If you don't want to read the details of my fertility treatments skip this post :) I record them so I can look back and remember what I have done and hopefully one day celebrate success.
Well, the last round made me ovulate but we aren't pregnant. I actually ovulated without the shot of hCG and my progesterone level was 32.7 (which they want it over 20 so it was good). So here we go again. We are doing the same exact thing as last time. Clomid + Femara + Metformin and likely + a shot of hCG after an ultrasound to confirm I will ovulate. For those who are curious they draw the progesterone level about a week after I ovulate to make sure that the corpus luteum (the remnant of where the egg was) is healthy and will sustain a pregnancy until the egg implants into the uterus and starts producing it's own hormones. I'm really bummed that I'm not pregnant this month. I was hoping that this time around would be easier. Oh well. We will keep trying. We know this combination of medications works to make me ovulate, now we just need to get pregnant with a healthy baby.
Next week should be interesting as I will be on all of these hormones, working nights, and caring for 2 toddlers during the day since we don't have them in daycare yet. Please pray that with God's help I won't be overly emotional and will be able to still be a good wife and mom. We desperately want to add to our family and make Grant a big brother.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Burst Bubble
My bubble has burst. My innocence bubble and my hope that my body may actually do something right bubble. After I delivered Grant I was told my cycles would resume in no more than 6 weeks. They were right. I didn't really expect them to keep cycling regularly though since they have never really done that before without medical intervention. I was instructed to start taking my metformin again for my PCOS, so I did. Lo and behold a month later another cycle without further medications. I was slightly sad that I wasn't pregnant again but I was actually happy that my body was doing what it was supposed to. I thought that hey, maybe being pregnant had kicked my hormones into gear. Jonathan and I had talked about how long we wanted to try to get pregnant on our own before we would be comfortable going back to the fertility guy, Dr. W. We decided that if we hadn't been successful by October we would go back. Fast-forward to the end of August. My cycle came again as it had done 4 times before without medication. I was disappointed and frustrated that I wasn't pregnant again. I called Dr. W to schedule an appointment thinking it would take me about a month to get in since I hadn't been there since last November. Not so. I had an appointment for today. It actually worked out perfectly. I should be mid-cycle today so I should be ovulating soon and they would be able to see it on ultrasound and confirm that my body was doing what it was supposed to. NOOOOOO. My body has apparently been fooling me all this time. My ultrasound showed absolutely nothing going on besides my PCOS. I was so flabbergasted and mad at my own body. How could it have tricked me like this? So, here we go again with hormones and an injection at the end. I'm really frustrated, and pretty sad, right now. I really didn't want to have to go down this path again. The medications make me feel terrible (and not so nice). It's just frustrating (have I said that already, sorry). I really hope that this works quickly this time. We are ready to welcome a baby home. Dr. W is starting me on the same medications and same dose that I took when I got pregnant with Grant. No need to re-invent the wheel. So, for my records, I will be taking 200mg of Clomid for 7 days along with 2.5mg of Femara the first 5 days. I will also have an injection of HCG at the end of it all to stimulate ovulation. I will start taking the medications on Friday.
Please let this work quickly and end in a healthy baby being brought home with us.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Nose Tingling Days
My nose starts tingling when I'm about to cry. It's been tingling quite a bit the last few days and even more today. Grant's original due date was August 2. That is only 3 days away. I wish I was cuddling with my sweet boy right now or anxiously awaiting his arrival. I am also NOT pregnant, again :( I want to be pregnant again so very badly. Not to replace Grant, but to give him a baby brother or sister. We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of the week to get away and spend some time together. I need to not be at home this week. I miss my baby boy and all that his life promised to bring. A friend who understands where I am said today "I hope your trip is as good as it can be." I responded with a true answer. I said "I know that it will be ok in the end." I can't say how this week is going to go. I have a feeling it will be hard, really hard, but I can't say that for sure. However, I do know that in the end it will be ok. So far on this journey everything has turned out ok in the long run. It doesn't mean that some days aren't gut wrenching sobbing, nausea filled, red eyed days. It just means that I know that God is here and loves me and that in the end it will be ok. I know that one day I will see that sweet face again and until then he is living in splendor and glory.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Things I Don't Want To Hear
As a mommy who first struggled with infertility and now has a baby in Heaven there are things that I didn't want to hear before and that I don't want to hear now. I'm going to venture to say that other women in my situation will agree with me. Other people have done posts like this but this is my take on things.
