Dealing with infertility is truly a journey. It's a journey that we pray will end with a baby, but I also think it is a journey to bring us closer to God and closer to each other. Unfortunately so many couples end up further apart because of infertility. I have found that this journey of ours is bringing us closer to God, causing us to be on our knees in prayer more, and strengthening our marriage. Our marriage hasn't been without it's trials in the past 5 years, but that's part of marriage. We've managed to grow stronger through medical school, illness, residency, severe family illness, and now infertility. I don't know why God chose us to have this problem. I don't know why he chooses anything to happen. I do know we live in a fallen and sinful world and God promises to never leave or forsake us. I cling tight to his promises on the hard days. Not all days on the infertility journey are hard ones though. We have had so many good days too. I often times find myself thanking God for this. If we hadn't of had infertility we wouldn't have been foster parents now and wouldn't have known the children that we have or the families that we now call friends. However, I can't say that I always feel thankful for this. I try to remind myself that God's plan is bigger than mine, but sometimes that is hard to do.
Every families journey with infertility is different. Here is what our journey has looked like so far. We decided in the fall of 2008 that we were ready to stop preventing having a baby. We didn't expect to get pregnant right away but month's went by and soon we were approaching the 1 year mark to when we stopped birth control. I knew that something wasn't right before this 1 year mark, but I never really wanted to admit it. I was hoping it was just the stress of intern year and when my schedule slowed down things would get better, but that wasn't the case. We got our referral to a RE: reproductive endocrinologist (i.e.: infertility specialist) in the fall of 2009 and saw him for the first time in Jan of 2010. Let the fun begin :) We found out that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) at that appointment. Our RE said that with some medication I should be able to ovulate and conceive so we started the medication called Clomid. We started out at the standard starting dose of 50mg per day for 5 days each month. This didn't work so we increased it 2 weeks later to 100, then 2 weeks later to 150, and so on until we got to 250mg, the max dose. This medication made me feel horrible. Hot flashes, dizziness, headaches, moodiness, but I stuck it out because we wanted a baby. The 250mg seemed to be the magic number and I finally ovulated. We waited the 2 weeks and were heart broken when we weren't pregnant. However, we pressed on. Tried the 250 again, and again, it worked, however again, 2 weeks later we were heart broken. After the third time we took the 250mg it stopped working. My RE added metformin, a medication for diabetics that helps with PCOS because it helps with hormone sensitivity. This added to our 250mg helped me to ovulate again and again but without becoming pregnant. By this time it's fall of 2010 and I'm tired. I'm tired of the doctors visits, ultrasounds every few weeks, tired of felling terrible and being moody. Jonathan and I thought it best to take a break for a little while. We discussed our decision with our RE, who also thought that a break may be good for us. This is also soon after we decided to do foster care. We had started the foster care journey in August of 2010 and stopped taking fertility medications in October of 2010. This allowed us to put our full focus on becoming licensed, albeit some of mine was still on residency :) We decided to wait to restart our medications until summer of 2011, so about a 9 month break. During this 9 months I actually ovulated on my own a few times but we still couldn't conceive. I went back to my RE in June of 2011 and we restarted my clomid. This time I only had to get up to 200mg for it to be effective, but the side effects were the same and still no baby. My RE decided that I needed to have a histerosalpingogram (where they look at your uterus and fallopian tubes with dye) to see if there were any anatomic reasons we weren't conceiving. I had this test in August and we found out that my right side seems to be occluded. That doesn't fully explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant since most of the time my left side is where I ovulated. We tried another month of the 200mg and ovulated but didn't get pregnant so we tried it again this past month. However, this time, once again, it didn't work and I didn't ovulate. My RE decided it was time to check my thyroid again because thyroid problems can make infertility worse, and we found out that I have hypothyroidism. This has led me to start taking medication for my thyroid, which hopefully is helping, and my RE also started another medication on top of the clomid to get me to ovulate. I go back in about a week for another ultrasound to see if these new medications have done there job. We continue to pray for God's direction in this journey and we would appreciate prayers from you as well.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Life in Full Swing
Life is busy here at our house. Busy and full of the people that we love the most. What more could I ask for? I am so thankful that we have had the blessing of D and A for 6 whole months now. We recently had a permanency planning meeting for them again. Basically to update everyone on how things were going for their parents and how the kids were doing in our home. When I was in college I really thought that everyone could change, regardless of their past. I still think that it's possible, since all things are possible with God, but I don't always think it's probable. I'm so proud of D and A's mom for doing her service plan and working hard to change her life so that she can be reunited with her family. However, their dads, are a different story. I want to get in their face and yell "what is your problem"? "Do you not see how wonderful your children are?" "Do you not see that your actions are hurting them?" But I don't do that, I sit back and watch and listen and feel sadness for these children that I love so much. However our CPS caseworker and mediator at the meeting basically said those things to them. I'm so glad to have people advocating for our children. Jonathan and I do our best to be our children's number 1 advocates, but it's nice to have other people in your corner, fighting for what's best for these precious little ones. As of right now they will be with us until spring, allowing their family to have time to right their wrongs and get the help they need to be whole again.
