This is not the post I had planned in my head for this subject. I was planning on announcing here the gender of the baby that I have been carrying for the past 19 weeks. Instead, I am writing about the fact that we are grieving the loss of this baby. I need to write. It helps me process and think.
We learned in November after 3 years of trying that we were finally pregnant. We were so excited! I didn't care that the smell of Thanksgiving dinner made me want to throw up. I didn't care that I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep, I was having a baby and was on top of the world. We found out just before Christmas that we were indeed only expecting one baby and got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were elated. Right after Christmas we experienced a threatened abortion but the baby was doing fine and we got to see and hear the heartbeat once again. Things went well from there. At every appointment the heartbeat was strong, the baby seemed to be growing, and I even began to feel the baby moving in early February. We were scheduled for our big ultrasound on March 6 and we were so excited to see the baby and find out the gender. We had already chosen names for the baby and couldn't wait to call the baby by name. Our ultrasound got moved on Friday March 2 because our blood screen for birth defects came back concerning for Spina Bifida and they wanted a specialist to do our ultrasound. We anxiously awaited March 8th with excitement and a bit of nervousness. We knew that God's plans were bigger than ours and that we would love and cherish our baby no matter what birth defects it may have.
However, we were not prepared to hear what the doctor had to tell us. Our baby has multiple congenital anomalies. Some of these are consistent with Down Syndrome. We don't care that the baby has down syndrome, and love the baby anyways. The worst of these however is that the baby has no amniotic fluid. They think that there is an obstruction not allowing the baby to pee, which makes amniotic fluid, because the bladder is distended and the kidneys have fluid around them from fluid back up. Amniotic fluid is important for lung development. If there isn't amniotic fluid the lungs can't develop and the baby won't be able to breathe at birth, even with help. The kidneys will also be very sick and will likely fail because of the urine backed up. The fact that the baby has no amniotic fluid means that the baby won't survive. The bladder is getting larger and pressing on the heart which will eventually cause the heart to stop and we will have to deliver our cherished baby stillborn. We still don't know the gender because they couldn't see it on ultrasound.
We are completely in shock. Our hearts have shattered into a million tiny pieces. Instead of planning our child's nursery and baby showers we are now trying to figure out how to plan a funeral. We plan on having a memorial service to honor this little ones life. This baby matters to our family and more importantly to God and deserves to be remembered. We said before that we will love the baby no matter what and we still do. We know that God has bigger plans than we can ever see. Right now we don't understand God's plan, and we may not while here on earth, but one day it will be revealed to us. I know that one day soon instead of me carrying my sweet baby home from the hospital it will be in heaven with it's grandparents, getting loved on by them, until one day when I can once again hold my sweet baby and dance on the streets of gold.
Please continue to lift us and our families up in prayer. Our hearts are so heavy and hurting and knowing that we are being supported by prayer is comforting and brings a peace that allows us to get through each day.