Big Changes

There are big changes in our future and I'm excited! This week I was talking with my mentor at work about my future. She also had infertility issues and is about 25 years older than me. She is one of my favorite staff at the hospital and I really learn a lot from her and her wisdom. We were talking about my fertility journey and the fact that Jonathan and I are getting frustrated. I told her that we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by early fall we would be stopping the fertility treatments and start pursuing adoption a little more. I don't want to be in the "thick of it" as my grandpa says when we are moving for my fellowship training. That is when she dropped the bomb.......

"do you really have to go to fellowship this year?" "What is the most important to you?" "If I had to do it again I would have put off my career for a few years so I could have spent more time trying to have my daughter. You can be a doctor forever but you only have a few years to become a mom"

Such insight. I hadn't even thought of it that way. I was just thinking that I needed to go to fellowship because it was what I wanted to do. ER is what I love to do. I would love being a mom more though. She had me thinking, and thinking hard. I drove home from work that day and over dinner started talking it over with Jonathan. I should just stop right here and tell y'all how awesome my husband is. I met him the week before I started medical school. He has supported me through 6 of the craziest years ever. Years where my schedule took me away from him, where I was stressed out, happy and sad days, failures and accomplishments. He is exactly what a Godly husband should be. Ok, on to the story. So I told him what my mentor had said and what I thought about it. I was thinking, "you know, it may be a good idea to take a year to work as a general pediatrician before going to fellowship so we can pursue having a family". He brought up the option of maybe taking more than a year, maybe a few years. He has always wanted to finish his college degree but because he has been working full time to support us while I've been attaining my dream his has had to be put on the back burner. Well, not any more. That's right. I'm going to work full time starting next summer as a Pediatrician and he is going to go back to school.

Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had to give up something that I have been working towards for the past 2 years, something people expect of me. However, it was so liberating. I realized that I will be perfectly happy working as a Pediatrician. Not sure if I will work in Pediatric Urgent care or maybe the ER as a Pediatrician but either one will be fun and fulfilling. Plus, it allows me to have the ability to stay with my current fertility specialist, Dr. Winzek who I love. It also will allow us to have the money to adopt if that is what we decide to do.

It has been fun to dream! When people ask us when we will buy a house we have been saying after fellowship. We were saying "after fellowship" regarding a great deal of things that we want to do. I am ready to be done with training, ready to live life. We have started looking at houses, looking at possibly taking a nice vacation next year, buying Jonathan a new car, being able to start paying off my student loans. It was hard at first to wrap my mind around not going to fellowship. Like I said, I had been preparing for it for so long. I was actually about to start the application process next month. When I would think of my schedule for the fall I was still thinking, well, I will be on interviews, but that's not true anymore and I love it! I am so excited for what God has in store for us!

On the fertility front.... We are on cycle 2 of the current dose of Clomid. The first cycle of this dose did what it was supposed too, I just didn't get pregnant. I have no reason to believe that this cycle won't work but I will know for sure next week at my appointment. I'm sure I'll have to give myself a shot again, oh well, it will all be worth it when we finally have a baby.

Until!

Another One Come and Gone

Another Mother's Day has come and gone. I love my mom! She is fabulous! I just wish that I could celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. It seems that every day I hear about people I grew up with having babies. I can't wait to be a mom. I am about to start another round of meds this month to make me ovulate, hopefully I'll get pregnant.

Jonathan and I talked the other day and it was kinda cool....I had been thinking about the options we have to become parents. I have been praying about this and researching our options. On Friday an idea came into my head and I talked to God about it. My idea was to give our infertility treatments a few more monthsl and if we had no pregnancy we could start the adoption process. We went on a date that night and Jonathan started a conversation talking about when I would be willing to consider adoption. I really think that God is working on our hearts to accept a little one into our lives soon, be it from my room or from someone elses, either way they will be chosen by God.

