Today was our first day back at church since Grant went to be with Jesus. It just happened to be Easter Sunday also. I so appreciate Easter this year. I have always appreciated it, but I now appreciate it differently. Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins and then being resurrected to sit at the right hand of God. Since finding out about Grant's diagnosis and then having to say goodbye to my son I have thought a great deal about Jesus dying for me. God brought Jesus into this world knowing that his son was going to die for everyone else's sin. I can't even begin to imagine knowing for that many years that my son was going to die to save the world. It had to be an incredibly heart breaking thing to know, yet God loved us enough to let his son die for us, wow. Something that has brought me comfort over the past few weeks is knowing that God knows my pain. He knows so well what it is like to have his child die. He also knows what it is like to have his child live with him for eternity, and now he has my child with him too. One day I know that Jonathan and I will join Grant in Heaven where we will worship a God who is so amazing that he let his own son die for us. Knowing that I will see Grant again and knowing that the God that I serve and love is caring for my baby boy brings me such peace.
Going to church today was hard, so very hard. It is so hard to see all of the little boys dressed in their Easter clothes, running to their mommies and daddies after church, seeing families celebrating with their little ones and imagining what Grant would have looked like next year in his first Easter outfit. Knowing that I will never see him run to Jonathan with a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eye breaks my heart. I can't wait until the day when we will all be together again. Until then I plan to live a life to honor God and to fulfill the purpose that he has for me as well as the purpose that he has for having Grant go to be with Him so soon.
D and A have been doing really well. They are such a joy to have in our home. I love seeing their smiling faces each day and hearing their giggles. They are in the process of transitioning home. They have been having 24 hour unsupervised visits for a few weeks now and will transition to 48 hour visits over the next few weeks. The current plan is for them to go home once school is out for D, however we still have some concerns about them returning home and hope that these things can be fixed before they are reunited or that they won't go home. D and A have made such an amazing amount of progress since being placed here almost a year ago. It is truly a pleasure to watch them develop and grow.
Grant has been gone for just over two weeks now and we miss him as much today as we did the day we said goodbye. We are in the process of planning his memorial service for April 21. This is something I never thought I would have to do for my child but being able to take time to plan his service has been healing in some ways. I have had a lot of time to think and pray about what we want to celebrate Grant's life. The prayers and support we have had from friends and family has been amazing and we don't have adequate words to say thank you.
Sorry for the jumbled thoughts today, this is how I think right now.