9 months!!! 3/4 of the way to 1 year. I know I have said it before, but I really, really need time to slow down. She is getting so big.
Weight:17.16lbs (33%)
Height: 26 inches (6%)
Head:43.3cm (34%)
LOVES: pulling to stand and cruising, eating food, being tickled, sucking on
her two middle fingers on her right hand (think I Love You sign), baths and swimming
HATES: being still, naps
SLEEPING: 11-12 hrs each night, 2 naps usually 1-2 hrs each
EATING: 3 meals a day, 4 oz of breast milk or nurses 5-6 times a day. Favorite foods- strawberries, french fries and green beans
She now has 6 teeth. She loves to eat, play patty-cake and peek-a-boo. She's really into the dogs now. She's still continues to be a little small for her and we are going back to the doctor in a few weeks for another weight/growth check. Otherwise she is right on target/a little ahead.
Here is her usual monthly picture in her chair with Grant Bear.
2 years have passed since I've held you in my arms. I think of you every day and miss you always. We had a party to celebrate Grant this year and it was so much fun. So many of our friends came and my sister even drove down from Dallas to be here. I decided that we should make tiny hats to donate to local hospitals so that other families would know that their baby is special and loved. We made over 200 hats that day. Our small group at church got us a card and donated money to MEND in Grant's memory. So sweet. I loved being able to celebrate his life with everyone. I had to work on Grant's actual birthday. I was a little bummed about it. However, at work that day someone I work with came up to me and asked to talk to me later. When I was done seeing patients she came down and met me in my office and proceeded to tell me that she lost a baby earlier this year. They received one of the diapers we had donated to our local hospital and she said how much it meant to her. It was amazing hearing about this on Grant's birthday!
Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven baby boy. I can't wait to see you again.
Church this morning was AMAZING. It was all about community. Why we need it and how it should look. I stole our pastors phrase...gospel community. It means making our church look like the community that God has in mind. Rich, poor, educated, uneducated, outgoing, introverted all fellowshiping together, being a community. This means that we rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. We support each other through burdens and hard times. We pray for each other, encourage each other and speak truth to each other. While he was preaching I was thinking about our COM group (small group) that we have recently joined. We have begun making friends in this group and are enjoying getting to know them. However, as he was talking about how we should be more transparent in our COM groups, in order to allow us to really be a gospel community, I was thinking about how most of our group doesn't really know about Grant. One couple already knew Grant's story. I used to work with her and we were friends before we started going to church there. However, only 1 or 2 more girls in the group know about him. It's not because we aren't proud of him. I think it's because we don't want to burden others with the sadness of a baby dying. The look that people give you when you say your baby died is heartbreaking and we aren't always open about it. We need to be though. I was talking with my friend Melinda (who is in our COM group and knows about Grant) after church today about this. I think the next time our group gets together we will share Grant's story. The whole story. These are our friends, fellow believers, those who are supposed to be there to support and love us, they should know about our first born, our son.
I've been thinking about Grant a great deal more lately than normal. I think about him every day but most of the time it's a short thought as I see his picture on our wall or see his nose on Amelia. Sometimes I think more as I rock her and pray before bed or when I see a little boy that would be about his age. As his second birthday is approaching I've thought about him more. I've thought about how I want to celebrate him for his birthday, how I want people to remember him. I'm still working on what I would like to do for his birthday but I'm sure I will figure something out that will honor him and celebrate him. First, I will share his life with our friends.
Last week I met a good friend to chat and enjoy some frozen yogurt. I love anything "ice cream" and that love is even more while I'm pregnant. This friend understands me so so well. She too lost a son just last year. She even just had another baby this past spring, almost exactly 1 year after she lost her son. We don't get to hang out often enough because life is busy but when we do it is so amazing. I love spending time with her and sharing life together. We hung out and chatted for a few hours and it was nice to be able to openly talk about the fear that comes along with being pregnant after a loss. This pregnancy has gone so well. Amelia is healthy and so am I but I am still scared that something could go wrong. I told myself at the beginning of this pregnancy that I would thank God for everyday that I get with this baby and that is exactly what I do. I am not guaranteed tomorrow and I am determined to be thankful for today. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how badly something hurts, I am so so thankful for this time with her. Feeling her squirm and wiggle is the greatest reminder that there is life growing inside of me and that I am blessed.