Infertility:
1. Just relax and it will happen (don't you think we've tried that?)
2. Start adopting and then you'll get pregnant, it happened to ...... (that doesn't happen as often as you think and it doesn't help me for you to say that)
3. You can always adopt (true and maybe we will but it doesn't take away a woman's desire to carry a baby)
4. Have a drink and a little fun (also, doesn't always work that way)
5. Did you hear ...... Is pregnant? (somedays I don't want to hear that random people are pregnant, you may want to make sure I'm close to that person first. Also, if you are the friend of a woman going through infertility and you want to share your exciting news don't dismiss your friends pain. We are excited for you but sometimes it stings. Talk to her in private and say something like this "I wanted to be the one to let you know that we are expecting a baby. I know that you are waiting for that day and didn't want you to be surprised by our news.")
Moms who have lost babies:
1. God needed your baby in Heaven (if the mom says this it's fine, but don't say it for her. It doesn't make the pain go away)
2. You are so blessed by the other children you have. (This is true but this baby was also wanted and is deeply missed. Children aren't interchangeable or replaceable)
3. You can always have another baby (This one has so many wrongs. Maybe she can't have another baby, maybe her and her husband will choose not to for whatever reason, and another baby doesn't replace the one lost. Someone wrote somewhere that if I lost my mom can I get another one, no, so why is losing a baby seen differently. Each child is not replaceable.)
4. "preaching" to you about how God will make it "all better" or if you believed more this wouldn't have happened. (If we happen to beleive in God we know He will get us through but no where in the Bible does he promise health, wealth and prosperity. God promises to be with us while we suffer, not take away our suffering, look at Job. If they didn't believe in God before you just made it harder to believe.)
5. Passing judgement on decisions made. Until you are in that situation, the one when you choose when to deliver your baby because no matter when you choose the baby is going to die (also called medical termination) don't judge. It is the most gut wrenching decision of a persons life that no one should have to make and neither decision is always the right one. Some parents chose to deliver early because they don't want their child to suffer any more than necessary and some choose to carry because they will have a little more time with their baby. Every family is different and both decisions are ok. If a friend had to make this decision acknowledge how incredibly hard it was and support them.$
This is for both categories:
We don't want to hear you complaining about your children or how hard your life is because of them or how terrible you feel because you are pregnant. You chose to have children and knew it was going to change your life and be hard. I would give anything to be woken up every 2 hours to feed my son or be so uncomfortable because I'm due tomorrow. Instead of complaining about your lack of sleep with your newborn why don't you look to heaven and thank God during those 2am feedings. I know that raising children is hard, I'm raising 2 right now, but think before you speak. So ,any people would love to be in your shoes. It's ok to acknowledge how hard it is to be a parent, it's not all happy and perfect all the time, but don't complain or whine. Try to thank God instead for your strong willed toddler because he is healthy enough to be strong willed, or for your midnight feedings because your child is alive and you get to spend precious time with him.
I really hope this helps someone see it from our prospective. I know that in situations like this people dont know what to say so here are some suggestions.
1. I am here for you. (mean it, call or just show up to sit with them. If they don't want your company they won't answer the door or phone. Don't be offended and come back on a different day. If while you are there they get up and start cleaning or don't do anything but sit quietly with tears streaming down their face, that's ok, you are there and it brings more comfort than you could know)
2. I love you
3. I know you are hurting and I am so sorry
4. Bring a meal or two. Deciding what to make for dinner and then making it is almost impossible when you are in such pain
5. Don't ask what they need. Thinking of what you need is impossible. Just do something, a meal, a card, babysit their other children, clean their house, mow the yard, pick up some necessary groceries, sit and listen.
6. Speak their childs name. We want to know our child is remembered and hearing you talk about them is healing for us. We may cry but that is ok.
7. Remember the important dates are hard. If the child was born early or stillborn the remainder of the time she should have been pregnant is hard. Milestones like reaching the 3rd trimester, original due date, baby shower date, etc. holidays like Mothers day and Fathers day, birthday of the baby, Christmas, etc. Later when it should have been the first day of Kindergarten or playing Tball for the first time. Acknowledge that these days are special and difficult.
