Last week I met a good friend to chat and enjoy some frozen yogurt. I love anything "ice cream" and that love is even more while I'm pregnant. This friend understands me so so well. She too lost a son just last year. She even just had another baby this past spring, almost exactly 1 year after she lost her son. We don't get to hang out often enough because life is busy but when we do it is so amazing. I love spending time with her and sharing life together. We hung out and chatted for a few hours and it was nice to be able to openly talk about the fear that comes along with being pregnant after a loss. This pregnancy has gone so well. Amelia is healthy and so am I but I am still scared that something could go wrong. I told myself at the beginning of this pregnancy that I would thank God for everyday that I get with this baby and that is exactly what I do. I am not guaranteed tomorrow and I am determined to be thankful for today. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how badly something hurts, I am so so thankful for this time with her. Feeling her squirm and wiggle is the greatest reminder that there is life growing inside of me and that I am blessed.
I think that we've handled the stress/anxiety of pregnancy after loss pretty well. I have my moments where I begin to freak out that something is wrong with her if she doesn't move as much as I think she should but I am able to calm myself down by talking with God and sometimes calling my OB. Can I just say that my OB is the best doctor any woman could ever ask for? She is AMAZING! I seriously love her. She has been so understanding this whole pregnancy and has offered to do more monitoring anytime I am nervous. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist has done more ultrasounds than normal because he knows that it will make me feel better to know that she is ok. Our team of doctors is wonderful and I am so thankful to have such caring people on our side.
I am so looking forward to the day that I will hear this little girl cry for the first time and see her sweet face. I am also a little scared. I don't know what to expect with my emotions. I know the day will be bitter-sweet. I know that the future will be bitter-sweet at times also. I miss Grant all the time and wish he was here but if he was here this little girl wouldn't be. It is such a conflicting feeling.