I think that we've handled the stress/anxiety of pregnancy after loss pretty well. I have my moments where I begin to freak out that something is wrong with her if she doesn't move as much as I think she should but I am able to calm myself down by talking with God and sometimes calling my OB. Can I just say that my OB is the best doctor any woman could ever ask for? She is AMAZING! I seriously love her. She has been so understanding this whole pregnancy and has offered to do more monitoring anytime I am nervous. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist has done more ultrasounds than normal because he knows that it will make me feel better to know that she is ok. Our team of doctors is wonderful and I am so thankful to have such caring people on our side.
I am so looking forward to the day that I will hear this little girl cry for the first time and see her sweet face. I am also a little scared. I don't know what to expect with my emotions. I know the day will be bitter-sweet. I know that the future will be bitter-sweet at times also. I miss Grant all the time and wish he was here but if he was here this little girl wouldn't be. It is such a conflicting feeling.
Today I am 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my second baby, Amelia Kathryn. That is 9 days longer than I had with my firstborn, Grant Oliver. I am treasuring every single minute of this pregnancy because I know that it could be over in the blink of an eye. However, I am also proceeding with caution because of past events. I lay awake at night talking to God. Thanking Him for each day I have with her. Praising him for allowing me to be a mommy again. Praying to Him that he would please please protect this little one and allow us to see her grow up. Thanking Him for the time I had with Grant and the things that my little boy has taught me about life, such as treasuring every moment with his little sister. Some days it takes my breath away that I have passed the time that I had with him and that I now have had her longer. Some days I miss him so incredibly much. Like when I'm lying in bed talking to God and she is kicking away. I miss his little kicks, but love feeling hers at the same time. It's such a mixed bag of emotions, pregnancy after a loss. Most days are joyful with anticipation of meeting this little girl who I have a feeling will be long just like her brother. Some moments (not days) are sad when I think of what I missed with him or how I wish I could have experienced this milestone with him.
I'm now pregnant enough that people can definitely tell and are asking me when I am due and if this is my first baby. That question is always so hard for me. If they are a stranger passing me in Target then the answer is usually yes, that she is my first. If I say that she isn't my first then the questions follow as to how old my other children are and how am I supposed to explain that to perfect strangers. However, if I will have the chance of interacting with these people again, the answer is no and I tell them about Grant. Oftentimes this is followed by looks of pity as well as a look on their face of "I should have kept my mouth shut". Oh well, he's my son and I will tell you about him if we are going to be just acquaintances.
Here are some pictures from our recent vacation to Colorado. We went to Pikes Peak one day. Wow, it was cold and so beautiful!
I'm going to be honest. A pregnancy after loss is filled with fear. I'm a pediatrician so I knew a great deal of things could go wrong before we lost Grant. However, I was still innocent in my own pregnancy brain. Now, I'm not! I'm scared. Not all the time but often. Amelia looked perfectly healthy on ultrasound so we know that she has two functioning kidneys, a nice sized bladder and plenty of amniotic fluid. She doesn't have what Grant did and for that we are thankful. However, that doesn't mean that I'm 100% guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl in August. Since we lost Grant last spring I have become friends with many women who have lost babies that were part of a seemingly perfectly healthy pregnancy. I know that there are no guarantees in this life and that I should trust God, and I do trust Him, but I am still scared for my baby. I am sometimes haunted by nightmares of losing her. They are all different so far, but all seem just as real and all cause me not to be able to go back to sleep because of the fear. I lay in bed reciting scripture which helps calm me down but doesn't bring sleep. I am so thankful for my friends who have experienced healthy pregnancy after loss and those that are walking the road with me right now. The prayers and support they offer is such a relief. They truly get it. We go back to the doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to hear the amazing sound of her heart beating loud and clear.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Today is Grant's first birthday. I can't believe it's been an entire year since I held him and kissed his sweet face. I still miss my boy tremendously but it doesn't hurt as much as those first few days, weeks and months. I know that his birthday party in Heaven today is much more than I could have ever given him here on this Earth.
