My Reality

I've heard other mommies wailing and pleading with God to save their baby. This is part of my job. A part that has always broken my heart but now breaks it even more. I so badly want to change things for that family. I feel helpless and broken hearted. I no longer have to imagine what it feels like for them, I know. I know the pain that is going to come. I know the sadness and suffering and longing they are going to have. I pray that they can feel God like never before. I pray that they know their child is in heaven and find some peace in that. I pray that somehow they find healing in the days and weeks and months and years to come.

Sewing Baby Hats- My First Tutorial

UPDATE: 6/28/2012

On the recommendation of someone else I am linking up to The Shabby Creek Cottage Transformation Thursday. If you are from The Shabby Creek Cottage, welcome! If you are thinking of making these baby hats to donate to your local hospital please make 2 identical hats. This allows the family to have the same hat that the baby has without leaving the baby without. Please also take a moment to visit Teeny Tears here: Teeny Tears Diapers. This organization provides free patterns to make tiny flannel diapers so that babies who are born too early and don't survive or who are born stillborn can have a diaper to wear. If you would like to make hats, blankets or diapers to donate to my hospital I would be happy to accept donations. Please just leave a comment on the post and I will let you know where they can be sent. My goal is to provide 2 diapers, 2 hats and 2 blankets with 1 sleeper or gown to every family who is dealing with infant death at Scott and White Memorial Hospital in Temple, TX. 

This tutorial came about because I am making teeny tiny baby hats to donate to my hospital for babies who are born sleeping or die shortly after birth. These hats are for babies from about 16 weeks to about 32 weeks. Babies after 32 weeks can generally wear preemie size clothing and have hats and things available to them. Any mommy who has a baby who has died knows how important it is to have clothes/hat/blanket for your baby. No mommy wants to kiss their baby goodbye and send them off naked. I remember thinking "I don't want him to be cold. I want him to be cozy and warm." Us mommies also know that we don't have many "things" that belonged to our babies. This is especially true for the babies that are born really early. We treasure every thing we have that belonged to them or was for them.

Most patterns for teeny tiny baby hats are for knit/crochet. I can do neither. This prompted me to go on a hunt for a pattern that I could sew. I am fairly good at sewing, however I prefer simple projects. This was especially true for this purpose, the easier and faster the better, since I need to make a lot of hats.

This is really simple. Only the most basic skills are necessary.

Materials:
1. knit fabric, less than a half a yard is needed, you can make multiple hats from 1/2 yard (a soft baby knit is perfect for this). A knit fabric is a fabric that stretches (usually more in one direction than the other). Fabric stores often have really cute little baby prints in knits. Make sure you prewash your fabric following the fabric directions
2. Thread (a good all purpose thread is just fine)
3. Sewing Machine
4. Sewing Machine needle for knits (mine is a yellow shank needle, follow the size recommendations on the package)
5. ruler or measuring tape
6. scissors or rotary cutter
7. something that makes a circle, like a glass (trust me, it's way easier than trying to draw a perfect half circle)


Step 1:
You will want to cut a square of fabric 1 inch larger than the circumference of the babies head. If this is for an older child, just measure a hat you already have or measure their head. If it is for a baby here is a list of sizes. 16 weeks: 16cm; 17 weeks: 17cm; 18 weeks: 18 cm; 19 weeks: 19cm, 20 weeks: 20 cm; 22 weeks: 22cm; 24 weeks: 24 cm; 26 weeks: 25.5cm; 28 weeks: 27 cm; 30 weeks: 28.5cm; 32 weeks: 30 cm; 34 weeks: 31 cm; 36 weeks: 32cm; 38 weeks: 33cm; 40 weeks: 35cm.

There are 2.54cm per inch. Most measuring tapes/rulers/rotary cutting boards have cm markings also. I usually find my cm marking on my rotary board and then add 1 inch (I know different types of measurements so it can be confusing)

Example: 22 week hat; need 1 square of fabric 22cm +1inch

Step 2: Decide which direction your fabric stretches the most. You want the stretch to go horizontally in the hat.

