I feel like I need to say thank you, however, I don't have enough words to say it adequately but I am going to do my best. This is for 2 very special women in my life. One is my sister and friend, another is to a friend who is like a sister. Jonathan and I are so very blessed to have them in our lives.
Allie,
Your support during the most difficult time in our lives is such a blessing. From the moment we found out that Grant wasn't going to survive and you made phone calls to my colleagues you have been by our sides. You have done so many things for us without us even having to say we needed them done, and for that we are eternally grateful. To know that we didn't have to worry about taking care of certain things was so nice. Your prayers, listening ear, and taking walks with me when I just needed a friend to be there have been a blessing. To know that my friend, who I consider more of a sister, is standing by us somehow makes walking this journey a little easier. Thank you for everything you have done for us and more importantly, thank you for being a great friend and loving Grant and us. God has blessed me beyond measure with you and I love you.
Kat,
You are the most amazing and talented sister a girl could ask for and I am so glad that you are mine. Your support, daily phone calls and text messages saying you are thinking of me, and allowing me to talk about Grant and cry are so special to me. I know that your heart broke also the day you found out about Grant, but you have stood by us and supported us every step of the way. On top of all of that you put your own self aside so that you could give us a gift, beautiful photos of our beautiful son. I know that taking pictures of him and then spending countless hours editing them so they would be just right, has been so very hard for you, but the end result has been so amazing and Jonathan and I love every single one of them. Your talent has given us something to remember him by, from the maternity pictures to the pictures of him on his birthday. Because of you we have beautiful pictures of him that show how perfect he is that we can look at every day. I love you baby sister and I am so glad that God gave me you.
Others have been so very supportive during this time. From prayers and cards to meals and a listening ear, we are grateful.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Bedtime Routines
We have been parents off and on since January to our foster kids. We don't have children of our own. We have helped to care for friends and family members kids before but it's different when the children are your responsibility. One of our first placements was a 14 yr old and 2 yr old siblings. It was with these children that we began learning how to be parents, especially parents to children who have already had parents and rules and routines. I think parenting biological children would be a little different but I think the theory is still the same.
One of the hardest times of day for our foster kids seems to be bedtime. In our experience it seems that most of these kids are used to co-sleeping with their mom's and siblings as well as not having a bedtime or any sort of routine. We have learned that you have to establish the routine basically from day one. However we have learned how to "choose our battles" when it comes to sleeping arrangements. The rules of foster care in Texas are that children over the age of 5 can't share a bedroom with a child of the opposite sex and that all children are required to have their own beds. This doesn't mean that if they crawl into each other's beds in the middle of the night that you have to separate them. We actually choose to let the kids sleep with each other if they wish the first few nights they are here. However, they are never allowed to sleep in our bed, even from day 1. Starting day 1, sometimes day 2, because our children have all come to our house pretty late at night, we begin a bedtime routine. We choose a bedtime for them based on their age and developmental needs. For example, right now we have D who is 7 and A who is 2. They are in bed and asleep no later than 8:15 because D has to be up by 6:30 for school and we make sure we wake up A by 8am. A takes a nap around noon everyday. About a week into things, or sooner if problems arise, we separate the kids into their own beds. This allows us to put the little one to bed earlier if needed or let the older one stay up later on the weekends to watch a movie with just Jonathan and I. It also allows us to put them in different rooms so that when one wakes up the other doesn't. It is always hard the first few nights because they aren't used to sleeping alone, but within a few days it is no longer an issue, and actually everyone ends up sleeping better. I'm not a fan of co-sleeping ever. I think children need to sleep alone, learn to self-soothe, and have good bedtime routines to have good quality sleep and function the best they can the next day.
Letting a foster child "cry it out" is different than letting a bio child do so. Foster children often come from environments where they aren't sure if they are loved and they are in a new environment and often afraid of being abandoned. This is evident by the crying when someone leaves the house for work or walks in the other room, even if it is not an appropriate developmental age for the child.