Grant,
You made me a Mommy and have made me such a better person. You have touched so many lives and hearts. I prayed that your little life would never be forgotten and that you had a purpose and God answered my prayers. You have allowed us to help other hurting families. You have allowed others to do the same, all because you were here and so so special. I love you my little monkey. Always have and always will. Your Daddy and I know pain that is more than we ever imagined but we know joy that much more now too.
We have some wonderful friends and family. We have received a few gifts and a few pictures/videos of people honoring Grant's birthday. To those of you who have sent those, a huge thank you. It is such a blessing to know that you are remembering him with us on his special day.
I am so very thankful for the promise of Heaven and spending eternity with my son. A day on this earth is so small in comparison to eternity in Heaven.
It's been just over a year since our big ultrasound with Grant. The day that we learned of his diagnosis and that we would never be bringing him home with us. That day, March 8 of 2012, is burned in my mind. I can still see the doctor's face. I can still feel my heart being ripped in two. It rained that day. It just so happened that it rained on this March 8th as well. It seemed so fitting that it was raining and cold once again, just like that day last year. We have come so far in a year. I think of him every day but I don't cry for him every day anymore. His first birthday is rapidly approaching and thinking of it sometimes makes me smile and sometimes makes me wince.
Grant's life has changed so many people, including us, for the better. He has impacted so many families. I am so thankful that his short life has such an amazing purpose and that God is continuing to show His plan for my son and us. We donated diapers, hats, blankets and some sleepers to a local hospital in September. It was supposed to be enough supplies to meet their needs for a year. However, I received a very touching email from the bereavement director there yesterday that says they are almost out of our gifts. She included how touched families have been to receive these gifts that we made especially for them. We will be delivering more supplies to them soon. I am also trying to make a donation to my hospital here by Grant's first birthday but finding time to sew lately has been interesting. Hopefully I will be able to complete everything I want before March 23rd.
I don't understand why babies or children die. I never have and never will. I wish we lived in a world where no parent had to experience that pain. However, I fully believe that Grant's short life had and still has a purpose. I love to see his purpose played out over and over as time goes on. One of the things that his life and death have brought me is a friendship with a group of women I otherwise would never have met. Our friendship stems from the common knowledge of how very sucky it is to lose a child along with our love for our babies and our Jesus. I am so very thankful for the friendship of these women over the past year. Another purpose of Grant's life is how it has allowed me to reach out to families affected by loss. I love that because of him I am able to help other families who are hurting. I recently have been emailing someone from across the country who just found out that her son has the same diagnosis as Grant. I love knowing that because of Grant I can offer prayer and a listening ear to this family and support them in their time of grief and decision making. I love making burial clothing for these families knowing that it will bring a small comfort to them in the darkest moments of their lives. Grant's life has taught me so many life lessons in the past 10 months and I know will continue to do so in the years to come.
Merry Christmas to all of our friends and family! I hope that today and tomorrow you are all able to experience some joy in the promise of Christ. He is the real reason behind this holiday and I pray that you are able to see Him and praise God for the gift of His son. I know how hard this season is for those of us living without loved ones, especially my friends living without our sweet children. I know that we all had dreams of Christmas outfits and eyes lighting up on Christmas morning and that for some of us that isn't going to happen this year. I'm praying that you are able to find peace this season.
I'm missing my baby boy. It's been 9 months since I held him and kissed his sweet face. I wish he was here with us to celebrate the holidays. I wish our trip this past weekend would have been more complicated because we would have had an infant with us. However, I know that the Christmas celebration in Heaven will be splendid and I love that my baby boy gets to experience it! I'm resting in the promise that one day I will also get to celebrate Christmas at the feet of God with my little boy.
It has been 1 year to the day that I found out I was pregnant with Grant. I suspected before that day but on the morning of November 21, 2011 I had a positive pregnancy test. I went to the doctor and they confirmed that yep, I was indeed pregnant. Jonathan and I were so so so excited. So excited we had a really hard time keeping it to ourselves. It had been 3 long years of waiting for that positive test. I am so thankful for that day. It was literally one of the happiest days of my life.