I hope this helps someone, somewhere.
Infertility:
1. Just relax and it will happen (don't you think we've tried that?)
2. Start adopting and then you'll get pregnant, it happened to ...... (that doesn't happen as often as you think and it doesn't help me for you to say that)
3. You can always adopt (true and maybe we will but it doesn't take away a woman's desire to carry a baby)
4. Have a drink and a little fun (also, doesn't always work that way)
5. Did you hear ...... Is pregnant? (somedays I don't want to hear that random people are pregnant, you may want to make sure I'm close to that person first. Also, if you are the friend of a woman going through infertility and you want to share your exciting news don't dismiss your friends pain. We are excited for you but sometimes it stings. Talk to her in private and say something like this "I wanted to be the one to let you know that we are expecting a baby. I know that you are waiting for that day and didn't want you to be surprised by our news.")
Moms who have lost babies:
1. God needed your baby in Heaven (if the mom says this it's fine, but don't say it for her. It doesn't make the pain go away)
2. You are so blessed by the other children you have. (This is true but this baby was also wanted and is deeply missed. Children aren't interchangeable or replaceable)
3. You can always have another baby (This one has so many wrongs. Maybe she can't have another baby, maybe her and her husband will choose not to for whatever reason, and another baby doesn't replace the one lost. Someone wrote somewhere that if I lost my mom can I get another one, no, so why is losing a baby seen differently. Each child is not replaceable.)
4. "preaching" to you about how God will make it "all better" or if you believed more this wouldn't have happened. (If we happen to beleive in God we know He will get us through but no where in the Bible does he promise health, wealth and prosperity. God promises to be with us while we suffer, not take away our suffering, look at Job. If they didn't believe in God before you just made it harder to believe.)
5. Passing judgement on decisions made. Until you are in that situation, the one when you choose when to deliver your baby because no matter when you choose the baby is going to die (also called medical termination) don't judge. It is the most gut wrenching decision of a persons life that no one should have to make and neither decision is always the right one. Some parents chose to deliver early because they don't want their child to suffer any more than necessary and some choose to carry because they will have a little more time with their baby. Every family is different and both decisions are ok. If a friend had to make this decision acknowledge how incredibly hard it was and support them.$
This is for both categories:
We don't want to hear you complaining about your children or how hard your life is because of them or how terrible you feel because you are pregnant. You chose to have children and knew it was going to change your life and be hard. I would give anything to be woken up every 2 hours to feed my son or be so uncomfortable because I'm due tomorrow. Instead of complaining about your lack of sleep with your newborn why don't you look to heaven and thank God during those 2am feedings. I know that raising children is hard, I'm raising 2 right now, but think before you speak. So ,any people would love to be in your shoes. It's ok to acknowledge how hard it is to be a parent, it's not all happy and perfect all the time, but don't complain or whine. Try to thank God instead for your strong willed toddler because he is healthy enough to be strong willed, or for your midnight feedings because your child is alive and you get to spend precious time with him.
I really hope this helps someone see it from our prospective. I know that in situations like this people dont know what to say so here are some suggestions.
1. I am here for you. (mean it, call or just show up to sit with them. If they don't want your company they won't answer the door or phone. Don't be offended and come back on a different day. If while you are there they get up and start cleaning or don't do anything but sit quietly with tears streaming down their face, that's ok, you are there and it brings more comfort than you could know)
2. I love you
3. I know you are hurting and I am so sorry
4. Bring a meal or two. Deciding what to make for dinner and then making it is almost impossible when you are in such pain
5. Don't ask what they need. Thinking of what you need is impossible. Just do something, a meal, a card, babysit their other children, clean their house, mow the yard, pick up some necessary groceries, sit and listen.
6. Speak their childs name. We want to know our child is remembered and hearing you talk about them is healing for us. We may cry but that is ok.
7. Remember the important dates are hard. If the child was born early or stillborn the remainder of the time she should have been pregnant is hard. Milestones like reaching the 3rd trimester, original due date, baby shower date, etc. holidays like Mothers day and Fathers day, birthday of the baby, Christmas, etc. Later when it should have been the first day of Kindergarten or playing Tball for the first time. Acknowledge that these days are special and difficult.
