Sewing Day Success

My first sewing day was a success in my eyes. I was super nervous that it wouldn't turn out the way I had planned or hoped but I think all went well. We had about 15 people there helping. There were a few more that wanted to come but couldn't and a few that couldn't be there but brought fabric for us to use. I had cut out some diapers and hats (with the help of my mom and sister) so that people could get started on sewing. I hadn't had time to get some to the turning stage or to the top stitching stage and I think that next time I will have to work on that to help get more finished product out of the day. All in all it was a great day. We ended up with about 30 completed diapers and about 100 that are ready to be flipped and top stitched. We also have about 30 completed hats. I met some wonderful ladies who love to sew that were happy to take home some things to complete and bring back to me. I even met a lady who recently moved here and is going to get some of her friends to help who live out of town. I was able to share my passion with others and watch them truly "get it". My little sister took some pictures of the day that I will have to share with you when I get them. I shared with these women that my goal is to diaper every baby bum from Waco to Round Rock and they are willing to help me accomplish my goal.

I even had a helper that is a new friend brought to me by God. Here is our story. A few weeks ago a woman contacted me through email, we will call her E. She sent me an email explaining that she had been reading my blog for a few months. She found it by reading a blog that led her to a blog that led her to my blog. She was reading these blogs because, unfortunately she too knew the pain of losing a baby. Her son C was stillborn at 21 weeks in January. See, she had been reading my blog all this time and had never said anything to me until now. I was seriously giddy as I was reading her email explaining this. Then she gets to the part where she saw my blog post about my sewing day. This is what prompted her to contact me. I don't usually post about where I live for safety purposes but when advertising the sewing day I had to put where it would be held. She saw that it was in the same area that she lives in. She lives about 2 miles from me! What?! Now as I was reading the email I was seriously giddy. How God works amazes me. She was asking if she can come to the sewing day and of course I say yes. I also ask her if she would like to meet for lunch. We met for lunch that same week. She was so so sweet and her little girl is beautiful. She is also expecting her rainbow baby. During lunch we were talking about Grant and C. We were sharing their stories. It is so nice to have someone who truly understands you. We talked about our experience in the hospital and how these items are going to bless other families. She mentioned that she had an amazing nurse. I mention that so did I. I ask who her nurse was. She tells me S. What?! That was my nurse and she was fabulous, a Godsend. We then find out that we had the same Ob/Gyn and the same specialist do our ultrasounds. Our hospital is a big place with lots of doctors and nurses. This can only be orchestrated by God. We lived a few miles from each other and shared the same people in our life. We had probably crossed paths countless times. We also found out that she lives in the same neighborhood as one of our best friends. Our friend that my husband was a nanny for, only 1 street over, what are the odds. The odds are not that. God doesn't care about odds. It amazes me that my little boy brought me a new friend who only lives a few miles away all because our God cares about us. Today we found out that E's husband J has been mowing the yard next to our friends (that my husband still mows despite that they moved) because the house next door is vacant and the yard is overgrown. Seriously?!

So now we have new friends that God brought in our lives because of our boys Grant and C. Perfect!

6 Months

September 23. 6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days. I still miss him. I miss him so much it still makes me catch my breath sometimes. Other times it doesn't sting quite as badly, but it is still there. In the last 6 months I have known pain that I wish no one knew. I have also seen things more clearly and appreciated things more deeply than I have in the previous months and years of my life. Loss will do that you, you know. Break you down and make you see what is truly important and make you appreciate the little things. I have always loved sunny days but ever since losing Grant on the brightest, clearest days I will stop and thank God for the sunshine. Grant was born on a beautifully sunny day and it makes me smile to think of him. Sometimes I smile and cry at the same time. I am so so thankful for his life. He made me a mommy. He gave me a wonderful 21 weeks and has taught me to see things so differently. I love him and miss him every day. I love him and what he has taught me. He's taught me things that I don't think a living child could have.

We went to church today. Not to our normal church but to church with a new friend. There they sang the song "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I can't remember if I have heard the song before. I think I have but I don't ever remember it touching me like this. My favorite lyrics are in the first and last stanza. 

Here is a you tube version with lyrics to follow. I lost it in church. I sat there sobbing. "Blessed the Lord, Oh My Soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship His holy name." I could do a better job of worshiping God through my grief. I know He is good and full of mercy, kindness and grace. I love that He is full of grace. It means it's ok that I screw up because His grace covers it. It means it's ok that some days I am angry that my son is dead. It also means that I can come back to Him and he will hold me tightly and love me. That is what I'm doing. Going back into God's embrace. I am going to worship Him in my pain. The two stanzas that are my favorite are highlighted. 