Our bedtime routine typically consists of bath time, brush teeth, read books, say prayers, sometimes sing songs, and then sleep. If the child is a small child we will read books sitting in a rocking chair with them in our lap. Sometimes they have to be rocked to calm down, but we don't rock until they are asleep. We put them in their bed while still awake so they can learn to fall asleep on their own. We have had to sit next to their beds until they fall asleep and slowly start staying less and less time, which seemed to work well. Every child is different but every child needs structure. They thrive with knowing what is expected and what's coming next.
Our new kids are doing great. The first court date was today but it has now been postponed for another week. So court is now next wednesday.
~until~
One of the hardest times of day for our foster kids seems to be bedtime. In our experience it seems that most of these kids are used to co-sleeping with their mom's and siblings as well as not having a bedtime or any sort of routine. We have learned that you have to establish the routine basically from day one. However we have learned how to "choose our battles" when it comes to sleeping arrangements. The rules of foster care in Texas are that children over the age of 5 can't share a bedroom with a child of the opposite sex and that all children are required to have their own beds. This doesn't mean that if they crawl into each other's beds in the middle of the night that you have to separate them. We actually choose to let the kids sleep with each other if they wish the first few nights they are here. However, they are never allowed to sleep in our bed, even from day 1. Starting day 1, sometimes day 2, because our children have all come to our house pretty late at night, we begin a bedtime routine. We choose a bedtime for them based on their age and developmental needs. For example, right now we have D who is 7 and A who is 2. They are in bed and asleep no later than 8:15 because D has to be up by 6:30 for school and we make sure we wake up A by 8am. A takes a nap around noon everyday. About a week into things, or sooner if problems arise, we separate the kids into their own beds. This allows us to put the little one to bed earlier if needed or let the older one stay up later on the weekends to watch a movie with just Jonathan and I. It also allows us to put them in different rooms so that when one wakes up the other doesn't. It is always hard the first few nights because they aren't used to sleeping alone, but within a few days it is no longer an issue, and actually everyone ends up sleeping better. I'm not a fan of co-sleeping ever. I think children need to sleep alone, learn to self-soothe, and have good bedtime routines to have good quality sleep and function the best they can the next day.
Letting a foster child "cry it out" is different than letting a bio child do so. Foster children often come from environments where they aren't sure if they are loved and they are in a new environment and often afraid of being abandoned. This is evident by the crying when someone leaves the house for work or walks in the other room, even if it is not an appropriate developmental age for the child.
Our bedtime routine typically consists of bath time, brush teeth, read books, say prayers, sometimes sing songs, and then sleep. If the child is a small child we will read books sitting in a rocking chair with them in our lap. Sometimes they have to be rocked to calm down, but we don't rock until they are asleep. We put them in their bed while still awake so they can learn to fall asleep on their own. We have had to sit next to their beds until they fall asleep and slowly start staying less and less time, which seemed to work well. Every child is different but every child needs structure. They thrive with knowing what is expected and what's coming next.
Our new kids are doing great. The first court date was today but it has now been postponed for another week. So court is now next wednesday.
~until~
Monday, April 9, 2012
A Hard Day
Two posts in two days, not something you should get used to :)
Today was a really, really hard day. It actually just felt like an extension of yesterday, also a really hard day. Maybe that is what made it seem harder, maybe not. Yesterday was the first holiday without Grant. There are many to come, most of which I am not looking forward to at this time. Yesterday evening was also hard for non-holiday reasons. Jonathan and I wrote Grant's obituary yesterday evening. Jonathan also wrote a beautiful piece for a class assignment that hopefully I can share with you at some point with his permission. It's a very odd feeling of accomplishment. You want to write these pieces and make them perfect for your son, but you don't want to write them because that means your son is no longer here. Finishing them and being proud of them brings you a sense of peace that you have done something right, that you've done something for your child. I really don't think I'm explaining this well, but oh well. Sleep was hard to come by last night, as it has been quite often in the past month. Then this morning Jonathan received a phone call from the funeral home letting us know that Grant's fetal death certificate was there if we wanted to pick it up. We had been waiting for this to be there so that we could pick it up at the same time as his ashes. Walking into that funeral home, the one I pass almost daily on my way to take the kids to school, to pick up my cremated son just felt so wrong. Standing there in the office of some very sweet people waiting for them to hand us a box, a tiny box, that holds the ashes of our son broke my heart and the tears fell. They handed us the box of his ashes and his death certificate and then approved the obituary we had written less than 24 hours later so it can be put in the local paper. I left there and sat in my car sobbing. I'm ready for today to be over. Hopefully tomorrow will be not quite as hard.
