Sobering Perspective

Sobering perspective is what my job has given me lately. I'm a pediatric resident and I'm used to taking care of really sick little kids. This week I learned that maybe we are a little too used to it. Usually kids come in with a variety of illnesses, we do what we have been trained to do, and they get better and go home, happy and healthy once again. However, we have had multiple small children pass away in the past few weeks from freak illnesses that ran rampant through their little bodies and nothing we could do would stop it. It's sobering to know that a previously perfectly healthy kid could show up to the hospital and have passed away not even 12 hours later. It just goes to show that God is in charge and we just happen to be his workers. This also makes you have a different perspective on life. Life can change in the blink of an eye, so what am I doing to make my life count? What am I doing to show that there is a God and that His plan is so much better than my own? Makes you think, huh?

My friends at work think I'm crazy. Maybe I am a little crazy. I work on average 80 hours per week. Jonathan and I are foster parents. I have a dream to start an organization to help teen moms. I'm about to embark on my first "real" job in a few short months. We are still going through infertility treatments. I've been thinking of adopting a child with special needs from another country. Maybe all of this makes me crazy. I'm ok with being a little crazy. I believe I'm just doing what God wants me to do. Once again, it kind of turns back to perspective. I believe that the reason I am on this earth is to help people. I have been given talents and gifts that not a lot of other people have in the grand scheme of things. I have been put in a position of authority and prestige simply because of my occupation and I believe that I should use it to help impact the world. One of my friends says that I fly by the seat of my pants. It's sort of true. I've learned to just go with things, do what I think needs to be done, and figure some things out as I go. I'm glad that my friend appreciates me for who I am. These last few weeks have really made me appreciate my friends, husband, and family. You never know when something can change. 

We still don't have any foster children. It's been almost 3 weeks and I miss having little ones around. I know God has the perfect kids out there waiting for us and for the right time for them to come into our lives. Until then I will enjoy the time I get to spend alone with Jonathan. 

~until~

No Children = Calm and Quiet

Baby B went to her family on Tuesday like we expected. I'm glad that she is with her family and getting to see her big sister more but I'm sad she is gone. I miss her cute smile and laugh. She used to get so excited to see me when I got home from work. Now that Baby B is gone we can say yes to our agency again about new kids. We will be able to take kids Tuesday of next week.

On a different topic, I have only 90 days of residency remaining. I won't even be working for all of those 90 days. I am planning on taking a 2 week vacation just before I graduate so I can relax before I start my job on July 5th. It's so weird to think that my official training is coming to an end. I have been in post-high school training for 11 years now (wow, that's insane) and it's odd to know that in a few months I will be "on my own" as a doctor. I can't wait to start my job as a Pediatric Hospitalist here at Scott & White, but I'm also nervous about my change in roles and how I'm going to handle being a "boss" to my friends. I will also be responsible for teaching the residents and medical students which will be interesting since I feel like I still have so much to learn.

This month I am on what we as doctors refer to as "the wards". This means I'm working only in the hospital taking care of general pediatric patients that are there. It's actually what I will be doing for the rest of my life as a hospitalist. I love this rotation and it feels like "home" to me. The odd part is that I will not have a 2nd year resident to assist me this month like we normally do and I will only have 2 interns instead of 3. This is going to make for a very hectic and stressful month for all residents involved. I'm going into it with the mentality that it is testing me for my career that starts in 3 short months.

Time for bed. I have to be at work super early tomorrow.

~until~

Saying No ... actually means not right now

We have been saying "No" a lot lately. Our foster care agency has called us almost every other day in the last 2 weeks trying to place other children with us. We still have Baby B and likely will until at least Tuesday when she has court. Every time they have called about other children we have had to say no. It breaks our hearts to turn down children in need of a home. We have plenty of love to give but one thing we've  learned in this journey is that we can't do it all. We are licensed for up to 4 children and we have beds to fit 4 children. However, we don't have vehicles that can hold that many car seats. Jonathan is also a "nanny" for a 2 year old who is at our house all the time. This means if they placed 4 kids with us we would really have 5. The majority of the children they called about this week were under the age of 3 and were sibling groups of 2. We have room in our home and in our hearts for them but going anywhere, including doctors and family visits, would be impossible if Jonathan had to do it alone. Since my job isn't very flexible with time off and taking off to go to appointments this means we had to say no. We have told our agency that we will be willing to take 1 more child that sits in a car seat and can take 2 if one of them is old enough to ride in the front seat, at least until B goes back to her family.

Baby B's situation is the one time in all of the children we have had where I feel like the system is actually working the way it is supposed to. She has a grandmother who is trying to be approved to have Baby B come live with her. Baby B's big sister already lives there so I know she will be taken care of and loved. With S&K things seemed to work until they were sent with a family member who didn't have a home study and showed up the day of court saying she would take them. From what was said in court on her job and where she lived I'm not sure how they could approve her in less than 2 hours for 3 extra children to go live at her house. Then came the 3C's. Their situation is the one that still infuriates me. We had actually been told by CPS and our Ad-litem that they were going to push to terminate parents rights. Then the initial court date arrived and after 4 hours of talking about it the judge decided to send them back with their parents so that they could move to another state for dad's job. I don't understand why the judge would send them back to their parents when their parents hadn't been taking care of them and the children had been removed multiple times previously. They say that CPS will be following them in their new state but we all know that things fall through the cracks and that the CPS workers are way over worked. This family actually has CPS cases open in multiple states and instead of the judge saying that they should find a foster placement where they were going and move foster care to foster care they were returned to their parents. It doesn't make sense to us. We pray every day that they are being fed, know they are loved, and are being kept safe. I know that God is bigger than all of this and that he has a plan for us and for those beautiful children. However, I still often times find myself thinking of them and missing their sweet faces.