Step 3: Fold the fabric, right sides together, so that the fold is perpendicular to the direction the most stretch is in

Step 4: Sew a 1/2 inch seam along the raw edges (you may have to go slow, knit can be tricky to sew on)

Step 5: You should now have a tube of fabric. Place the seam down the middle of the tube and lay open the seam

Step 6: Fold the tube on itself (like folding socks) so that the wrong sides are touching. Make sure the seam is lining up and laying flat

Step 7: Get your circular item and trace a semi circle on the fabric with the top of the semi circle almost touching the raw edge of the folded tube

Step 8: Sew along the line you traced (go slow, it's a curve). Trim off the excess to about a 1/8 inch seam allowance

Step 9: Turn your hat inside out and fold up the brim

TaDa! You did it!

I Don't Understand

Most of you know that I am a Pediatric Hospitalist. This means I am a doctor that only takes care of kids that are sick enough to be hospitalized. I work at the Children's Hospital here in my town. I absolutely love my job. I get to see really sick kids get better and go home. I get to see them go from scared and sick to happy and playful. I get to help parents cope with something horrible happening. I've always tried to remember that their child being sick in the hospital may be the worst thing that has ever happened to them and it is scary. Now that I know personally what it is like to have a child die I truly realize how scary it must be.

We get a variety of illnesses and injuries admitted to the hospital daily. From things that are really simple (like a toddler having tonsils removed) and they go home the next day, to kids with life threatening infections or conditions that stay in the hospital for weeks-months. We also get children with NAT (non-accidental trauma, AKA: Child abuse). I happen to live and work in the county in Texas with the highest incidence of child abuse. We care for A LOT of kids who have been injured by someone else. This is what I don't understand. How, How, can someone hurt a child? How can a child's own mom or dad hurt them? How can they hurt them bad enough that the child dies? I don't understand. For some reason summer time is a time of lots of child abuse, that and around the Christmas Holidays. I don't really know the reason behind this, just know that it is what it is. These cases have always broken my heart. It's one reason I wanted to go into foster care. My second night back at work after Grant died I took care of a child that had been a victim of child abuse. It took all I had not to yell at the family and I seriously wanted to punch them in the face. There was this perfect child that someone had hurt and the family was making up really stupid stories of how it happened. It made me so angry. Angry that this family has this perfect child that someone injured while I don't have mine. Angry that someone could even fathom hurting this child. I don't understand.

3 Months and The Memorial Service

3 months without you here. Somedays it seems like a lifetime, some days like it was just yesterday. I miss you everyday and think about you all the time. I think about how big I would be right now, 34 weeks pregnant. I think about what we would be doing this summer. Instead we are planning vacation for the week you were due and planning to paint the living room instead of a nursery. You have made me such a better person. I am so thankful for you and your life. I only wish you were here with us but I know that you are in such a better place. I love you sweet baby boy, always have and always will.

Grant's Memorial Service:
This is mainly to help me remember his service one day, I don't want to forget anything about him, so if it's jumbled, my apologies. It's weird, I remember everything with such clarity on the day we found out about his diagnosis, the second ultrasound, the day we went in to be induced and the day he was born. Those days all seemed to go by in slow motion. The day of his service was different though. It seemed to fly by. I remember most of that day with clarity, but some is already beginning to fade, like what was said, and I want to always remember.

April 21, 2012. 2pm. First Baptist Church, Belton, TX.

It was a beautiful day. Sunny and warm. It was a day just like the day he was born, it made me smile. The day we learned of his diagnosis it was storming and cold, it stormed that entire weekend, 3 days of rain. The day he was born it was beautiful spring weather and the day we celebrated his life was beautiful spring weather. His service was beautiful and perfect. (I used beautiful there a lot, oh well) Our pastor from our church we attended before we moved here drove down to perform the service. It was so special to us to have him do this. He was the one that married us and he was the one that Jonathan grew up in the church under. Randy Weeaks, we love you and so appreciate what you did for us. Since we had Grant cremated and we had his service almost a month after he was born we had time to really plan. I created a guest book on shutterfly that included maternity pictures and pictures of Grant as well as a letter I wrote to him from Jonathan and I. My sister made an amazing slide show of Grant's life. Jonathan and I chose the music to play before, during and after the service. We ordered balloons to release at the end and had people write notes on them. My sister actually had a brilliant idea to have people write notes on large address labels and stick them to the balloons, worked wonderfully! We placed some of Grant's things at the front of the church with 2 pictures. His blanket that my aunt made, his footprint impressions and card from the hospital, his monkey, and a Bible that my Mom had bought him.