I never imagined that as I approached the 1 year date of finding out we were expecting I would be grieving the child that I only had for a little while. I am so very glad that I got to carry him for that short time though. I'm glad that I got to hold him, bathe him, dress him, sing to him and take pictures of his sweet face. If I could go back to 1 year ago I wouldn't change a single thing. He is one of my greatest blessings.
This time of year is my favorite. I absolutely LOVE Christmas! I love what it stands for. My savior's birth. I love seeing kids get excited and the joy on their faces. I love Christmas music, lights, trees, and even Santa. I would decorate for Christmas as early as October if my hubby would allow it. However, he thinks we should celebrate Thanksgiving before starting to celebrate the Christmas season. Something about not forgetting what we are thankful for. I say "why can't we be thankful for Christmas?" :) Thinking about the holidays this year has brought some serious twinges of pain for me. I am still excited to buy lights to hang on the house and to pick out a Christmas tree to decorate. I can't wait to get out our nativity scene. However, I'm also a little sad. There will be no stocking for Grant. I won't get to pick out a "my first Christmas" outfit. We do have two ornaments for Grant. One was sent to us by a friend with his birth stats on it and the other is a sweet angel that my sister bought for us with Grant's name on it. They will both hang proudly on the tree. My little sister took our Christmas card pictures last week, another bittersweet moment. We were able to incorporate Grant into some of the photos but oh how I missed picking out his outfit and dealing with a squirming baby. I really miss that sweet boy.
Here are some photo previews. I'll post our Christmas card after it is in the mail.
I have had a case of the should have beens lately. It's been a while since I have had this happen on almost a daily occurrence. I don't like it. I don't like the way it leaves me feeling. This past weekend was homecoming at my alma mater. We haven't been back there in a few years and I really wanted to go. I enjoyed seeing the campus and how things have changed. I even got to see a few friends while there. Most of my friends that I graduated with or that I was close to in college weren't there this weekend though. I did get to see a girl I knew in college but we weren't in the same "circle". We have become much better friends over the last few months as we now share something, the loss of a son. I got to see her, her husband and her sweet rainbow baby Silas. It was great to see them and talk about the good ole days. However, it was also very bittersweet. I had imagined taking Grant to my school's homecoming and now I will never get to. I won't get to put him in a cute onesie and take pictures of him at a place that was so very special to me. See...a should have been... He should be almost 3 months old now if he was born on time. Instead he has been gone for just over 7 months. How is that even possible? This week I have also been helping one of my my very best friends move into her new house. They have been building this house the last few months and move in day was Monday and Tuesday of this week. This is my friend who had a baby girl in August. I love her, her husband and her sweet baby girl. Holding and snuggling her baby is so healing for me. It makes me feel closer to Grant, like they have a special connection. I'm sure if he were here they would have been the best of friends. However, seeing that sweet almost 2 month old baby girl makes me think of what I should be doing with Grant right now. Another should have been moment.
I'm going to whine for a moment. I hate this. I hate that I don't get to see my baby boy grow and change. I hate that I didn't get sleepless nights because I was up feeding him. Instead I got sleepless nights because I miss my little boy. I hate that I can't snuggle him every day and kiss his sweet face. I hate that I have "should have been" moments. I hate that I am once again taking fertility meds in order to give him a sibling and waiting once again. I hate that if I get pregnant soon and get to bring home a baby I will have been waiting to bring home a baby for almost 2 years (not counting the time before we got pregnant with Grant- that would be about 5 years) when they arrive.
I know that Grant is in Heaven. In a place that is perfect, without pain or sadness, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that I get to see him again, and then it will be forever. I am grateful that God loves me enough to allow me to go to Heaven and to love my baby boy more than I do.