I hope this helps someone, somewhere.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Infertility Journey
Dealing with infertility is truly a journey. It's a journey that we pray will end with a baby, but I also think it is a journey to bring us closer to God and closer to each other. Unfortunately so many couples end up further apart because of infertility. I have found that this journey of ours is bringing us closer to God, causing us to be on our knees in prayer more, and strengthening our marriage. Our marriage hasn't been without it's trials in the past 5 years, but that's part of marriage. We've managed to grow stronger through medical school, illness, residency, severe family illness, and now infertility. I don't know why God chose us to have this problem. I don't know why he chooses anything to happen. I do know we live in a fallen and sinful world and God promises to never leave or forsake us. I cling tight to his promises on the hard days. Not all days on the infertility journey are hard ones though. We have had so many good days too. I often times find myself thanking God for this. If we hadn't of had infertility we wouldn't have been foster parents now and wouldn't have known the children that we have or the families that we now call friends. However, I can't say that I always feel thankful for this. I try to remind myself that God's plan is bigger than mine, but sometimes that is hard to do.
Every families journey with infertility is different. Here is what our journey has looked like so far. We decided in the fall of 2008 that we were ready to stop preventing having a baby. We didn't expect to get pregnant right away but month's went by and soon we were approaching the 1 year mark to when we stopped birth control. I knew that something wasn't right before this 1 year mark, but I never really wanted to admit it. I was hoping it was just the stress of intern year and when my schedule slowed down things would get better, but that wasn't the case. We got our referral to a RE: reproductive endocrinologist (i.e.: infertility specialist) in the fall of 2009 and saw him for the first time in Jan of 2010. Let the fun begin :) We found out that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) at that appointment. Our RE said that with some medication I should be able to ovulate and conceive so we started the medication called Clomid. We started out at the standard starting dose of 50mg per day for 5 days each month. This didn't work so we increased it 2 weeks later to 100, then 2 weeks later to 150, and so on until we got to 250mg, the max dose. This medication made me feel horrible. Hot flashes, dizziness, headaches, moodiness, but I stuck it out because we wanted a baby. The 250mg seemed to be the magic number and I finally ovulated. We waited the 2 weeks and were heart broken when we weren't pregnant. However, we pressed on. Tried the 250 again, and again, it worked, however again, 2 weeks later we were heart broken. After the third time we took the 250mg it stopped working. My RE added metformin, a medication for diabetics that helps with PCOS because it helps with hormone sensitivity. This added to our 250mg helped me to ovulate again and again but without becoming pregnant. By this time it's fall of 2010 and I'm tired. I'm tired of the doctors visits, ultrasounds every few weeks, tired of felling terrible and being moody. Jonathan and I thought it best to take a break for a little while. We discussed our decision with our RE, who also thought that a break may be good for us. This is also soon after we decided to do foster care. We had started the foster care journey in August of 2010 and stopped taking fertility medications in October of 2010. This allowed us to put our full focus on becoming licensed, albeit some of mine was still on residency :) We decided to wait to restart our medications until summer of 2011, so about a 9 month break. During this 9 months I actually ovulated on my own a few times but we still couldn't conceive. I went back to my RE in June of 2011 and we restarted my clomid. This time I only had to get up to 200mg for it to be effective, but the side effects were the same and still no baby. My RE decided that I needed to have a histerosalpingogram (where they look at your uterus and fallopian tubes with dye) to see if there were any anatomic reasons we weren't conceiving. I had this test in August and we found out that my right side seems to be occluded. That doesn't fully explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant since most of the time my left side is where I ovulated. We tried another month of the 200mg and ovulated but didn't get pregnant so we tried it again this past month. However, this time, once again, it didn't work and I didn't ovulate. My RE decided it was time to check my thyroid again because thyroid problems can make infertility worse, and we found out that I have hypothyroidism. This has led me to start taking medication for my thyroid, which hopefully is helping, and my RE also started another medication on top of the clomid to get me to ovulate. I go back in about a week for another ultrasound to see if these new medications have done there job. We continue to pray for God's direction in this journey and we would appreciate prayers from you as well.