The foster care journey so far has been fun, sad, tiring, exciting, and rewarding, sometimes all at the same time. I'm so glad that God has put us on this path and that He knows exactly where the path leads. We will continue walking and following Him wherever that may be. I will miss Baby B and her laugh when she leaves but I know that God has other children that he wants to touch our lives with and have us love on, be it for a short time or forever, I'm excited either way. I'm ready to be able to tell our agency "yes" again.

~until~

B is Still Here:)

B's court date was yesterday. Apparently court was so busy they had to reschedule her date to 2 weeks from now. This means we will have her for at least 2 more weeks. Our case worker is coming by this afternoon to check on B. That's all I really know at this point and we are learning to just go with it.

On another note. In about 4 hours I will be off of my shift and will be done with Night Float forever. I still have to work a few more nights in the hospital but not all together and not very many! The end of residency is just around the corner and I'm super excited!

Spring is here and it makes me happy. I'm tired from working 14 hour shifts all the time the past 2 weeks but when I saw bluebonnets on the side of the road today I couldn't help but smile! God is so good.

~until~

Long days and longer nights

I have been on night float recently. In residency we do a couple of months where we do 2 week stretches of nights. These are 14-15 hour shifts In the hospital and they get old really fast. This is also the first time I've been on night float and a mom which makes it even worse. Its hard to sleep well during the day and it's harder when the baby is crying. You also want to spend time with your husband and baby and you cant because you need to sleep. I only have 3 more nights after tonight and then I am done with night float forever!

Our new foster baby B is doing well. She is super cute and fun to be around. She had visitation with her parents on Wednesday and her first court date is next Tuesday. Jonathan and I are pretty sure that she will be going to a family member on Tuesday. Her grandmother came with her mom for visitation so I'm sure she will probably go to grandma.

The hardest part of foster care is trying not to get attached and then letting them go. B is our third placement and out of the other 2 the first one was the easiest to let go even though they were with us the longest. I think it's because we knew that they were going to be safe and well taken care of with the person they were going to. The 3 Cs on the other hand went back to their parents less than 2 weeks after being removed and were moving to another state. I still worry that they have been lost in the system because of the transfer and no one is watching to make sure they are ok. I pray daily that they are being kept safe and being taken care of. If B is going to a family member I think that she will be well cared for and loved. When you decide to be a foster parent you know the children are going to be taken away from your home on most occasions and that the goal is always supposed to be reunification. However, as a pediatrician and someone who takes care of abused children regularly, it's hard to think that the goal of reunification is a good one. It's also hard to think that as a foster parent when you hear about the horrible situation these kids were removed from and they are returned so quickly to the same situation.

Well, it's back to work I must go. The childrens hospital has had no open beds for days now. Tonight we have a few open beds but I keep admitting kiddos so that won't be the case by morning.

~until~

Family #3......

Wow, It hasn't been very long since I updated but a ton of things have changed. The 3C's went back with their family last Wednesday after court. We don't really understand why or how they could be sent back so quickly when we know the situation they came from, but our job is to love them and care for them while they are here and to pray for them daily when they leave. Please continue to pray that the 3 C's will be kept safe and will be taken care of. Thursday afternoon our agency called about a 7 month old little girl B. She came to our house Thursday evening and it has been so much fun. It's so fun to see the difference in each child that comes into our home. She is adorable and so sweet. We went to my parents this weekend. It was nice to get to spend time with my mom. Jonathan and my dad went to the gun range while my mom and I took B shopping. Goodwill has some really good deals on baby stuff :) Some of my friends from work who have little girls (which is almost all of them) have given us some stuff and let us borrow other stuff.

Well, I'm working nights so off to work I go.

~until!~

Old and New....

Wow, it has been a really long time since I wrote and things have changed a great deal around here. The last time I wrote we had had S&K for 2 weeks. They had their next court date on Feb 16 and went to live with an aunt that same day. I pray that they are happy and doing well. I'm happy that they are able to be with their brother and with family but not happy about how things "went down". I pray that they are well taken care of and happy. The day they went home we talked with our agency about when we wanted to be placed back on the available list. We had decided that the following Monday sounded good to us. This would allow us time to clean house, wash all of the bedding and prepare for the next new children to arrive.

This all changed on Friday night. The agency called late Friday night asking if we would take 3 siblings. We originally told them we would rather only take 2 children because of car space when only one of us is home. However, they called us back about 30 minutes later and were unable to find a family that could keep all 3 and we decided to take all 3. They came to our house about 12:30 that night and it has been an adventure. This case with what I will call the 3C's is so different from the last one. These children are much younger (6y, 4y, and 11mos) and they have been in foster care in the past. They came to us without many belongings so we have been slowly getting clothing and other things for them. We have had them just over a week and everyone seems to be adjusting well. We will be having these children for a while according to the case worker but we all know that that could change. Our first court date is in 2 days and hopefully we will find out a little more then. This case we also have the document that says why they were removed from their family. It's not something I can disclose on here but it does help us understand where they came from a little better.

It's really weird but we have fallen in love with these children faster than the ones from before. I don't know if it's because they are younger and therefore more dependent on us or if it's just different personalities but we have come to accept that it's ok to love different children differently and that with some children it will take longer.

I'm excited because while we have them the youngest will be having his 1st birthday and we get to have a party with our families to celebrate. It will be fun to plan and share his joy with our families. We are traveling this weekend to see my parents which will also be fun. I'm not looking forward to the next 2 weeks as I am going to be working nights and not going to get to spend much time with the kids or Jonathan.

Dinner is ready, gotta run.

~until~