My first sewing day was a success in my eyes. I was super nervous that it wouldn't turn out the way I had planned or hoped but I think all went well. We had about 15 people there helping. There were a few more that wanted to come but couldn't and a few that couldn't be there but brought fabric for us to use. I had cut out some diapers and hats (with the help of my mom and sister) so that people could get started on sewing. I hadn't had time to get some to the turning stage or to the top stitching stage and I think that next time I will have to work on that to help get more finished product out of the day. All in all it was a great day. We ended up with about 30 completed diapers and about 100 that are ready to be flipped and top stitched. We also have about 30 completed hats. I met some wonderful ladies who love to sew that were happy to take home some things to complete and bring back to me. I even met a lady who recently moved here and is going to get some of her friends to help who live out of town. I was able to share my passion with others and watch them truly "get it". My little sister took some pictures of the day that I will have to share with you when I get them. I shared with these women that my goal is to diaper every baby bum from Waco to Round Rock and they are willing to help me accomplish my goal.
I even had a helper that is a new friend brought to me by God. Here is our story. A few weeks ago a woman contacted me through email, we will call her E. She sent me an email explaining that she had been reading my blog for a few months. She found it by reading a blog that led her to a blog that led her to my blog. She was reading these blogs because, unfortunately she too knew the pain of losing a baby. Her son C was stillborn at 21 weeks in January. See, she had been reading my blog all this time and had never said anything to me until now. I was seriously giddy as I was reading her email explaining this. Then she gets to the part where she saw my blog post about my sewing day. This is what prompted her to contact me. I don't usually post about where I live for safety purposes but when advertising the sewing day I had to put where it would be held. She saw that it was in the same area that she lives in. She lives about 2 miles from me! What?! Now as I was reading the email I was seriously giddy. How God works amazes me. She was asking if she can come to the sewing day and of course I say yes. I also ask her if she would like to meet for lunch. We met for lunch that same week. She was so so sweet and her little girl is beautiful. She is also expecting her rainbow baby. During lunch we were talking about Grant and C. We were sharing their stories. It is so nice to have someone who truly understands you. We talked about our experience in the hospital and how these items are going to bless other families. She mentioned that she had an amazing nurse. I mention that so did I. I ask who her nurse was. She tells me S. What?! That was my nurse and she was fabulous, a Godsend. We then find out that we had the same Ob/Gyn and the same specialist do our ultrasounds. Our hospital is a big place with lots of doctors and nurses. This can only be orchestrated by God. We lived a few miles from each other and shared the same people in our life. We had probably crossed paths countless times. We also found out that she lives in the same neighborhood as one of our best friends. Our friend that my husband was a nanny for, only 1 street over, what are the odds. The odds are not that. God doesn't care about odds. It amazes me that my little boy brought me a new friend who only lives a few miles away all because our God cares about us. Today we found out that E's husband J has been mowing the yard next to our friends (that my husband still mows despite that they moved) because the house next door is vacant and the yard is overgrown. Seriously?!
So now we have new friends that God brought in our lives because of our boys Grant and C. Perfect!
September 23. 6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days. I still miss him. I miss him so much it still makes me catch my breath sometimes. Other times it doesn't sting quite as badly, but it is still there. In the last 6 months I have known pain that I wish no one knew. I have also seen things more clearly and appreciated things more deeply than I have in the previous months and years of my life. Loss will do that you, you know. Break you down and make you see what is truly important and make you appreciate the little things. I have always loved sunny days but ever since losing Grant on the brightest, clearest days I will stop and thank God for the sunshine. Grant was born on a beautifully sunny day and it makes me smile to think of him. Sometimes I smile and cry at the same time. I am so so thankful for his life. He made me a mommy. He gave me a wonderful 21 weeks and has taught me to see things so differently. I love him and miss him every day. I love him and what he has taught me. He's taught me things that I don't think a living child could have.
We went to church today. Not to our normal church but to church with a new friend. There they sang the song "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I can't remember if I have heard the song before. I think I have but I don't ever remember it touching me like this. My favorite lyrics are in the first and last stanza.
Here is a you tube version with lyrics to follow. I lost it in church. I sat there sobbing. "Blessed the Lord, Oh My Soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship His holy name." I could do a better job of worshiping God through my grief. I know He is good and full of mercy, kindness and grace. I love that He is full of grace. It means it's ok that I screw up because His grace covers it. It means it's ok that some days I am angry that my son is dead. It also means that I can come back to Him and he will hold me tightly and love me. That is what I'm doing. Going back into God's embrace. I am going to worship Him in my pain. The two stanzas that are my favorite are highlighted.