D is doing so amazingly well in school! Her school teaches a new character trait each 6 weeks and at the end of the 6 weeks they award a few students from each class for displaying that trait. She was picked this month and her assembly was yesterday. We were so proud to stand there with the other parents and clap for her success. She is blossoming into a beautiful, thoughtful, kind, responsible, loving girl and we couldn't be more proud of her. Soccer season is almost over for her, she's really sad about that. She has loved playing this fall and will play again in the spring. Soon she will be starting ballet lessons. We have told her that she can try anything she likes, however she can only do one activity at a time and she has to always have her school work done first. She's excited to try something new and she loves to dance.
A is also doing wonderfully. When he came to live with us he only spoke about 3 words. He understood both English and Spanish when he came here but didn't speak in either language. We have been working with him to improve his ability to communicate and he is now speaking in short sentences! His family still speaks to him in Spanish when he is at his grandmother's house and during his visits and we speak to him mostly in English. ECI has been a wonderful resource for helping us teach him. He has finally started to love going to daycare, or school as we call it. Everyone always comments on how sweet and smiley he always is and it's true. He almost always has a huge smile on his face, runs to give hugs, and laughs at everything. He is truly a joy to be around.
This was our first Halloween with children and it was so much fun! D went as Jasmine and A went as a monkey. I wish I could post a picture in their costumes, they were adorable. We went to a few fall festivals, one in Dallas over the weekend, and one here in town on Monday. The kids had a blast, got lots of candy, and loved every minute of it. We also carved pumpkins for the first time with kids and they loved pulling out the pumpkin "guts". We roasted pumpkin seeds for a yummy snack which they thought was really cool.
We've taught them about the great game of baseball this fall while watching the play-offs and World Series. A loves to watch sports and would yell "strike" during the games. He also would yell "baseball" and pretend to pitch every time he saw it come on TV. Hopefully we can take them to a game in the spring, I think they would have a blast.
Holiday planning is in full swing here. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house for the first time this year and I'm excited to have all of my family in my home. We have lots of big plans for fun things to do the week before Christmas while the kids are out of school and lots of family time planned. I can't wait to see their faces on Christmas morning. I also can't wait to show them our family traditions and start a few new ones now that we have children around. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I am so excited to get to share it with little ones.
~until~
D is doing so amazingly well in school! Her school teaches a new character trait each 6 weeks and at the end of the 6 weeks they award a few students from each class for displaying that trait. She was picked this month and her assembly was yesterday. We were so proud to stand there with the other parents and clap for her success. She is blossoming into a beautiful, thoughtful, kind, responsible, loving girl and we couldn't be more proud of her. Soccer season is almost over for her, she's really sad about that. She has loved playing this fall and will play again in the spring. Soon she will be starting ballet lessons. We have told her that she can try anything she likes, however she can only do one activity at a time and she has to always have her school work done first. She's excited to try something new and she loves to dance.
A is also doing wonderfully. When he came to live with us he only spoke about 3 words. He understood both English and Spanish when he came here but didn't speak in either language. We have been working with him to improve his ability to communicate and he is now speaking in short sentences! His family still speaks to him in Spanish when he is at his grandmother's house and during his visits and we speak to him mostly in English. ECI has been a wonderful resource for helping us teach him. He has finally started to love going to daycare, or school as we call it. Everyone always comments on how sweet and smiley he always is and it's true. He almost always has a huge smile on his face, runs to give hugs, and laughs at everything. He is truly a joy to be around.