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus x2]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

I still need to feature my sweet hubby on here. He recently wrote a sonnet for class that is beautiful. Maybe he will let me share it with y'all. 

Grant,

I love you more than I have the words to say. I miss you daily but I rejoice in knowing that one day we will meet again and I will spend eternity with you. I am thankful for the 21 weeks I had with you. I am also thankful for what your life has done for mine. I have made friends and have been able to be an encouragement to others on this journey, all because of you sweet boy. Your life is truly a miracle and I am so thankful God gave me you. I love you. 

Mommy

Teeny Tears Donation 1&2

Today my sweet sweet hubby and I traveled to Waco to make our second (but first in person) Teeny Tears donation. We enjoyed a lunch out and then went on to Providence Hospital to donate diapers, hats and blankets to their Labor and Delivery and NICU units. Earlier this month we shipped 40 diapers to Houston to a Threads of Love chapter there. Today we delivered 60 diapers, 60 hats, 60 blankets and about 5 sleeper/hat combos.

I have thoroughly enjoyed sewing these over the last few months. It has been so therapeutic to sew things knowing that they will bless another family during their darkest moments. I know how much something so small can mean to these families. The nice lady I met with at the hospital today has worked very hard to get our donation along with a donation of memory boxes from Luke Lives On. She was so excited to receive these and as a mommy who has lost a baby herself she really "got" it.
Here are some pictures of the finished product!

I can't wait until Saturday when we have our sewing day. Hopefully we will be able to supply two more local hospitals in the near future and expand to a few more soon! 

Thankful Thursday #9

Today has been a great day! Here are the things I'm thankful for this week.

1. A friend who sent me a very sweet birthday present in the mail. It included a card that still makes me laugh when I think about it. I love you Kimberly!

2. I have completed 30 sets of diapers, blankets and hats for my first delivery to be made next Monday. That's 60 diapers, 60 hats and 60 blankets! I can't wait to deliver them.

3. My first sewing day is coming up and I'm super excited about the help that will be there and the things we will get accomplished to bless families in the area.

4. I'm meeting someone for lunch tomorrow who has been reading my blog and is coming to help on the 22nd. This is totally God working and I can't wait to share more about it.

5. It's STORMING!!!! I love thunder storms and we need a good rain.

Burst Bubble

My bubble has burst. My innocence bubble and my hope that my body may actually do something right bubble. After I delivered Grant I was told my cycles would resume in no more than 6 weeks. They were right. I didn't really expect them to keep cycling regularly though since they have never really done that before without medical intervention. I was instructed to start taking my metformin again for my PCOS, so I did. Lo and behold a month later another cycle without further medications. I was slightly sad that I wasn't pregnant again but I was actually happy that my body was doing what it was supposed to. I thought that hey, maybe being pregnant had kicked my hormones into gear. Jonathan and I had talked about how long we wanted to try to get pregnant on our own before we would be comfortable going back to the fertility guy, Dr. W. We decided that if we hadn't been successful by October we would go back. Fast-forward to the end of August. My cycle came again as it had done 4 times before without medication. I was disappointed and frustrated that I wasn't pregnant again. I called Dr. W to schedule an appointment thinking it would take me about a month to get in since I hadn't been there since last November. Not so. I had an appointment for today. It actually worked out perfectly. I should be mid-cycle today so I should be ovulating soon and they would be able to see it on ultrasound and confirm that my body was doing what it was supposed to. NOOOOOO. My body has apparently been fooling me all this time. My ultrasound showed absolutely nothing going on besides my PCOS. I was so flabbergasted and mad at my own body. How could it have tricked me like this? So, here we go again with hormones and an injection at the end. I'm really frustrated, and pretty sad, right now. I really didn't want to have to go down this path again. The medications make me feel terrible (and not so nice). It's just frustrating (have I said that already, sorry). I really hope that this works quickly this time. We are ready to welcome a baby home. Dr. W is starting me on the same medications and same dose that I took when I got pregnant with Grant. No need to re-invent the wheel. So, for my records, I will be taking 200mg of Clomid for 7 days along with 2.5mg of Femara the first 5 days. I will also have an injection of HCG at the end of it all to stimulate ovulation. I will start taking the medications on Friday.

Please let this work quickly and end in a healthy baby being brought home with us. 

Thankful Thursday #8

I haven't done a Thankful Thursday post in a while. I decided this evening that it was once again time to list what I am thankful for. I have had some really really hard days recently with my grief and pain almost being as raw as it was in the beginning. It really does help to remind myself what I am thankful for so here goes.

