Things I Don't Want To Hear

As a mommy who first struggled with infertility and now has a baby in Heaven there are things that I didn't want to hear before and that I don't want to hear now. I'm going to venture to say that other women in my situation will agree with me. Other people have done posts like this but this is my take on things.

Infertility:
1. Just relax and it will happen (don't you think we've tried that?)
2. Start adopting and then you'll get pregnant, it happened to ...... (that doesn't happen as often as you think and it doesn't help me for you to say that)
3. You can always adopt (true and maybe we will but it doesn't take away a woman's desire to carry a baby)
4. Have a drink and a little fun (also, doesn't always work that way)
5. Did you hear ...... Is pregnant? (somedays I don't want to hear that random people are pregnant, you may want to make sure I'm close to that person first. Also, if you are the friend of a woman going through infertility and you want to share your exciting news don't dismiss your friends pain. We are excited for you but sometimes it stings. Talk to her in private and say something like this "I wanted to be the one to let you know that we are expecting a baby. I know that you are waiting for that day and didn't want you to be surprised by our news.")

Moms who have lost babies:
1. God needed your baby in Heaven (if the mom says this it's fine, but don't say it for her. It doesn't make the pain go away)
2. You are so blessed by the other children you have. (This is true but this baby was also wanted and is deeply missed. Children aren't interchangeable or replaceable)
3. You can always have another baby (This one has so many wrongs. Maybe she can't have another baby, maybe her and her husband will choose not to for whatever reason, and another baby doesn't replace the one lost. Someone wrote somewhere that if I lost my mom can I get another one, no, so why is losing a baby seen differently. Each child is not replaceable.)
4. "preaching" to you about how God will make it "all better" or if you believed more this wouldn't have happened. (If we happen to beleive in God we know He will get us through but no where in the Bible does he promise health, wealth and prosperity. God promises to be with us while we suffer, not take away our suffering, look at Job. If they didn't believe in God before you just made it harder to believe.)
5. Passing judgement on decisions made. Until you are in that situation, the one when you choose when to deliver your baby because no matter when you choose the baby is going to die (also called medical termination) don't judge. It is the most gut wrenching decision of a persons life that no one should have to make and neither decision is always the right one. Some parents chose to deliver early because they don't want their child to suffer any more than necessary and some choose to carry because they will have a little more time with their baby. Every family is different and both decisions are ok. If a friend had to make this decision acknowledge how incredibly hard it was and support them.$

This is for both categories:
We don't want to hear you complaining about your children or how hard your life is because of them or how terrible you feel because you are pregnant. You chose to have children and knew it was going to change your life and be hard. I would give anything to be woken up every 2 hours to feed my son or be so uncomfortable because I'm due tomorrow. Instead of complaining about your lack of sleep with your newborn why don't you look to heaven and thank God during those 2am feedings. I know that raising children is hard, I'm raising 2 right now, but think before you speak. So ,any people would love to be in your shoes. It's ok to acknowledge how hard it is to be a parent, it's not all happy and perfect all the time, but don't complain or whine. Try to thank God instead for your strong willed toddler because he is healthy enough to be strong willed, or for your midnight feedings because your child is alive and you get to spend precious time with him.

I really hope this helps someone see it from our prospective. I know that in situations like this people dont know what to say so here are some suggestions.
1. I am here for you. (mean it, call or just show up to sit with them. If they don't want your company they won't answer the door or phone. Don't be offended and come back on a different day. If while you are there they get up and start cleaning or don't do anything but sit quietly with tears streaming down their face, that's ok, you are there and it brings more comfort than you could know)
2. I love you
3. I know you are hurting and I am so sorry
4. Bring a meal or two. Deciding what to make for dinner and then making it is almost impossible when you are in such pain
5. Don't ask what they need. Thinking of what you need is impossible. Just do something, a meal, a card, babysit their other children, clean their house, mow the yard, pick up some necessary groceries, sit and listen.
6. Speak their childs name. We want to know our child is remembered and hearing you talk about them is healing for us. We may cry but that is ok.
7. Remember the important dates are hard. If the child was born early or stillborn the remainder of the time she should have been pregnant is hard. Milestones like reaching the 3rd trimester, original due date, baby shower date, etc. holidays like Mothers day and Fathers day, birthday of the baby, Christmas, etc. Later when it should have been the first day of Kindergarten or playing Tball for the first time. Acknowledge that these days are special and difficult.

