The emotions on this journey are so odd to me and sometimes it feels as if they all are there at once. It feels like constant ups and downs. Pain so deep you feel like you can't catch your breath at one moment but at other moments you feel love so much deeper and joy so much higher, all because you lost your baby. Sometimes you catch yourself smiling and laughing and then feel guilty for that, like you should be crying instead because you think how it would be different to have 3 little ones smiling and playing instead of just 2. Then you feel guilty again because you know that your little one is smiling and laughing, they are smiling and laughing in the best place possible, and it makes you smile again. You feel peace because you know that he is in Heaven and never going to know pain or sorrow. You feel helpless because you couldn't do anything about it but your his mom and you feel like you failed. You feel love, so much love for such a little person. You are more grateful for everything and everyone else in your life and you love them more now than ever before. Angry, angry that this happened and you couldn't fix it. Comfort because you know that God knows your pain. Compassion for other families who have gone before you, those traveling in the same part as you and those who are going to follow. Love, love and more love. I've made sure to tell Jonathan I love him more often and I tell others that that I love them more often now also. Grateful, so grateful for the blessings that we have. Empty, like a piece of you is missing. Fear, what if it happens again. Longing, longing for the things that could have been. Hope, I have hope because I know that right now is just a minuscule part of eternity and that I get to spend eternity with my baby and my creator.
God loves me. He LOVES me. What more could I ask for? He also knows my pain. His son died too, but His son died because He loves me. Sometimes I try to imagine heaven and what it will be like, but then I realize that my imagination is no where good enough to know what heaven is like so I imagine it the best I can and know that it will be 10,000 times better than I think. Revelation 21:1-4(NIV) says this: "Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will be with them and be their God. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning our crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.""
I'm no biblical scholar by any means, but this is what I see in this verse. First, this earth, these bodies of ours, poof, they will be gone. God will usher in something so much more amazing. The new place, where I will get to be because I know Christ, is going to be awesome. It talks about how it is dressed beautifully like a bride for her husband. I don't know about you but I love watching brides walk down the aisle and seeing how beautiful they look, imagine that, 10,000 times better. This new earth is going to be beautiful, to me it seems like it will be similar to how it was before the fall of man. Then it says that God will dwell right there with us, all the time, wow. Last it says that there will be no sadness or pain. This means there will be eternal joy and praise. I love it! Thank you God for your promises. I can't wait until the day when we are all in this new heaven, living together, without pain or sadness. Until then I will continue to praise God because I know these things are true. There will be a day when the emotions above won't all be there, instead they will be replaced by constant joy. This is a promise I cling to.