This was our first Halloween with children and it was so much fun! D went as Jasmine and A went as a monkey. I wish I could post a picture in their costumes, they were adorable. We went to a few fall festivals, one in Dallas over the weekend, and one here in town on Monday. The kids had a blast, got lots of candy, and loved every minute of it. We also carved pumpkins for the first time with kids and they loved pulling out the pumpkin "guts". We roasted pumpkin seeds for a yummy snack which they thought was really cool.
We've taught them about the great game of baseball this fall while watching the play-offs and World Series. A loves to watch sports and would yell "strike" during the games. He also would yell "baseball" and pretend to pitch every time he saw it come on TV. Hopefully we can take them to a game in the spring, I think they would have a blast.
Holiday planning is in full swing here. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house for the first time this year and I'm excited to have all of my family in my home. We have lots of big plans for fun things to do the week before Christmas while the kids are out of school and lots of family time planned. I can't wait to see their faces on Christmas morning. I also can't wait to show them our family traditions and start a few new ones now that we have children around. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I am so excited to get to share it with little ones.
~until~
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
5 months
On Thursday, September 28, D and A will have been with us for 5 months. 5 months feels like years to me. I feel like they have lived with us and we have been a family forever. As the days go by we seem to continue to draw closer as a family. I absolutely love spending time with Jonathan, D and A. They make my heart happy and I'm going to brag on them for a bit :)
D is a wonderful, free loving, hugging, talkative, happy, giggly, girly, soccer playing, beautiful little girl. She is amazing. I love her spirit. She loves everyone with such intensity. She is doing really well in school and making good friends. She is playing soccer and is really good, especially for someone who has never played before. She loves to go to church and learn about Jesus. She loves all things pink, purple and sparkly.
A is a happy-go-lucky, laughing, run at you full force, embracing, belly laughing, ball throwing, wrestling, handsome little boy. He is awesome. I love how he runs to us smiling when we pick him up from school. How he grasps my hand so tightly, almost like he's saying "please don't let go". He's actually really liking school now after a few hard transition weeks. He runs in each morning and gives his teacher a hug and doesn't look back. I love that he is secure enough to do that now. His speech and language is improving every day. He loves to play with friends and play in the dirt. He loves gorillas.
D and A are the best of friends and I love that they love each other so much. I pray that they will continue to grow up with their love for Jesus, sweet spirits, good attitudes, smiles, and loving hearts. They truly have been a blessing beyond measure to us and I thank God daily for letting us be involved in their lives, even if it is only for a while. I pray that their parents are able to make good decisions and do what is right so that they can enjoy the miracle of these two children.
~until~
D is a wonderful, free loving, hugging, talkative, happy, giggly, girly, soccer playing, beautiful little girl. She is amazing. I love her spirit. She loves everyone with such intensity. She is doing really well in school and making good friends. She is playing soccer and is really good, especially for someone who has never played before. She loves to go to church and learn about Jesus. She loves all things pink, purple and sparkly.
A is a happy-go-lucky, laughing, run at you full force, embracing, belly laughing, ball throwing, wrestling, handsome little boy. He is awesome. I love how he runs to us smiling when we pick him up from school. How he grasps my hand so tightly, almost like he's saying "please don't let go". He's actually really liking school now after a few hard transition weeks. He runs in each morning and gives his teacher a hug and doesn't look back. I love that he is secure enough to do that now. His speech and language is improving every day. He loves to play with friends and play in the dirt. He loves gorillas.
D and A are the best of friends and I love that they love each other so much. I pray that they will continue to grow up with their love for Jesus, sweet spirits, good attitudes, smiles, and loving hearts. They truly have been a blessing beyond measure to us and I thank God daily for letting us be involved in their lives, even if it is only for a while. I pray that their parents are able to make good decisions and do what is right so that they can enjoy the miracle of these two children.
~until~
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What I Wish "They" Knew
Being a foster parent is one of the greatest things I have ever done. I love loving these kids and watching them grow. I love being able to support them while their parents do what needs to be done so that their family can be restored. We have received the greatest blessings from the kids that have lived with us and I wouldn't trade that for anything. However, it is also the hardest thing I have ever done. No matter how hard we try to protect ourselves we inevitably fall head over heels in love with the kids placed in our home. We want what is best for the kids and sometimes the system doesn't always allow that to happen. It hurts us to see the kids hurt when the parents don't do what they are supposed to and it affects the kids badly. It's also hard to have the parents look at you with disdain and distrust.
