Friday, March 30, 2012

Grant Oliver Bybee

One week ago today we saw your sweet face for the first time. On that Friday, March 23, 2012 at 2:32pm we heard "it's a boy" and knew that you, our son, would forever be Grant Oliver Bybee. Meeting you that day was beautiful and devastating at the same time. I didn't know that those two things could go together so well, oh but they do. You are the most precious, beautiful little boy we have ever laid eyes on. When we saw you for the first time you were already resting in the arms of Jesus. As I held you close to me and looked at your perfectly formed little body, I was completely in awe at the amount of love that I felt. I knew that I loved you dearly before I saw your sweet face, but I didn't know it was possible for my heart to swell to love you even more, oh but it is. We even laughed on that day. We laughed at how big your hands and feet were, just like Daddy's. You look so much like your Daddy and it is something that makes me smile. We will always treasure the few hours that we were able to hold you, kiss you, sing to you, talk to you, bathe you, dress you and love on you. We were able to share you with those we love, yet we weren't able to share you with everyone we wanted to, for you were only here for a short time. We are so sad that we had to say goodbye, yet we are so thankful to God that we got to know you for 21 weeks and got to hold you for a few short hours. You, our son, will always be loved and cherished by us. Grant, you are our first born, our son, our precious boy that we are so proud to call ours. God has truly blessed us by letting us get to know you, even if for a short time. We love you sweet baby boy and will miss you always.

Our hearts are broken but they are so full of love. It's almost as if the love holds the pieces together so that we can continue on. One day we will meet again, and the place in our hearts that is empty, just the size for you, will once again be full.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Baby Bybee

This is not the post I had planned in my head for this subject. I was planning on announcing here the gender of the baby that I have been carrying for the past 19 weeks. Instead, I am writing about the fact that we are grieving the loss of this baby. I need to write. It helps me process and think.

We learned in November after 3 years of trying that we were finally pregnant. We were so excited! I didn't care that the smell of Thanksgiving dinner made me want to throw up. I didn't care that I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep, I was having a baby and was on top of the world. We found out just before Christmas that we were indeed only expecting one baby and got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were elated. Right after Christmas we experienced a threatened abortion but the baby was doing fine and we got to see and hear the heartbeat once again. Things went well from there. At every appointment the heartbeat was strong, the baby seemed to be growing, and I even began to feel the baby moving in early February. We were scheduled for our big ultrasound on March 6 and we were so excited to see the baby and find out the gender. We had already chosen names for the baby and couldn't wait to call the baby by name. Our ultrasound got moved on Friday March 2 because our blood screen for birth defects came back concerning for Spina Bifida and they wanted a specialist to do our ultrasound. We anxiously awaited March 8th with excitement and a bit of nervousness. We knew that God's plans were bigger than ours and that we would love and cherish our baby no matter what birth defects it may have.

However, we were not prepared to hear what the doctor had to tell us. Our baby has multiple congenital anomalies. Some of these are consistent with Down Syndrome. We don't care that the baby has down syndrome, and love the baby anyways. The worst of these however is that the baby has no amniotic fluid. They think that there is an obstruction not allowing the baby to pee, which makes amniotic fluid, because the bladder is distended and the kidneys have fluid around them from fluid back up. Amniotic fluid is important for lung development. If there isn't amniotic fluid the lungs can't develop and the baby won't be able to breathe at birth, even with help. The kidneys will also be very sick and will likely fail because of the urine backed up. The fact that the baby has no amniotic fluid means that the baby won't survive. The bladder is getting larger and pressing on the heart which will eventually cause the heart to stop and we will have to deliver our cherished baby stillborn. We still don't know the gender because they couldn't see it on ultrasound.

We are completely in shock. Our hearts have shattered into a million tiny pieces. Instead of planning our child's nursery and baby showers we are now trying to figure out how to plan a funeral. We plan on having a memorial service to honor this little ones life. This baby matters to our family and more importantly to God and deserves to be remembered. We said before that we will love the baby no matter what and we still do. We know that God has bigger plans than we can ever see. Right now we don't understand God's plan, and we may not while here on earth, but one day it will be revealed to us. I know that one day soon instead of me carrying my sweet baby home from the hospital it will be in heaven with it's grandparents, getting loved on by them, until one day when I can once again hold my sweet baby and dance on the streets of gold.

Please continue to lift us and our families up in prayer. Our hearts are so heavy and hurting and knowing that we are being supported by prayer is comforting and brings a peace that allows us to get through each day.