I hope this helps someone, somewhere.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day hasn't been a day that I looked forward to in the past few years, and this year is no different. This year I actually am dreading Mother's Day. I was super excited for this day while I was pregnant. My first Mother's day with a baby in my belly. Last year I had D and A to celebrate with but I still had the sadness of infertility. This year I still have D and A (and I am so increadibly thankful for that) but now I have the sadness that instead of having Grant growing he is now living in Heaven. How does a mom of a baby in heaven celebrate Mother's Day. I am still a mom. I'm a mom to D and A and I am a mom to Grant. We won't be going to church this Mother's Day, we are on vacation, but we probably wouldn't have gone anyways, that would crush me to see all those mom's stand to be honored and have their children clap for them. Did you know that there is actually an International Bereaved Mother's Day? It was last Sunday. It was created in 2012 by moms who had lost children, because they understand. Mother's day was intially started by moms of soldiers who had died in war. It's been changed so much over the years. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to celebrate my mom, she's amazing, but it still hurts. There is this amazing community online of mommies who have lost children. They are some of the most supportive women I have ever "met". Some of these women write so beautifully and some of the things they write about Mother's day is amazing. You should go to this post here by Beth to read about what to say to bereaved mother's on Mother's day: http://www.bethmorey.com/2012/05/what-to-say-to-bereaved-mother-on.html Here is a post I wrote about my mom in the fall of 2008. She had just been taken off of a ventilator that had been keeping her alive for 2 weeks. These things are all still so true. Tribute to my Mom: I decided to list a bunch of words that I believe describe my mom. Too bad I'm not a walking thesauras because I would have many more.Here Goes: Mom, Grandma, Sister, Friend, Kind, Caring, Loyal, Trustworthy, Sarcastic, Empathetic, Selfless, Giving, Good, Big Heart, Worries, Smart, Strong, Proud, Passionate, Loving, Amazing, Beautiful, Talkative, Resourceful, active, and all around wonderful! Mom, you are the best mom in the entire world. Your love and support for me are never failing. You truly demonstrate unconditional love. You love our foster children just like you love your biological grandchildren and for that we are so greatful. God really did bless me by giving you to me as a mom. I love you.

Thankful Thursday #1

Another blog I follow does a thankful Thursday post. I decided I would start doing this too. This blog of mine has changed so much in the past 3 years and the most over the past few months as we navigate a new life without our son. Although I often talk of how hard this road is and how much I miss my Grant I am also still thankful for so many things. Yes, we have a son in Heaven but God has given us so many blessings. Here are the things I'm thankful for this week. 1. My husband. I am blessed to have him and he is amazing. 2. Vacation with my husband. We have needed to get away, more after the events over the past few months. This vacation has been so special to us. 3. The couple we met last night while the rain was falling at the Oriole/Ranger game. Now we are going to sit next to them for the double header today. 4. D and A staying with us 6 weeks longer than we expected. June 1 is quickly approaching but I am so greatful to get to love on them for a few more weeks. 5. My parents for watching D and A while we are on vacation.

Vacation...Bittersweet

We left for vacation on May 6. So far Washington DC has been beautiful. However, this vacation is bittersweet. We planned it for now because D and A were originally supposed to go home at the end of April. We also wanted to go before I was too pregnant to fly. Now D and A are at home being watched by my parents and I'm missing 2 precious weeks with them. I'm also not pregnant. I keep seeing women who are about as pregnant as I should be and it makes me sad. I would be 28 weeks this Thursday. I should be having to sit and rest while walking so much but instead I can walk as far and as long as I want. Grr. Our original vacation was only supposed to be for a week to Washington DC but we extended it so we could drive to Boston. We went to Boston on our honeymoon and it is one of our favorite places to go and very special to us. We are planning on spreading some of Grant's ashes there. Just thinking about it makes me sad. We have heavy saddened hearts yet we are still having fun and enjoying being together. I'll write another post when we get home about all the fun stuff we did.

