One month from tomorrow is Grant's due date. I would be almost 36 weeks pregnant this week. I can imagine that I would finally be relaxing about having him anytime. I know too much about premature babies. Most moms anxiously await 23-24 weeks, I know I would have anxiously awaited at least 28 weeks and by 36 weeks would be breathing a big sigh of relief. I have a feeling that I would be nesting like crazy, washing all the new clothes we would have gotten at the baby showers, etc. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about the what would have beens, but it is so hard. This is so very hard. I miss him every single day.
Today I went to sunday school. It is so hard to go there. I know that it is where I need to be each Sunday and that we have support there but it is still hard and honestly I can't make myself go every week. We are in a class full of people around the same age as us, in the same stage of life. This means most of them have children. There are so many women pregnant or who have just had babies in our class. There are baby showers and diaper dumps being announced each week. Each week I see this breaks my heart. Our baby shower should be being announced. It's so hard to hold back all the tears each week. Today I got in my car and cried. I just sat in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face.
Today we talked about what is it that we are saying no or making excuses about that God has called us to do. This was based on Psalm 2. In this Psalm basically people are saying no, we don't want a new king and God is saying I have already appointed one. God calls each of us to serve him. All of us are called to share him with others, how we go about doing that is not always the same as someone else. Jonathan and I believe that God is calling us to look into starting a non-profit organization in Grant's name. We believe that this will allow us to reach more hospitals with our donations and will allow us to have more community support. There is a lot that goes into starting a non-profit. I have a full time job, Jonathan is a full time student, we are foster parents, etc. All things that I know Satan will use to try to convince us otherwise. I would ask that you pray for us as we do more research and begin going down this path. I'm glad I went to church today, even if it did start and end with tears. If it weren't for the love of my God I wouldn't be where I am in this journey, that I am sure of.