Every families journey with infertility is different. Here is what our journey has looked like so far. We decided in the fall of 2008 that we were ready to stop preventing having a baby. We didn't expect to get pregnant right away but month's went by and soon we were approaching the 1 year mark to when we stopped birth control. I knew that something wasn't right before this 1 year mark, but I never really wanted to admit it. I was hoping it was just the stress of intern year and when my schedule slowed down things would get better, but that wasn't the case. We got our referral to a RE: reproductive endocrinologist (i.e.: infertility specialist) in the fall of 2009 and saw him for the first time in Jan of 2010. Let the fun begin :) We found out that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) at that appointment. Our RE said that with some medication I should be able to ovulate and conceive so we started the medication called Clomid. We started out at the standard starting dose of 50mg per day for 5 days each month. This didn't work so we increased it 2 weeks later to 100, then 2 weeks later to 150, and so on until we got to 250mg, the max dose. This medication made me feel horrible. Hot flashes, dizziness, headaches, moodiness, but I stuck it out because we wanted a baby. The 250mg seemed to be the magic number and I finally ovulated. We waited the 2 weeks and were heart broken when we weren't pregnant. However, we pressed on. Tried the 250 again, and again, it worked, however again, 2 weeks later we were heart broken. After the third time we took the 250mg it stopped working. My RE added metformin, a medication for diabetics that helps with PCOS because it helps with hormone sensitivity. This added to our 250mg helped me to ovulate again and again but without becoming pregnant. By this time it's fall of 2010 and I'm tired. I'm tired of the doctors visits, ultrasounds every few weeks, tired of felling terrible and being moody. Jonathan and I thought it best to take a break for a little while. We discussed our decision with our RE, who also thought that a break may be good for us. This is also soon after we decided to do foster care. We had started the foster care journey in August of 2010 and stopped taking fertility medications in October of 2010. This allowed us to put our full focus on becoming licensed, albeit some of mine was still on residency :) We decided to wait to restart our medications until summer of 2011, so about a 9 month break. During this 9 months I actually ovulated on my own a few times but we still couldn't conceive. I went back to my RE in June of 2011 and we restarted my clomid. This time I only had to get up to 200mg for it to be effective, but the side effects were the same and still no baby. My RE decided that I needed to have a histerosalpingogram (where they look at your uterus and fallopian tubes with dye) to see if there were any anatomic reasons we weren't conceiving. I had this test in August and we found out that my right side seems to be occluded. That doesn't fully explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant since most of the time my left side is where I ovulated. We tried another month of the 200mg and ovulated but didn't get pregnant so we tried it again this past month. However, this time, once again, it didn't work and I didn't ovulate. My RE decided it was time to check my thyroid again because thyroid problems can make infertility worse, and we found out that I have hypothyroidism. This has led me to start taking medication for my thyroid, which hopefully is helping, and my RE also started another medication on top of the clomid to get me to ovulate. I go back in about a week for another ultrasound to see if these new medications have done there job. We continue to pray for God's direction in this journey and we would appreciate prayers from you as well.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Back to School
Tomorrow is August 22nd. The first day of school for D! Jonathan also starts back to college tomorrow and I am so proud of him. A started daycare last week so he could start getting used to it before the chaos of tomorrow hits. I also am taking our friends little girl Andrea to daycare tomorrow for her first day. Jonathan has been keeping her for the past 18 months during the day and now that he is going to college it is time for her to go to daycare. I never knew what it would feel like to have my kids go to school on the first day, now I do and I LOVE IT! It is so exciting helping them pick out school supplies, lunch boxes, school clothes. Helping pack backpacks for the first day, making a school lunch for D, picking out clothes for school and planning a first day of school breakfast! I think I'm more excited about this than she is. The other great thing about starting school is having our set routine back.
D and A have been visiting with their grandma every weekend for the past 4-5 weeks. They went there this weekend too but we decided that it would be best to pick them up Saturday instead of Sunday so that we could make sure they were in bed on time today and were well rested for tomorrow. Usually when we pick them up they are exhausted and hyped up on caffeine and sugar. Yesterday was no different and they were asleep in the car on the way home at 8:30. Jonathan had to wake up A this morning at 8:45 and D didn't get up till 8:30 so we know they were exhausted.