A is 3!

Today, May 6, 2012, A is 3! He has lived here with his big sister D for 373 days and I have loved every day of it. Last year we shared his birthday with D because they arrived so close to their birthdays we didn't have time to have separate parties. Not this year! D's party is over and now it is time for the spotlight to shift to A! We had a pool party for him on Friday. Yes it was only May 4 and we had a pool party, oh the joys of living in central Texas. The weather was sunny and hot and the pool felt wonderful. A asked for monkey cupcakes, so monkey cupcakes he got. We also took sugar cookies to his school on Friday so he could share with his friends. The pool party was small with some close family and friends since we had to do it on a Friday night because of his family visits on the weekends. I wish we could have had a party on Saturday so we could invite his friends from school, but oh well, it was a lot of fun and he loved it (the only thing that really matters). He was one tired little boy when we drove him to meet his biological parents late Friday night for his weekend visit.

A,
You are the sweetest, silliest little boy I have ever met. You are seriously the best toddler I have ever seen.  Your smile lights up a room and is so contagious. People tell us all the time how beautiful you smile is. I think it is because when you smile your whole face lights up and smiles, not just your mouth. You are all boy! You love to play soccer, play in the dirt, look at motorcycles, firetrucks, monkeys and bathroom noises :). I absolutely love to hear you talk. When you first came here you could say 2 words and bark like a dog, now you speak in whole sentences, tell us about everything (even things from a few months ago), name all of your colors, and make your opinion known. I love how when we ask you "are you Kristy's or JaJa's?" you answer differently almost every time, although I think JaJa is really your favorite. You try so hard to be just like JaJa and it is absolutely precious. You adore your big sister and follow her everywhere, even when she doesn't want you to. I pray that you keep your joy for life as you grow up and that my sweet little boy grows up into a sweet young man. A, you make us smile everyday and we love you so much.

Here are some pictures of the goodies from the week. Again, I so wish I could show you pictures of him. The look on his face as he was opening his presents was wonderful.

Animal Cookies for School

Monkey Cupcakes!!

I love you my little monkey!

A Little About Me

I figure now is the time to tell a little about me. I am a Texas girl through and through. I love this place and don't plan on going anywhere. To me the weather is perfect. What is better than being able to wear flip flops for 10 months out of the year and having a flip flop tan line by April? What is better than swimming in April and May through September? And what is better than some of the nicest people I've ever met? OK, off my soap box about Texas :) I am married to a wonderful man named Jonathan and we have been married for almost 6 years. I have a Newfoundland dog named Cubby who is almost 9 and a new black lab puppy who is only about 3 months old. We have been foster parents for about 14 months now and I love it. It has it's ups and downs but is such a blessing to us. I am a pediatric hospitalist at the hospital here. I absolutely love my job and wouldn't trade it for anything. We recently had the hardest trial of our lives and are still walking down that road when our son Grant was delivered stillborn at 21 weeks. I know that God has such big plans for us and I strive every day to follow those plans. I love to sew, bake and cook. I have a garden in my back yard with a few friends and it has been so fun to watch it grow. I also love baseball and love going to different stadiums throughout the country. I guess that's it about me, how about you?

A Conversation With A

Sometimes on the way to take A to school we have to pass the Harley Davidson Dealership. A loves motorcycles. Here is our conversation from a few days ago.

A: MOTORCYCLE!
Me: yeah, motorcycles
A: I ride motorcycle with JaJa (for the record, we don't ride motorcycles). I not fall down. I put helmet on, cars helmet
Me: Your going to ride a motorcycle?
A: yeah, with JaJa
Me: Ok
A: I want the......orange one
Me: really (now laughing)
A: D wants the.........(with hand by his mouth really thinking) RED ONE
Me: Ok (Laughing harder)

You little man are hilarious.
Apparently a few days later A said he wanted a green one. Guess what he's getting for his birthday, yep, a toy motorcycle!