Now the question is how do you adopt? How do we go about chosing an agency? Do we chose a child wiht disabilities? Do we chose to wait for a newborn? If we say we are ok with disabilities, how far are we willing to go? How old of a child are we willing to take? These are my thoughts. I want a baby, one no older than about 14-15 months, but I would prefer one under about 9 months. I want a child with a normal mental capacity, one that can interact and grow. I would love to have a child with no disabilities but I know that we would be able to provide a wonderful home to a child with dissabilities. I don't want to ask Jonathan to accept a child that is going to be harder to care for because they have dissabilities. I don't know. We will be continuing to pray about it.

until.

The Journey

The infertility journey that is. We have been trying to have a baby since Nov. 2008. I learned in Nov 2009 that I have PCOS. PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disorder where your ovary has lots of cysts (or follicles) but each month you don't make the right hormones in the right amounts to cause you to develop a follicle into an egg and then cause it to release, meaning getting pregnant doesn't happen to often. I have been taking Clomid (a hormone that causes follicles to make eggs) since Jan of this year and the first 3 rounds were unsuccseful. I am now at the max dose of clomid and the last round an egg was developed and released after giving myself a shot (yuck). However, as well all know, people don't always get pregnant the first time. We are taking the month of May off and will be trying again in June.

That's all the facts, but it's not just about facts. It's more about feelings or emotions. I long to have a baby. My arms ache to hold a little one. To wake up at 2am for feedings, to watch them smile for the first time, sit up, roll over, crawl, walk, get into stuff. To see my wonderful husband fall head over heals in love with our child. I walk down the street, go to the mall, go to work and see babies everywhere. It kills me to see people who have children but aren't taking care of them, aren't parenting, or don't seem to love their gifts from God. On the flip side, it's wonderful to see people who treasure their children as the gifts that they are.

Do you know how bad it hurts to see your friends having babies and you are still aching to hold your own? Friends that you grew up with dreaming about having children together. Some of them having their 2nd or 3rd children already and I don't have one. I know that sounds terrible and I am truly happy for them to have children but I want to be where they are. Most days I don't think about it, but then it hits me and I can't help but cry. We are considering adoption and I think that if in a few months the meds don't work we will start working more diligently towards adoption. I really want a baby, not a toddler or preschool aged child. I want a child that I can watch grow from the beginning, who doesn't remember being neglected or abused. Maybe when we are experienced parents we can adopt an older child but I don't think we are ready for that and I'm just not ready to give up my dream of having an infant.

Off to work I must go.

Until

Wow, It's Been A Long While!

I really need to get better at keeping this thing up to date. Life is really busy at the Bybee house, has been for over a year and will continue to be for the next 2 years at least. We have been doing well. We have found a church that we really like in Belton. It's nice to have a church to go to and people to relate with.

Residency is going well. I really do love my job. I've learned over the past few months that I love to be in critical care situations, something I thought I would love but has been affirmed to me. I am planning on continuing to pursue my future as a pediatric emergency medicine doctor. This career will take me another 3 years after I finish my residency but that is ok.

We are still trying to have a baby and it is proving to be difficult. I'm probably going to start blogging about that since I really need an outlet for it. November will be a year since we started trying and after a year of being unsuccessful the doctors are allowed to start figuring out what the problem is and what needs to be done to fix it. Adoption is an option for us as well and it's something we have always wanted to do even if we have a few of our own children. Pictures will be posted eventually, promise :)

On another note: I have been making baby items for friends and family and have been told by a few people that I should sell them. I'm seriously considering doing this, just for fun and maybe a little extra cash. I'm also considering donating a portion of the proceeds to Childhood Cancer Research. I'm just not sure how much interest I would have in people buying them and how much time I have to make extras. It's just a thought still.

Don't Forget: September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month!!!!!!

-until-

An Idea

So a child I have helped to care for is getting treatment at St. Jude's Children's Hospital in Tennessee. This is one amazing place. Children's hospitals are probably one of the greatest places on Earth. We get to change a child's and families life forever. Children are such a joy to take care of.  At this hospital they have a wall with the letters A-Z on them. Children at the hospital get to pick a letter and what the letter stands for. I decided I would do my own version of this on here today.