Tonight I ordered the guest book for Grant's memorial service. I personally think it turned out beautifully. My little sister, the best little sister in the world, the one who took the amazing pictures of Grant, has designed a birth announcement for him with his memorial service information on it. I am so proud of her and her talent. She has given us an amazing gift in beautiful photos of our son that were taken with love.
Before I share a few more pictures of our beautiful baby boy I want to explain the picture at the top of the page. Bluebonnets are my favorite flower. They show me that spring is finally here and symbolize the beginning of everything that I love (baseball, flowers, warm days, thunderstorms, flip flops, fresh mowed grass, longer days, and that summer is just around the corner). The day that Grant was born was a beautiful spring day. The bluebonnets had been really blooming for a little over a week when he was born, but if your from Texas you know that they are at their most beautiful about 1 1/2 -2 weeks after they start blooming, right when Grant was born. The bluebonnets were so bright and bold when we went home from the hospital and I instantly knew that I would always consider them Grant's flowers. I told my sister this and she surprised me with the picture at the top of the page as well as a few others, see I told you she is amazing. Ok, here are a few more pictures of our beautiful son.
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Today was a really, really hard day. It actually just felt like an extension of yesterday, also a really hard day. Maybe that is what made it seem harder, maybe not. Yesterday was the first holiday without Grant. There are many to come, most of which I am not looking forward to at this time. Yesterday evening was also hard for non-holiday reasons. Jonathan and I wrote Grant's obituary yesterday evening. Jonathan also wrote a beautiful piece for a class assignment that hopefully I can share with you at some point with his permission. It's a very odd feeling of accomplishment. You want to write these pieces and make them perfect for your son, but you don't want to write them because that means your son is no longer here. Finishing them and being proud of them brings you a sense of peace that you have done something right, that you've done something for your child. I really don't think I'm explaining this well, but oh well. Sleep was hard to come by last night, as it has been quite often in the past month. Then this morning Jonathan received a phone call from the funeral home letting us know that Grant's fetal death certificate was there if we wanted to pick it up. We had been waiting for this to be there so that we could pick it up at the same time as his ashes. Walking into that funeral home, the one I pass almost daily on my way to take the kids to school, to pick up my cremated son just felt so wrong. Standing there in the office of some very sweet people waiting for them to hand us a box, a tiny box, that holds the ashes of our son broke my heart and the tears fell. They handed us the box of his ashes and his death certificate and then approved the obituary we had written less than 24 hours later so it can be put in the local paper. I left there and sat in my car sobbing. I'm ready for today to be over. Hopefully tomorrow will be not quite as hard.
Tonight I ordered the guest book for Grant's memorial service. I personally think it turned out beautifully. My little sister, the best little sister in the world, the one who took the amazing pictures of Grant, has designed a birth announcement for him with his memorial service information on it. I am so proud of her and her talent. She has given us an amazing gift in beautiful photos of our son that were taken with love.
Before I share a few more pictures of our beautiful baby boy I want to explain the picture at the top of the page. Bluebonnets are my favorite flower. They show me that spring is finally here and symbolize the beginning of everything that I love (baseball, flowers, warm days, thunderstorms, flip flops, fresh mowed grass, longer days, and that summer is just around the corner). The day that Grant was born was a beautiful spring day. The bluebonnets had been really blooming for a little over a week when he was born, but if your from Texas you know that they are at their most beautiful about 1 1/2 -2 weeks after they start blooming, right when Grant was born. The bluebonnets were so bright and bold when we went home from the hospital and I instantly knew that I would always consider them Grant's flowers. I told my sister this and she surprised me with the picture at the top of the page as well as a few others, see I told you she is amazing. Ok, here are a few more pictures of our beautiful son.
