I'm going to be honest. A pregnancy after loss is filled with fear. I'm a pediatrician so I knew a great deal of things could go wrong before we lost Grant. However, I was still innocent in my own pregnancy brain. Now, I'm not! I'm scared. Not all the time but often. Amelia looked perfectly healthy on ultrasound so we know that she has two functioning kidneys, a nice sized bladder and plenty of amniotic fluid. She doesn't have what Grant did and for that we are thankful. However, that doesn't mean that I'm 100% guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl in August. Since we lost Grant last spring I have become friends with many women who have lost babies that were part of a seemingly perfectly healthy pregnancy. I know that there are no guarantees in this life and that I should trust God, and I do trust Him, but I am still scared for my baby. I am sometimes haunted by nightmares of losing her. They are all different so far, but all seem just as real and all cause me not to be able to go back to sleep because of the fear. I lay in bed reciting scripture which helps calm me down but doesn't bring sleep. I am so thankful for my friends who have experienced healthy pregnancy after loss and those that are walking the road with me right now. The prayers and support they offer is such a relief. They truly get it. We go back to the doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to hear the amazing sound of her heart beating loud and clear.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7