I can't wait for D's soccer season to start soon. Her first game is in a few weeks and hopefully we will find out what team she is on and when practice is sometime this week. Jonathan may be coaching her team, we are waiting to find out if they need extra coaches. D is super excited about playing soccer and I hope she loves it.
On a different note... we are still working on infertility stuff. I'm not gonna go into details but we are slowly getting back into seeing our specialist and trying to have a baby. This time around I feel more at peace about everything than I have in the past. Jonathan pointed out something to me the other day that I hadn't really thought about and that is that if we would have had a baby a year ago we wouldn't have been foster parents now and wouldn't have known S, K, C, C, C, B, D or A. We wouldn't have been blessed with these children and wouldn't know the joy that they have brought us. God knows what He is doing and in His time we will have a baby.
~until~
D and A have been visiting with their grandma every weekend for the past 4-5 weeks. They went there this weekend too but we decided that it would be best to pick them up Saturday instead of Sunday so that we could make sure they were in bed on time today and were well rested for tomorrow. Usually when we pick them up they are exhausted and hyped up on caffeine and sugar. Yesterday was no different and they were asleep in the car on the way home at 8:30. Jonathan had to wake up A this morning at 8:45 and D didn't get up till 8:30 so we know they were exhausted.
I can't wait for D's soccer season to start soon. Her first game is in a few weeks and hopefully we will find out what team she is on and when practice is sometime this week. Jonathan may be coaching her team, we are waiting to find out if they need extra coaches. D is super excited about playing soccer and I hope she loves it.
On a different note... we are still working on infertility stuff. I'm not gonna go into details but we are slowly getting back into seeing our specialist and trying to have a baby. This time around I feel more at peace about everything than I have in the past. Jonathan pointed out something to me the other day that I hadn't really thought about and that is that if we would have had a baby a year ago we wouldn't have been foster parents now and wouldn't have known S, K, C, C, C, B, D or A. We wouldn't have been blessed with these children and wouldn't know the joy that they have brought us. God knows what He is doing and in His time we will have a baby.
~until~
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Struggles
This post may not be all up beat and happy. This blog is for us to share our journey through infertility, foster care and eventually adoption, and all of those things have times of heartache. Unfortunately, sometimes the heartache all happens together.
D and A came to our home on April 28th. They have been with us longer than any of our other foster children. We have been waiting for CPS to tell us if one of their grandmothers would be approved to have them live with her. It's taken over 6 weeks for her home study to be approved, which personally I think is ridiculous. Everyone involved with these children are waiting for answers, including the children. D keeps asking if grandma has passed her test, well, yesterday we finally told her that grandma did pass her test and that before school starts they will be leaving. Before they can go live with their grandmother they have to have weekend visits first so that A can get to know her because he hasn't seen her since he was an infant, even though she only lives 30 minutes from his house. The situation is really odd but hopefully it's what is best for the kids. I know that D is happy to be going so that helps. Waiting a few more weeks for them to leave when we know they are leaving soon is going to be emotionally hard. We've had 3 other sets of foster kids so far and all of them we have been called and told they were leaving the same day of the phone call. It's hard to get all there stuff together that quickly and say good bye but it's not drawn out over a few weeks. Either way it's hard to say goodbye to them. It's amazing how fast you fall in love with these kids and we will miss D and A dearly.
Infertility brings a totally different type of heartbreak and until you have experienced it I don't think you can truly understand. Most women want to have their own biological child. If you are one of those women who wants to have your own child and you can't, your heart breaks. It doesn't just break once, it breaks almost monthly when that test is negative. It's so hard not to get your hopes up that maybe this month it worked. Maybe this month will be different. I have been ovulating without medications since last fall, which is wonderful, yet we still haven't gotten pregnant. Later this month I will have to have a specialized test to see if my uterus and fallopian tubes are all normal and seem to be working. I think that we may be quickly approaching the end of our infertility journey because we aren't willing to do IVF. That means we have IUI left, which I've heard is really stressful on the husband and wife. Not that all of this hasn't been stressful on both of us already. We will wait and see what happens this month.