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Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter
Today was our first day back at church since Grant went to be with Jesus. It just happened to be Easter Sunday also. I so appreciate Easter this year. I have always appreciated it, but I now appreciate it differently. Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins and then being resurrected to sit at the right hand of God. Since finding out about Grant's diagnosis and then having to say goodbye to my son I have thought a great deal about Jesus dying for me. God brought Jesus into this world knowing that his son was going to die for everyone else's sin. I can't even begin to imagine knowing for that many years that my son was going to die to save the world. It had to be an incredibly heart breaking thing to know, yet God loved us enough to let his son die for us, wow. Something that has brought me comfort over the past few weeks is knowing that God knows my pain. He knows so well what it is like to have his child die. He also knows what it is like to have his child live with him for eternity, and now he has my child with him too. One day I know that Jonathan and I will join Grant in Heaven where we will worship a God who is so amazing that he let his own son die for us. Knowing that I will see Grant again and knowing that the God that I serve and love is caring for my baby boy brings me such peace.
Going to church today was hard, so very hard. It is so hard to see all of the little boys dressed in their Easter clothes, running to their mommies and daddies after church, seeing families celebrating with their little ones and imagining what Grant would have looked like next year in his first Easter outfit. Knowing that I will never see him run to Jonathan with a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eye breaks my heart. I can't wait until the day when we will all be together again. Until then I plan to live a life to honor God and to fulfill the purpose that he has for me as well as the purpose that he has for having Grant go to be with Him so soon.
D and A have been doing really well. They are such a joy to have in our home. I love seeing their smiling faces each day and hearing their giggles. They are in the process of transitioning home. They have been having 24 hour unsupervised visits for a few weeks now and will transition to 48 hour visits over the next few weeks. The current plan is for them to go home once school is out for D, however we still have some concerns about them returning home and hope that these things can be fixed before they are reunited or that they won't go home. D and A have made such an amazing amount of progress since being placed here almost a year ago. It is truly a pleasure to watch them develop and grow.
Grant has been gone for just over two weeks now and we miss him as much today as we did the day we said goodbye. We are in the process of planning his memorial service for April 21. This is something I never thought I would have to do for my child but being able to take time to plan his service has been healing in some ways. I have had a lot of time to think and pray about what we want to celebrate Grant's life. The prayers and support we have had from friends and family has been amazing and we don't have adequate words to say thank you.
Sorry for the jumbled thoughts today, this is how I think right now.
Going to church today was hard, so very hard. It is so hard to see all of the little boys dressed in their Easter clothes, running to their mommies and daddies after church, seeing families celebrating with their little ones and imagining what Grant would have looked like next year in his first Easter outfit. Knowing that I will never see him run to Jonathan with a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eye breaks my heart. I can't wait until the day when we will all be together again. Until then I plan to live a life to honor God and to fulfill the purpose that he has for me as well as the purpose that he has for having Grant go to be with Him so soon.
D and A have been doing really well. They are such a joy to have in our home. I love seeing their smiling faces each day and hearing their giggles. They are in the process of transitioning home. They have been having 24 hour unsupervised visits for a few weeks now and will transition to 48 hour visits over the next few weeks. The current plan is for them to go home once school is out for D, however we still have some concerns about them returning home and hope that these things can be fixed before they are reunited or that they won't go home. D and A have made such an amazing amount of progress since being placed here almost a year ago. It is truly a pleasure to watch them develop and grow.
Grant has been gone for just over two weeks now and we miss him as much today as we did the day we said goodbye. We are in the process of planning his memorial service for April 21. This is something I never thought I would have to do for my child but being able to take time to plan his service has been healing in some ways. I have had a lot of time to think and pray about what we want to celebrate Grant's life. The prayers and support we have had from friends and family has been amazing and we don't have adequate words to say thank you.
