Today I am sad. Some days it just hits you and you have to embrace it to move on. That may sound silly, but you can't avoid it. You can busy yourself for a while and make it go away but it will come back. You have to face it head on, embrace it, feel it, and eventually it will lessen. I keep thinking how I should be 32 weeks pregnant. 32 weeks. That's how far along my sister-in-law was when my twin nieces were born. I know exactly what a 32 week baby looks like. I've seen many of them in my profession and 2 beautiful ones in my nieces. Yet, I'm not 32 weeks along. I'm 11 weeks after delivery instead. In 6-8 weeks I should be welcoming our baby home, yet I have already said hello and goodbye. I ache to hold him again, to feel his kicks, to see my belly grow with his life safely tucked inside. I long for what could have been. I know that heaven is real, and that he is safe and loved there, but I wish he was safe and loved here, with us, instead. I wonder what it feels like to be 32 weeks pregnant in the middle of summer in Texas? I know it would be hot, but I wouldn't have cared. I would give almost anything to be hot and pregnant. My arms ache to feel the weight of a baby. To hold them close and smell their sweetness. To listen to their soft baby grunts and coos and watch them sleep. I miss him. I miss him so incredibly much.
I know one day I will get to see him again and get to hold him close. Until then I am going to do my best to continue following God, even though some days that is incredibly hard to do. I can't wait for the day when we will meet again.
Grant, Mommy loves you so much baby boy. I always have and always will.