I'm going to be honest in this post. It's about being sad while being happy, something that may make absolutely no sense to some but others will completely understand what I'm saying. I'm not trying to whine, just be honest so that people understand what it's like to have things turn out not how you planned and what it's like to have a baby after a loss.
I am 100% totally in love with Amelia. I am thrilled that she is here and healthy. She is beautiful and perfect and amazing and I can't believe she is mine. I am sad that Grant isn't here with her. Sometimes when I go to nurse her in the middle of the night I get tears in my eyes as a thought enters my mind that it is something I never got with him. I look at her sweet little face where her nose is exactly like his and remember how amazing he was and wish he were here too.
I had a c-section. Not something I planned or wanted. It was necessary to get her here safely and I am thankful for the ability of my OB and hospital to detect problems and intervene before they become serious. I am thankful that she is here safely. I'm sad that I had to have a c-section. I had wanted a 100% natural, un-medicated birth. Not because I thought that women who chose otherwise are "less" of a mom, but because it was what I thought was best for me and her. However, I ended up getting an epidural because I wasn't progressing despite time and effort and I needed rest. I don't regret that decision for a minute. I'm sad that I didn't get to have the birth that I wanted for us. I wanted to have my crying, screaming, alive baby handed straight to me after she was born and placed on my chest so I could hold her close. Instead my OB pulled her from my womb and I got a short glance at her before she was taken to a warmer surrounded by strangers who were making sure she was ok. Her daddy got to go stand by her and take some pictures of her beautiful face but I missed all of it. I then got to "hold her" a little while I was still laying on the operating table, kiss her sweet face, look in my husband's eyes and marvel at her. This only lasted a couple of short minutes before I gave her to Jonathan and he was taking her to the other room where it was warmer. They had him carry her to our room where my mom and sister waited. I didn't get to see her meet them for the first time. I got taken back to our room a few minutes later. The nurses were helping get her cleaned up and I had them bathe her. I wanted to but I was shaking so badly from side effects of the epidural and was in so much pain from my c-section that I was afraid of dropping her. I was so groggy from pain medicine that I kept dozing off and don't remember much about them bathing her. I am sad about this. I'm sad that I missed so many of her "firsts". I can't get those back. Then, because of all of the chaos we don't have a family picture of us that day, or any day in the hospital for that matter. I've missed out on so many things with Grant because he isn't here and then I missed out on things with her too. Something I wasn't ready for.
I am so incredibly happy to have her here. I LOVE being her mommy. She is amazing and perfect and everything I imagined her to be plus some.