1: I'm thankful that my friend's baby is healthy and doing well despite being born early.
2: I'm thankful for a husband who hugs me tight and understands when I am upset.
3: I'm thankful for a job that I love where I get to impact children and families lives.
4: I'm thankful that I have a beautiful son that has inspired me to be a better person.
5: I'm thankful that I have found a way to help other grieving families and that I have friends and family members who are willing to help me.

When Your Friend Has A Baby

As a mommy who recently (5 1/2 months ago) kissed her baby boy goodbye for the 1st and last time I figured maybe, just maybe, I can share what it's like to have a friend have a baby shortly after you do. I'm not talking acquaintance. I'm talking friend. A person that you spend time with often, you talk to all the time, someone near and dear to you. I have plenty of acquaintances that have had babies since Grant died. I even have quite a few that had baby boys in August, when Grant was supposed to be born. However, I also have a few good friends who have had babies recently or will in the near future. Only one of these friends actually lives in the town that I live in. The others live a few hours away so it's a little different for me with them. The one that lives here I see a few times weekly and talk to all the time.

One of my biggest concerns when we found out that Grant wasn't going to live was how was my friendship with this woman going to survive this? How was I going to be able to celebrate her baby while I mourned mine. Well, here's how. It's not easy. It hurts. However, it needs to be done. It's not her fault that my child died. Her baby is a blessing from God just like Grant is. Therefore, I'm choosing to celebrate her through my tears and pain. It's what a true friend would do and she deserves no less. I do have to say that it did help the pain a little when she found out she was having a girl. Something about knowing I wasn't going to have to watch a baby boy who should be growing up with Grant, grow up without him. They still would have been friends and would have grown up together but at least she wears pink and bows :) My first hurdle was getting through her baby shower. I decided I would help host it. We had talked baby showers before Grant passed away and it was something I wanted to do for her. I made hand-made baby presents so I wouldn't have to look at the registry and could focus on "girly" things. I survived that day with only a few tears, in private, before and after. I knew the next hurdle would be the delivery and visiting her in the hospital. She was delivering at the same hospital I did. There's not much choice around here. I thought her delivery would be in October, it's when she was due. I thought I had time to prepare. That's what I get for thinking. She texted me yesterday morning to let me know her water broke and she was heading to the hospital at 35 weeks. I called her and prayed over her and that baby girl. When I hung up I prayed some more. I prayed for safety. As a mommy who has lost a baby and knows many others who have lost babies and as a Pediatrician I know things can go wrong. I prayed that God would protect that little girl. A little girl I already love. I felt a peace and knew that she was going to be just fine. Then came the time to go to the hospital to visit before the baby came. We went up there last night and I think my husband and I did ok visiting while there. However, I have to admit that I did cry when trying to go to sleep because everyone was laughing and anticipating a healthy baby in that delivery room where the last time I was in a similar room we all had somber faces. Her baby girl was born perfectly healthy at 2:32am this morning. As soon as they told me the time I smiled and cried at the same time. Grant was born at 2:32pm. I felt like it was my little boy saying "hi mommy". I think it's really neat that they share a birth time (even though one is am and one is pm), since they don't get to share anything else. She was also born the month that Grant was supposed to be born. Today has been much more difficult emotionally. We went to see her this afternoon. I knew that I needed to make myself hold her. I knew that it was necessary and it would be hard. I didn't expect the look on my husbands face as I held her though. I don't know what I really expected from him but it wasn't that. He looked so sad again. He initially declined to hold her because it was so hard. Eventually he did hold her, and looked so precious doing so. I wonder if my face looked like his did when he looked upon me holding an infant. It took everything I had not to cry right there. How can one person feel so excited and happy for someone else and so broken for themself at the same time? That's how it is. Happy and excited for her, sad and broken for us. Intense longing to be where they are. Celebrating insetaed of grieving. I truly do think it is a necessary step of healing for me and I'm so so so happy that my friend and her baby are well. August has been a hard month and I'm happy to see it go soon. I'm hoping September is better.

For anyone who read all of that and is in my situation and wondering how they will survive it. Here's my advice. Try your hardest to do what you would have done for them before your loss. Constantly remind  yourself that it's ok to be happy for them and sad for you at the same time. It's ok to walk in your door at home and burst into tears. Heck, it's ok to cry wherever you want! Your friend will understand.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

It's not easy to do but God has taught me so much with this one little verse. Just because I am grieving doesn't mean I can't rejoice with others.