I may be behind the times here, but I recently watched the movie Courageous for the first time. I had been wanting to see it, just hadn't done it. I knew that it was a movie about some police officers and it is faith based, other than that, I had no idea what it was about. I personally thought it was a really good movie. It's about a few officers who work for the sheriff's department and are fathers. One of these men looses his 9 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. This loss is what inspires him to make the resolution to be a better father and to get his friends involved in this resolution.
That right there made me think. Those of us who have lost children know how much our children inspire us. These children of ours in heaven inspire us to be better moms, dads, doctors, teachers, etc. They also inspire us to do great things to help other families who are suffering like we are. The pain of losing a child is so incredibly deep there are few things that lessen it. I know for me, one thing that has helped me tremendously in my grief is to help others who are going through what I have already gone through. It absolutely breaks my heart to hear about another family having to say goodbye and it makes me want to lessen their pain anyway possible.
Another part of the movie after his daughter dies he is talking to his pastor for advice. The pastor said something that really, really made me think. The pastor said this "There needs to be a grieving process and the Lord is the one who carries you through it. It takes time, it takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who have lost a loved one that in some ways it is like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but your never the same. But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. God doesn't promise an explanation but he does promise to walk with us through the pain. The hard choice for you is whether or not you are going to be angry for the time you didn't have with her, or grateful for the time you did have."
Wow! I totally needed to hear that when I heard it. One, I needed to hear that I can chose to be angry or thankful. I also needed to hear that it's ok that I will never be the same. It is like an amputation, living without your child. I have changed. I am no longer the person I was and that is ok. I actually think that I am turning into a better person because of Grant. I am choosing to be thankful for the 21 wonderful weeks I had with Grant. I am choosing to be thankful for his life and the impact it has had on me and those around me. I am choosing to be thankful that God has placed a burden on my heart to help other families who are hurting. God is working in this situation. He is carrying me on this journey where pain is so deep you feel like you can't catch your breath at times, but when I remind myself to completely lean on God, the pain lessens.
Something as simple as watching this movie has helped me to have hope. This journey isn't easy. I still have bad days, really bad days, but I have good days too. I can see myself peeking through again where at one time I couldn't see me for the fog of pain and grief. I think that I am liking the person I am becoming. I know that Grant has a huge part of who that person is. I love Grant so incredibly much, I think of him daily, and I miss him all the time. I don't think those things will change before the day I see him again in Heaven, but I'm ok with that. I'm ok with completely depending on a God who I know loves me and is holding Grant safe. I know hard days will come, but I know that God will carry me through those like he has carried me through the last 11 weeks and 4 days.