A: Amazing- Life is amazing if you think about it. God orchistrates everything. 

B: Beautiful- Spring in Texas, flowers, children's laughter, a new baby sleeping

C: Courageous- seeing children face illness and treatment with smiles on their faces is a true sign of courage

D: Death- we fight it each and every day and we usually win. Another doctor once said "there are things in this world that are worse than death"

E: Earnest- our efforts in making children's lives better

F: FUN- what we try to have everyday at work! I have the greatest job in the world cause I get to play with kids all day.

G: GOD- He is the one that knows everything before we do and created these wonderful children that we have the gift of caring for.

H: Home & Hugs- there is no place like being home or hugs from a child

I: Impossible- to save everyone. It's heartbreaking but it's the truth of life. 

J: Joy- what children always seem to have

K: Kids- the reason I love my job

L: Life- something I have the privelage to impact daily

M: Mom- I love both of mine and something I hope to be some day

N: Naps- I love nap time, especially on my post call days where I didn't get enough sleep the night before

O: Opportunity- We all have the opportunity to change someone's live by being kind

P: Prayers- God really does listen 

Q: Quilts- I love to make them for other people

R: Rain- spring rain is so wonderful to listen to

S: Spring- New life 

T: Texas- my home and I love it here!

U: Unseen- We can't see the future but our God can. He knows the unseen and unknown to us.

V: Violets- one of my favorite flowers

W: Wonderful- my life, my Husband, my job

X: x-rays: something I'm getting really good at reading

Z: Zonked- not sure if it's actually a word but it's how I feel after working a 30 hour shift

That's it for now!

Until!

Understanding

When did I become so synical? I used to believe in the best in people first and think the worst last. That is no longer the case. Now most of the time I think the worst and then convince myself to think the best. Maybe it's because I have seen so much in the past 9 months. There is so much meanness in the world. I can't fathom how people can hurt children. I also can't fathom how people can be so stupid. They think that lying will cover up their story but all it does is make us more suspicious of them. 

Have you seen the beauty that is spring yet? I know some of you live in farther north parts of the country but it is Spring in Texas! Yesterday we had a good ole Texas thunderstorm. One with Hail and wind and lots of rain! The kind where the temp drops about 20 degrees in 10 minutes when it arrives and where everyone talks about how nasty it is outside. I love Texas Thunderstorms!

We are helping my parents move into their house this weekend! I'm ready for them to be out of our house. I'm glad they are moving here though. It has been nice having mom here to talk to. I can't wait to be pregnant and be able to tell them we are having a baby! Hopefully in the next year we will be able to become parents. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Until!

Spring is Here!

I'm not very good at keeping this thing updated. I met Jonathan's Mom, she is really nice. The wedding shower and wedding went great. I decided that making the wedding cake was more stressful than running a Code Blue. The weekend of the wedding was exhausting but so much fun. I felt like Duff from Ace of Cakes when we were delivering the cake to the reception site right before the wedding. The wedding was in the country down lots of bumpy roads and when we got there the icing had begun to slide off of the cake. I had to fix the icing and get ready for the wedding in less than an hour, whew! The cake turned out beautiful and it tasted great! Since then I have been just working. We are planning on going to California in July to see his mom, fun! Mom and Dad are living with us for one more week, then they are moving into their own house. I'm ready to have my house back. Jonathan and I are doing well and loving life. We have been married almost 3 years now. How crazy is that? Jonathan's best friend Matt is getting married this summer and we are making his Groom's cake, it should be lots of fun. I love making cakes that look like something else! I am also currently working on a quilt for my sister and I need to finish mine that I started last year. So busy, so busy.

The Bluebonnets have started to bloom! They are by far my favorite flower and I love when they are blooming all along the highway and in fields. They are more abundant down here than in the Dallas area. Bluebonnets are a sign that Spring has arrived in Texas, even if it hasn't quite arrived elsewhere.

Until!