Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Take 2

So we are on to the second successful cycle of Clomid. Successful being that the dose that I am on worked to help me to develop a follicle. Now we wait. Wait to see if I ovulate, wait to see if I get pregnant. That's the worst part about this all, the waiting. You try so hard not to get your hopes up, so hard to tell yourself that it will be ok if this cycle doesn't work, yet you don't really believe any of it.

It's hard for me to realize that this is only our second cycle. I have been taking Clomid since the beginning of January and I don't really remember how many cycles I have been through. However, the first time that the medicine worked was in late April when I reached the maximum dose. So we have been on the infertility journey involving the doctors for 6 months but the first 4 months still don't count towards the total. I was talking to my fertility specialist the other day, asking questions about what's next, etc. He says that you should give it 4-5 cycles of successful Clomid before going on to do further testing/interventions. He knows that we are not willing to do in-vitro fertilization. I can't make myself pay $20-30,000 per cycle on the chance that I could get pregnant when there are thousands of children in this world who need a Mommy and Daddy, not to mention the stress that it puts on a marriage. Our fertility specialist seems to think that I have a really good chance of getting pregnant just on Clomid, so I will trust him.

Where does God fit in all of this? Well, He fits at the beginning, where He belongs. Jonathan and I truly believe that everything will happen within God's timing. Does this mean that we shouldn't seek medical help? No, God placed doctors in our lives for a reason. Do I often ask God why us? Of course, but I know that He can handle it. He can handle our anger, frustration, questions, and pain. He has endured much more than we have and knows what it is like to hurt. I also know that I go to him daily thanking him for what He has done for us. I have been reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" which was recommended to me by a friend who also struggled with infertility. It's a fabulous book. It's based on Hannah from 1 Samuel. Hannah also longed for a child while those close to her seemed to have no trouble conceiving. This book has helped me to realize that I am not alone in this journey. I always knew that Jonathan was part of the journey too, but it still seemed so lonely here. This book really helped me to not feel like a failure and helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I know that everything will work out when it is supposed to, however the human part of me still worries about it.

I have another post coming soon, not at all pertaining to infertility.


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