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes [Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
I still need to feature my sweet hubby on here. He recently wrote a sonnet for class that is beautiful. Maybe he will let me share it with y'all.
Grant,
I love you more than I have the words to say. I miss you daily but I rejoice in knowing that one day we will meet again and I will spend eternity with you. I am thankful for the 21 weeks I had with you. I am also thankful for what your life has done for mine. I have made friends and have been able to be an encouragement to others on this journey, all because of you sweet boy. Your life is truly a miracle and I am so thankful God gave me you. I love you.
As a mommy who recently (5 1/2 months ago) kissed her baby boy goodbye for the 1st and last time I figured maybe, just maybe, I can share what it's like to have a friend have a baby shortly after you do. I'm not talking acquaintance. I'm talking friend. A person that you spend time with often, you talk to all the time, someone near and dear to you. I have plenty of acquaintances that have had babies since Grant died. I even have quite a few that had baby boys in August, when Grant was supposed to be born. However, I also have a few good friends who have had babies recently or will in the near future. Only one of these friends actually lives in the town that I live in. The others live a few hours away so it's a little different for me with them. The one that lives here I see a few times weekly and talk to all the time.
One of my biggest concerns when we found out that Grant wasn't going to live was how was my friendship with this woman going to survive this? How was I going to be able to celebrate her baby while I mourned mine. Well, here's how. It's not easy. It hurts. However, it needs to be done. It's not her fault that my child died. Her baby is a blessing from God just like Grant is. Therefore, I'm choosing to celebrate her through my tears and pain. It's what a true friend would do and she deserves no less. I do have to say that it did help the pain a little when she found out she was having a girl. Something about knowing I wasn't going to have to watch a baby boy who should be growing up with Grant, grow up without him. They still would have been friends and would have grown up together but at least she wears pink and bows :) My first hurdle was getting through her baby shower. I decided I would help host it. We had talked baby showers before Grant passed away and it was something I wanted to do for her. I made hand-made baby presents so I wouldn't have to look at the registry and could focus on "girly" things. I survived that day with only a few tears, in private, before and after. I knew the next hurdle would be the delivery and visiting her in the hospital. She was delivering at the same hospital I did. There's not much choice around here. I thought her delivery would be in October, it's when she was due. I thought I had time to prepare. That's what I get for thinking. She texted me yesterday morning to let me know her water broke and she was heading to the hospital at 35 weeks. I called her and prayed over her and that baby girl. When I hung up I prayed some more. I prayed for safety. As a mommy who has lost a baby and knows many others who have lost babies and as a Pediatrician I know things can go wrong. I prayed that God would protect that little girl. A little girl I already love. I felt a peace and knew that she was going to be just fine. Then came the time to go to the hospital to visit before the baby came. We went up there last night and I think my husband and I did ok visiting while there. However, I have to admit that I did cry when trying to go to sleep because everyone was laughing and anticipating a healthy baby in that delivery room where the last time I was in a similar room we all had somber faces. Her baby girl was born perfectly healthy at 2:32am this morning. As soon as they told me the time I smiled and cried at the same time. Grant was born at 2:32pm. I felt like it was my little boy saying "hi mommy". I think it's really neat that they share a birth time (even though one is am and one is pm), since they don't get to share anything else. She was also born the month that Grant was supposed to be born. Today has been much more difficult emotionally. We went to see her this afternoon. I knew that I needed to make myself hold her. I knew that it was necessary and it would be hard. I didn't expect the look on my husbands face as I held her though. I don't know what I really expected from him but it wasn't that. He looked so sad again. He initially declined to hold her because it was so hard. Eventually he did hold her, and looked so precious doing so. I wonder if my face looked like his did when he looked upon me holding an infant. It took everything I had not to cry right there. How can one person feel so excited and happy for someone else and so broken for themself at the same time? That's how it is. Happy and excited for her, sad and broken for us. Intense longing to be where they are. Celebrating insetaed of grieving. I truly do think it is a necessary step of healing for me and I'm so so so happy that my friend and her baby are well. August has been a hard month and I'm happy to see it go soon. I'm hoping September is better.