Our church has been so supportive and loving during this. They had lunch prepared for us before the service so that our family could have lunch without having to worry about where to eat on the way here and so we would have time together. The sound guys did an amazing job with the music timing and volume. I love how softly it was playing when we walked into the church, but just loud enough to hear the words. I was really anxious about his service. I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. We had picked out music to play while people where showing up and before the family entered the sanctuary. The last 2 songs on that list were Glory Baby by Watermark and I Will Carry You by Selah. The last verse of I Will Carry You was playing when we walked into the sanctuary, perfect timing. I love that song. It conveys so well how I feel. The songs before that were SEE by Stephen Curtis Chapman, Blessings by Laura Story and The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me. Right after we were seated we played Beauty Will Rise by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It is by far one of my favorite songs. I love the emotion behind it but more importantly I love the lyrics and how incredibly true they are. Here is a you tube video of the song.

After the song was played our pastor said some things about us and Grant. I wish I had it recorded to remember exactly what was said, but I do remember that every word spoken was truth, and some even caused some laughter. We then had Randy read a letter I had written to Grant from Jonathan and I. After the letter we had a slide show of Grant's life that my sister put together. Have I mentioned how amazing she is? Here is the you tube video of his slide show. The music is Gone Too Soon by Daughtry. 

When the slide show ended Randy spoke again, this time a little about Grant and our love for him, but mostly about how amazing heaven will be and how we will see Grant again. He even spoke about what Grant's name means (Great) and how much greater Grant will be in Heaven. When the service was over we played Praise You In The Storm by Casting Crowns and Our God Is In Control by Stephen Curtis Chapman while people were writing the notes and taking their balloons. Once again, perfect timing as Our God Is In Control ended as Jonathan and I left the Sanctuary as the last people to leave. We walked outside and together released the balloons. It was so beautiful to watch them float away, mixing together, flying high on the wind. It was a beautiful day to celebrate our baby boy's life and I am so glad that we had the chance to do so. 

Andrea's Sayings Today

Andrea, talking and talking and talking. Jonathan says "Why do you talk so much?" She says "Because God gave us a mouth to talk."

See's the preview for the movie Brave on TV. "I like that girl with the orange hair, that's the movie Brave with the hippopotamus." 

Andrea: "Where's JaJa?"

Me: "at his school"

Andrea: "AAAGAIN?"

Andrea: "sometimes I call my Grandpa Shoemaker, Grandpa Shoe Bybee"

Me: "That's not his name, why do you call him that?"

Andrea: "It's ok if it's not his name, that's what I'm calling him"

I Am Blessed...Thankful Thursday #5

I am blessed. I have seen countless posts recently on my Facebook feed of people saying they are blessed because good things have happened or because God answered their prayers in the way that they wanted. I however almost never see people saying they are blessed when things don't go the way they wanted. I also hardly ever see people saying God answered their prayers when God says "no" or "wait". But aren't we still blessed and doesn't God still answer our prayers? We prayed that Grant would be healed and we would get to keep him here with us, but that didn't happen. That doesn't mean God didn't answer, it just means He didn't answer the way we wanted. God heard our cries, he still loves us, and he does have a plan for us.

God didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted but he still answered. He is still working in our lives. I see him all around me and I feel him closer than ever before. I am blessed. I am blessed to have gotten pregnant with Grant at all. It took 3 years to know what life growing inside me felt like. I am blessed to have those 21 weeks with him. I am blessed to have gotten to hold and love on him. I am blessed to be the mommy to foster children. I am blessed.

Things No Parent Wants to Do

Jonathan's birthday is approaching and mine will follow. We were talking about what we want for our birthday the other day. We both want the same thing but don't really want it either. We want to order Grant's headstone. I also want an urn for his ashes. We decided to have Grant cremated. We spread some of his ashes at a beautiful beach and we have some so that we can always have him with us. We are choosing to place a headstone at my grandfather's grave. I want a permanent place for him, a place we can go to. This may not make sense to others, but I don't really care, it is what we want for Grant. We are looking at grave markers. We know what we want, just don't know how to go about to get it done. I've also been looking at urns online. I haven't found one that is just right yet and I want it to be perfect too. No parent wants to pick out these things for their child, and they definitely don't want to say it is what they want for their birthday. However, we want to do this because it is for our son, our beautiful little boy and we want to honor him.