Here is what I wish they knew....
I am not the one who chose to take the children from your home. I'm not trying to replace you as the parents and I'm not trying to turn your children against you. I am the person who has chosen to love your children as if they were my own until you can get things straightened out and be reunited with your children even though I know that it means heartache for us. I am praying for you daily to do what needs to be done so that your family can be whole again. I can't imagine having my child taken from my home and living with a complete stranger and so I won't pretend to even know how it feels. I would think that it would be completely devastating though. I will continue to pray for you after you've been reunited, that you continue to be the best parent you can be and that the children that I now love also are being kept safe, loved, and cherished. I know that you love your children and I'm not trying to take that from you. I'm not trying to teach them to not love you or to love me more. I will however vow to love them wholeheartedly, cherish them for the children of God that they are, teach, encourage, and support them.
~until~
Here is what I wish they knew....
I am not the one who chose to take the children from your home. I'm not trying to replace you as the parents and I'm not trying to turn your children against you. I am the person who has chosen to love your children as if they were my own until you can get things straightened out and be reunited with your children even though I know that it means heartache for us. I am praying for you daily to do what needs to be done so that your family can be whole again. I can't imagine having my child taken from my home and living with a complete stranger and so I won't pretend to even know how it feels. I would think that it would be completely devastating though. I will continue to pray for you after you've been reunited, that you continue to be the best parent you can be and that the children that I now love also are being kept safe, loved, and cherished. I know that you love your children and I'm not trying to take that from you. I'm not trying to teach them to not love you or to love me more. I will however vow to love them wholeheartedly, cherish them for the children of God that they are, teach, encourage, and support them.
~until~
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Making a house a home...
We moved into our current house at the end of June. We upsized our house and yard compared to where we lived in residency. Our old house was so cramped with Jonathan and I, D, A and Cubby that we really needed more space. Our new house has another bedroom and sits on half an acre, it's so nice to not be on top of each other all the time. Since we moved in we've been working to make it feel like home and get things the way we want them. We've bought rugs, and office furniture and a few decorative things but hadn't hung pictures on the wall yet. My parents came to stay with us in the middle of the week so my dad could go hunting near here. I took the opportunity of 4 days with my mom to hang out and also have her help me make the house the way I wanted it. My mom is a wonderful decorator and has great ideas. We spent Saturday hanging pictures on the walls and today modifying some curtains we already had and hanging curtains in the kids rooms and the office. The house looks great now and I'm so happy.
I so enjoyed having my parents here for a few days and getting to spend girl time with my mom. It was also nice to enjoy some of my moms cooking.
The kids are spending time with their grandma this weekend and I can't wait to see them tomorrow. D is doing well in school and making friends. Soccer starts this week for her and we all are so excited. A is doing better at school and he didn't even cry on Friday when I dropped him off. He is talking so much more and I love seeing him grow!
Our new house is just the way it should be. Full of things that make it feel like home but more importantly full of the people I love the most and the sound of little ones. We are so incredibly blessed!
~until~
I so enjoyed having my parents here for a few days and getting to spend girl time with my mom. It was also nice to enjoy some of my moms cooking.
The kids are spending time with their grandma this weekend and I can't wait to see them tomorrow. D is doing well in school and making friends. Soccer starts this week for her and we all are so excited. A is doing better at school and he didn't even cry on Friday when I dropped him off. He is talking so much more and I love seeing him grow!
Our new house is just the way it should be. Full of things that make it feel like home but more importantly full of the people I love the most and the sound of little ones. We are so incredibly blessed!
~until~
Sunday, August 28, 2011
A Busy Weekend
The first week of school is behind us. D loves her teacher and already has a few friends. A hates going and cries almost as soon as we open the door to get him out of the car but then does great the rest of the day. Jonathan has finished his first week back to college. I don't think he realized how much homework he was going to have and how much independent learning he would have to do. He is enjoying it though and I'm so proud of him.