For anyone who read all of that and is in my situation and wondering how they will survive it. Here's my advice. Try your hardest to do what you would have done for them before your loss. Constantly remind yourself that it's ok to be happy for them and sad for you at the same time. It's ok to walk in your door at home and burst into tears. Heck, it's ok to cry wherever you want! Your friend will understand.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
It's not easy to do but God has taught me so much with this one little verse. Just because I am grieving doesn't mean I can't rejoice with others.
We have made it past our original due date. The anticipation of the day and the days leading up to yesterday were by far worse than yesterday. It was still a bittersweet day as we were traveling on the road for part of it for a mini get away. I thougt a few times that I should be at home taking care of a new baby or anxiously awaiting his arrival. However, that isn't what we are doing and I am choosing to enjoy my weekend away with Jonathan, even with the moments of sadness.
I have some truly amazing friends. Some of them I haven't "met" in real life but that doesn't matter. These women who really understand where I am and how I feel are a huge blessing to me. Emails, Facebook messages, blog comments, prayers; Thank You!!!!! To know that I am not walking this road alone means more to me than I have words to express.
Tonight I will be crossing off another major league baseball stadium from my list. We are going to the Kansas City Royals vs Texas Rangers Game. To top it off there are fireworks after the game! I love road trips, baseball and spending time with my husband!!!!! I'm thanking God for the opportunity to spend this weekend away with the man I love and for the chance to be Grant's Mommy.
My nose starts tingling when I'm about to cry. It's been tingling quite a bit the last few days and even more today. Grant's original due date was August 2. That is only 3 days away. I wish I was cuddling with my sweet boy right now or anxiously awaiting his arrival. I am also NOT pregnant, again :( I want to be pregnant again so very badly. Not to replace Grant, but to give him a baby brother or sister. We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of the week to get away and spend some time together. I need to not be at home this week. I miss my baby boy and all that his life promised to bring. A friend who understands where I am said today "I hope your trip is as good as it can be." I responded with a true answer. I said "I know that it will be ok in the end." I can't say how this week is going to go. I have a feeling it will be hard, really hard, but I can't say that for sure. However, I do know that in the end it will be ok. So far on this journey everything has turned out ok in the long run. It doesn't mean that some days aren't gut wrenching sobbing, nausea filled, red eyed days. It just means that I know that God is here and loves me and that in the end it will be ok. I know that one day I will see that sweet face again and until then he is living in splendor and glory.
Today we got something in the mail for you. Your urn came in and it is perfect for you. I love that we got it today, on your 4 month birthday. It just makes it that much more special. We love you sweet boy.
My emotions are unpredictable. For the past few weeks I have been having really good days. This makes me happy. Grant's due date is rapidly approaching (Aug 2) and yet I am still able to have good days. However, sometimes, sadness hits without warning. For example, tonight we were at Texas Roadhouse (yum!) for dinner and a lady with a huge pregnant belly walked in. Instantly I thought of what I would likely look like right now if I were 38 weeks pregnant and instantly I got sad. So sad I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Tears streaming down my face in public doesn't happen all that often anymore but today it did. I'm generally not jealous of other pregnant bellies. I used to be, back when I was struggling with infertility. I would often think "I wish that were me" and be jealous. Now, I just think "I want to be pregnant again" with out the jealousy. I also think "I sure hope their baby is healthy." A good friend of mine who's son died at 21 weeks a few years ago has been so helpful. She is always encouraging and it is so nice to see her with her two healthy boys after her loss. This week she let me talk about how I am feeling and I knew she understood. She "got it". Thank you for listening to me :). I wish I could predict my emotions better. I don't like crying in public and feeling so vulnerable. I know that the next few weeks will likely have lots more days where I shed tears and I know that it is ok to do so. I miss my baby boy, always will. However, I am so so thankful for his life. I try to remind myself that August 2nd is no longer a super important date. Yes, it will always have meaning but March 23 is the day to remember now, just like if he had been born on any day besides his due date and had been healthy. I also try to remind myself when I see babies who were born around the same time as him that he wouldn't be doing what they are doing. He was too premature and didn't have lungs develop.
