Monday, July 19, 2010


There are so many things i wish for. What I would love is for other women to share their infertility journey. The inspiration for this blog actually stems from another blog I read where the woman struggled with infertility, then had a baby in the NICU and now has a beautiful toddler. Reading her story really has helped me to see that there is a light at then end of this tunnel.

One of the most difficult things about dealing with infertility is the feeling of loneliness on this journey. You know that there are other people out there with a similar situation, but you still feel so alone. I actually happen to know a few people who are pretty much in the same situation as me, or have been. I don't know if knowing that other people are dealing with this makes it easier because "misery loves company" or if it's because you know that others can relate and also see the success stories.

It seems that more and more people I know are having babies. I actually received a call from a family member a few days ago letting me know that her sister is pregnant. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of her calling me instead of me finding out in person or seeing it on the internet. I'm happy for this person. I'm happy for anyone I know to have a baby, it just takes some time to feel that joy. One of the hardest things is having someone tell you in person that they are pregnant and having to show joy right that moment when you are also feeling pain. It's much easier to be properly happy for that person when you have a chance to process the news in private. It's also hard to be invited to multiple baby showers and I would like people to know that sometimes it hurts to much to go. I don't want my friends/family members thinking I'm not happy for them, because I am. I love that they are being blessed with what I think is God's most amazing creation. I also know that my friends are going to make some of the most amazing parents in the world.

My wish for this blog is to have people understand a little more about the infertility journey, some of the feelings that go along with that, and also to maybe help another woman or couple going through something similar.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Hope is "a general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled" (dictionary). I would venture to say that everyone in the world has hope for something. Hope for a better job, a healthy life, a happy family, more money, food to eat, a friend to share life with, the list could go on. I know that there are many things I hope for: A child to love, a baby in my womb, to see the joy on Jonathan's face when he meets his child for the first time, a love filled marriage, and the list could go on for a very long time.

Do you know what the opposite of hope is? It's despair "a state in which all hope is lost or absent" (dictionary). I don't think I felt despair this week, not in the literal definition of the word. I did feel immense sadness that we had not conceived. Sadness that some of the things I hope for have yet to occur. However, not despair. I saw despair today. On the face of a mom in the hospital who was losing her baby. I hope that I never have to experience that, that no one has to experience that. Do you know what it looked like? It looked like the world was coming to an end. Like it took all of her energy just to stand up. You could almost see the rip in her heart.

It really made me think. I had just been talking to a friend about the injustice of life. Going to work and taking care of babies that people have abused has always been difficult. It is even more difficult when you would love nothing more in the world than to have the privilege to be a mom and someone else threw that opportunity down the drain. However, the sadness that comes with that can't even touch the despair I saw today.

What else can I hope in? The Bible tells me to have hope in the Lord. He is the one who has saved me, after all. That hope is what gives me peace. I know that everything happens in His time. However, just because I know that is the case, it doesn't always make me feel better. I don't think that questioning how things are, being sad that something you long for isn't here, makes God angry, or me less of a Christian. I know who He is, what He is capable of (heck I've seen miracles first hand), and that He promises to take care of me. I know all of those things, and yet I still feel sadness. I also know and believe that everything will work out according to His purpose and plan. It's this belief that keeps me going, especially on days like today.