This weekend we headed to Dallas for my twin nieces 5th birthday party. We stayed with my sister and brother in law and had fun visiting and hanging out. Ate lunch with some good friends we hadn't seen in a while and enjoyed a birthday party with the family. D and A had a blast. We had promised D a surprise for today and we took her bowling and to play arcade games. She loved it and was super excited to go "bowling ball" for the first time. We are headed on our way home now. Jonathan has homework to do and I need to study for my board exam.
I'm glad to know that my friends on the east coast are surviving the hurricane.
Keep praying for those being affected by this storm.
~until~
This weekend we headed to Dallas for my twin nieces 5th birthday party. We stayed with my sister and brother in law and had fun visiting and hanging out. Ate lunch with some good friends we hadn't seen in a while and enjoyed a birthday party with the family. D and A had a blast. We had promised D a surprise for today and we took her bowling and to play arcade games. She loved it and was super excited to go "bowling ball" for the first time. We are headed on our way home now. Jonathan has homework to do and I need to study for my board exam.
I'm glad to know that my friends on the east coast are surviving the hurricane.
Keep praying for those being affected by this storm.
~until~
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Back to School
Tomorrow is August 22nd. The first day of school for D! Jonathan also starts back to college tomorrow and I am so proud of him. A started daycare last week so he could start getting used to it before the chaos of tomorrow hits. I also am taking our friends little girl Andrea to daycare tomorrow for her first day. Jonathan has been keeping her for the past 18 months during the day and now that he is going to college it is time for her to go to daycare. I never knew what it would feel like to have my kids go to school on the first day, now I do and I LOVE IT! It is so exciting helping them pick out school supplies, lunch boxes, school clothes. Helping pack backpacks for the first day, making a school lunch for D, picking out clothes for school and planning a first day of school breakfast! I think I'm more excited about this than she is. The other great thing about starting school is having our set routine back.
D and A have been visiting with their grandma every weekend for the past 4-5 weeks. They went there this weekend too but we decided that it would be best to pick them up Saturday instead of Sunday so that we could make sure they were in bed on time today and were well rested for tomorrow. Usually when we pick them up they are exhausted and hyped up on caffeine and sugar. Yesterday was no different and they were asleep in the car on the way home at 8:30. Jonathan had to wake up A this morning at 8:45 and D didn't get up till 8:30 so we know they were exhausted.
I can't wait for D's soccer season to start soon. Her first game is in a few weeks and hopefully we will find out what team she is on and when practice is sometime this week. Jonathan may be coaching her team, we are waiting to find out if they need extra coaches. D is super excited about playing soccer and I hope she loves it.
On a different note... we are still working on infertility stuff. I'm not gonna go into details but we are slowly getting back into seeing our specialist and trying to have a baby. This time around I feel more at peace about everything than I have in the past. Jonathan pointed out something to me the other day that I hadn't really thought about and that is that if we would have had a baby a year ago we wouldn't have been foster parents now and wouldn't have known S, K, C, C, C, B, D or A. We wouldn't have been blessed with these children and wouldn't know the joy that they have brought us. God knows what He is doing and in His time we will have a baby.
~until~
D and A have been visiting with their grandma every weekend for the past 4-5 weeks. They went there this weekend too but we decided that it would be best to pick them up Saturday instead of Sunday so that we could make sure they were in bed on time today and were well rested for tomorrow. Usually when we pick them up they are exhausted and hyped up on caffeine and sugar. Yesterday was no different and they were asleep in the car on the way home at 8:30. Jonathan had to wake up A this morning at 8:45 and D didn't get up till 8:30 so we know they were exhausted.
I can't wait for D's soccer season to start soon. Her first game is in a few weeks and hopefully we will find out what team she is on and when practice is sometime this week. Jonathan may be coaching her team, we are waiting to find out if they need extra coaches. D is super excited about playing soccer and I hope she loves it.
On a different note... we are still working on infertility stuff. I'm not gonna go into details but we are slowly getting back into seeing our specialist and trying to have a baby. This time around I feel more at peace about everything than I have in the past. Jonathan pointed out something to me the other day that I hadn't really thought about and that is that if we would have had a baby a year ago we wouldn't have been foster parents now and wouldn't have known S, K, C, C, C, B, D or A. We wouldn't have been blessed with these children and wouldn't know the joy that they have brought us. God knows what He is doing and in His time we will have a baby.
~until~
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