's homecoming and now I will never get to. I won't get to put him in a cute onesie and take pictures of him at a place that was so very special to me. See...a should have been... He should be almost 3 months old now if he was born on time. Instead he has been gone for just over 7 months. How is that even possible? This week I have also been helping one of my my very best friends move into her new house. They have been building this house the last few months and move in day was Monday and Tuesday of this week. This is my friend who had a baby girl in August. I love her, her husband and her sweet baby girl. Holding and snuggling her baby is so healing for me. It makes me feel closer to Grant, like they have a special connection. I'm sure if he were here they would have been the best of friends. However, seeing that sweet almost 2 month old baby girl makes me think of what I should be doing with Grant right now. Another should have been moment.
I'm going to whine for a moment. I hate this. I hate that I don't get to see my baby boy grow and change. I hate that I didn't get sleepless nights because I was up feeding him. Instead I got sleepless nights because I miss my little boy. I hate that I can't snuggle him every day and kiss his sweet face. I hate that I have "should have been" moments. I hate that I am once again taking fertility meds in order to give him a sibling and waiting once again. I hate that if I get pregnant soon and get to bring home a baby I will have been waiting to bring home a baby for almost 2 years (not counting the time before we got pregnant with Grant- that would be about 5 years) when they arrive.
I know that Grant is in Heaven. In a place that is perfect, without pain or sadness, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that I get to see him again, and then it will be forever. I am grateful that God loves me enough to allow me to go to Heaven and to love my baby boy more than I do.