Sorry for the jumbled thoughts today, this is how I think right now.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Grant Oliver Bybee
One week ago today we saw your sweet face for the first time. On that Friday, March 23, 2012 at 2:32pm we heard "it's a boy" and knew that you, our son, would forever be Grant Oliver Bybee. Meeting you that day was beautiful and devastating at the same time. I didn't know that those two things could go together so well, oh but they do. You are the most precious, beautiful little boy we have ever laid eyes on. When we saw you for the first time you were already resting in the arms of Jesus. As I held you close to me and looked at your perfectly formed little body, I was completely in awe at the amount of love that I felt. I knew that I loved you dearly before I saw your sweet face, but I didn't know it was possible for my heart to swell to love you even more, oh but it is. We even laughed on that day. We laughed at how big your hands and feet were, just like Daddy's. You look so much like your Daddy and it is something that makes me smile. We will always treasure the few hours that we were able to hold you, kiss you, sing to you, talk to you, bathe you, dress you and love on you. We were able to share you with those we love, yet we weren't able to share you with everyone we wanted to, for you were only here for a short time. We are so sad that we had to say goodbye, yet we are so thankful to God that we got to know you for 21 weeks and got to hold you for a few short hours. You, our son, will always be loved and cherished by us. Grant, you are our first born, our son, our precious boy that we are so proud to call ours. God has truly blessed us by letting us get to know you, even if for a short time. We love you sweet baby boy and will miss you always.
Our hearts are broken but they are so full of love. It's almost as if the love holds the pieces together so that we can continue on. One day we will meet again, and the place in our hearts that is empty, just the size for you, will once again be full.
Our hearts are broken but they are so full of love. It's almost as if the love holds the pieces together so that we can continue on. One day we will meet again, and the place in our hearts that is empty, just the size for you, will once again be full.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Baby Bybee
This is not the post I had planned in my head for this subject. I was planning on announcing here the gender of the baby that I have been carrying for the past 19 weeks. Instead, I am writing about the fact that we are grieving the loss of this baby. I need to write. It helps me process and think.
We learned in November after 3 years of trying that we were finally pregnant. We were so excited! I didn't care that the smell of Thanksgiving dinner made me want to throw up. I didn't care that I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep, I was having a baby and was on top of the world. We found out just before Christmas that we were indeed only expecting one baby and got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were elated. Right after Christmas we experienced a threatened abortion but the baby was doing fine and we got to see and hear the heartbeat once again. Things went well from there. At every appointment the heartbeat was strong, the baby seemed to be growing, and I even began to feel the baby moving in early February. We were scheduled for our big ultrasound on March 6 and we were so excited to see the baby and find out the gender. We had already chosen names for the baby and couldn't wait to call the baby by name. Our ultrasound got moved on Friday March 2 because our blood screen for birth defects came back concerning for Spina Bifida and they wanted a specialist to do our ultrasound. We anxiously awaited March 8th with excitement and a bit of nervousness. We knew that God's plans were bigger than ours and that we would love and cherish our baby no matter what birth defects it may have.
However, we were not prepared to hear what the doctor had to tell us. Our baby has multiple congenital anomalies. Some of these are consistent with Down Syndrome. We don't care that the baby has down syndrome, and love the baby anyways. The worst of these however is that the baby has no amniotic fluid. They think that there is an obstruction not allowing the baby to pee, which makes amniotic fluid, because the bladder is distended and the kidneys have fluid around them from fluid back up. Amniotic fluid is important for lung development. If there isn't amniotic fluid the lungs can't develop and the baby won't be able to breathe at birth, even with help. The kidneys will also be very sick and will likely fail because of the urine backed up. The fact that the baby has no amniotic fluid means that the baby won't survive. The bladder is getting larger and pressing on the heart which will eventually cause the heart to stop and we will have to deliver our cherished baby stillborn. We still don't know the gender because they couldn't see it on ultrasound.
We are completely in shock. Our hearts have shattered into a million tiny pieces. Instead of planning our child's nursery and baby showers we are now trying to figure out how to plan a funeral. We plan on having a memorial service to honor this little ones life. This baby matters to our family and more importantly to God and deserves to be remembered. We said before that we will love the baby no matter what and we still do. We know that God has bigger plans than we can ever see. Right now we don't understand God's plan, and we may not while here on earth, but one day it will be revealed to us. I know that one day soon instead of me carrying my sweet baby home from the hospital it will be in heaven with it's grandparents, getting loved on by them, until one day when I can once again hold my sweet baby and dance on the streets of gold.
Please continue to lift us and our families up in prayer. Our hearts are so heavy and hurting and knowing that we are being supported by prayer is comforting and brings a peace that allows us to get through each day.
We learned in November after 3 years of trying that we were finally pregnant. We were so excited! I didn't care that the smell of Thanksgiving dinner made me want to throw up. I didn't care that I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep, I was having a baby and was on top of the world. We found out just before Christmas that we were indeed only expecting one baby and got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were elated. Right after Christmas we experienced a threatened abortion but the baby was doing fine and we got to see and hear the heartbeat once again. Things went well from there. At every appointment the heartbeat was strong, the baby seemed to be growing, and I even began to feel the baby moving in early February. We were scheduled for our big ultrasound on March 6 and we were so excited to see the baby and find out the gender. We had already chosen names for the baby and couldn't wait to call the baby by name. Our ultrasound got moved on Friday March 2 because our blood screen for birth defects came back concerning for Spina Bifida and they wanted a specialist to do our ultrasound. We anxiously awaited March 8th with excitement and a bit of nervousness. We knew that God's plans were bigger than ours and that we would love and cherish our baby no matter what birth defects it may have.
However, we were not prepared to hear what the doctor had to tell us. Our baby has multiple congenital anomalies. Some of these are consistent with Down Syndrome. We don't care that the baby has down syndrome, and love the baby anyways. The worst of these however is that the baby has no amniotic fluid. They think that there is an obstruction not allowing the baby to pee, which makes amniotic fluid, because the bladder is distended and the kidneys have fluid around them from fluid back up. Amniotic fluid is important for lung development. If there isn't amniotic fluid the lungs can't develop and the baby won't be able to breathe at birth, even with help. The kidneys will also be very sick and will likely fail because of the urine backed up. The fact that the baby has no amniotic fluid means that the baby won't survive. The bladder is getting larger and pressing on the heart which will eventually cause the heart to stop and we will have to deliver our cherished baby stillborn. We still don't know the gender because they couldn't see it on ultrasound.
We are completely in shock. Our hearts have shattered into a million tiny pieces. Instead of planning our child's nursery and baby showers we are now trying to figure out how to plan a funeral. We plan on having a memorial service to honor this little ones life. This baby matters to our family and more importantly to God and deserves to be remembered. We said before that we will love the baby no matter what and we still do. We know that God has bigger plans than we can ever see. Right now we don't understand God's plan, and we may not while here on earth, but one day it will be revealed to us. I know that one day soon instead of me carrying my sweet baby home from the hospital it will be in heaven with it's grandparents, getting loved on by them, until one day when I can once again hold my sweet baby and dance on the streets of gold.
Please continue to lift us and our families up in prayer. Our hearts are so heavy and hurting and knowing that we are being supported by prayer is comforting and brings a peace that allows us to get through each day.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Embracing Change
We are learning to embrace change even if we would rather lay on the floor kicking and screaming that it's not fair. D and A have started 8 hour unsupervised visits with their mom and step-dad. After about 4 weeks of this, if things are going well, they will start overnight/weekend visits for a short time and then will go home for good. We do still have concerns about them going home, the main one being A's dad. We are concerned that the kids going home and the new baby being born at the same time will add too much stress to the family and he won't handle it well. However, we have expressed our concerns and have to trust that God has a much bigger plan. We have decided that it may be a better use of our energy to root for the family and do what we can to help them succeed. If the children are to go home we want the family to succeed so that the children aren't hurt again. These children mean the world to us and we want what is best for them.
Over the next few months we would appreciate your prayers for us, D, A, their families, the judge and CPS so that decisions being made are in D and A's best interest. Transitioning home is very hard on the kids emotionally and we will do our best to support them during this time.
D and A continue to do fabulously and are such a joy to have around. I can't imagine living the past 10 months without them!
Embracing change isn't always easy and isn't always what we want to do, but we are slowly learning to do just that. Some days are harder than others, but we will get through this as a family.
Over the next few months we would appreciate your prayers for us, D, A, their families, the judge and CPS so that decisions being made are in D and A's best interest. Transitioning home is very hard on the kids emotionally and we will do our best to support them during this time.
D and A continue to do fabulously and are such a joy to have around. I can't imagine living the past 10 months without them!
Embracing change isn't always easy and isn't always what we want to do, but we are slowly learning to do just that. Some days are harder than others, but we will get through this as a family.
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