Adoption. Our eventual goal no matter if we have our own children or not. We will still adopt a child, or 2 or 3. Adoption is something that we have been called by God to do. Just like Foster care is. He calls us to care for the orphans, and that is what we are doing. Right now I think that he wants us to pursue infertility and adoption/foster care at the same time. If at one point he tells us to stop the infertility work then we will. Here's the problem with adoption.... It's REALLY expensive. I'm talking, could buy a very nice new car expensive. Adoption through foster care can be free, if the children meet certain criteria. Here's the other problem with adoption.....it takes a REALLY long time. This is regardless of if it's through foster care, private, international. Sometimes it takes YEARS to get your child. I guess after trying to have our own baby for 3 years it should be no big deal, but my maternal clock is ticking and getting louder. Jonathan and I are discussing infant adoption through an agency on top of continuing foster to adopt. I really want a newborn. I know that that may seem crazy. I want to be woken up every 2 hours to that sweet infant. I want to watch them grow and develop from the time they are born until they are adults, I don't want to miss out on part of their life. I don't mind adopting a little older kids too, I just want to experience at least once, having an infant.
D and A have been a joy to have in our house the last 10 weeks and we wouldn't trade our time with them for anything. I've loved watching them thrive in a family environment. Watching A learn to talk and come out of his shell. He is such a happy little boy. He is always smiling and ready to play. He is all boy and wants to wrestle and shoot things and throw balls. D is such a sweet young girl. She is girly and wants to curl her hair, paint her nails and wear dresses. I don't understand girly very much, cause that's not me at all, but it's fun watching her and playing with her. She loves her brother so much and it's fun to watch their relationship develop to that of a sister and brother instead of her trying to be the mom all the time. We love them dearly and will miss them so much when they leave.
~until~
D and A came to our home on April 28th. They have been with us longer than any of our other foster children. We have been waiting for CPS to tell us if one of their grandmothers would be approved to have them live with her. It's taken over 6 weeks for her home study to be approved, which personally I think is ridiculous. Everyone involved with these children are waiting for answers, including the children. D keeps asking if grandma has passed her test, well, yesterday we finally told her that grandma did pass her test and that before school starts they will be leaving. Before they can go live with their grandmother they have to have weekend visits first so that A can get to know her because he hasn't seen her since he was an infant, even though she only lives 30 minutes from his house. The situation is really odd but hopefully it's what is best for the kids. I know that D is happy to be going so that helps. Waiting a few more weeks for them to leave when we know they are leaving soon is going to be emotionally hard. We've had 3 other sets of foster kids so far and all of them we have been called and told they were leaving the same day of the phone call. It's hard to get all there stuff together that quickly and say good bye but it's not drawn out over a few weeks. Either way it's hard to say goodbye to them. It's amazing how fast you fall in love with these kids and we will miss D and A dearly.
Infertility brings a totally different type of heartbreak and until you have experienced it I don't think you can truly understand. Most women want to have their own biological child. If you are one of those women who wants to have your own child and you can't, your heart breaks. It doesn't just break once, it breaks almost monthly when that test is negative. It's so hard not to get your hopes up that maybe this month it worked. Maybe this month will be different. I have been ovulating without medications since last fall, which is wonderful, yet we still haven't gotten pregnant. Later this month I will have to have a specialized test to see if my uterus and fallopian tubes are all normal and seem to be working. I think that we may be quickly approaching the end of our infertility journey because we aren't willing to do IVF. That means we have IUI left, which I've heard is really stressful on the husband and wife. Not that all of this hasn't been stressful on both of us already. We will wait and see what happens this month.
Adoption. Our eventual goal no matter if we have our own children or not. We will still adopt a child, or 2 or 3. Adoption is something that we have been called by God to do. Just like Foster care is. He calls us to care for the orphans, and that is what we are doing. Right now I think that he wants us to pursue infertility and adoption/foster care at the same time. If at one point he tells us to stop the infertility work then we will. Here's the problem with adoption.... It's REALLY expensive. I'm talking, could buy a very nice new car expensive. Adoption through foster care can be free, if the children meet certain criteria. Here's the other problem with adoption.....it takes a REALLY long time. This is regardless of if it's through foster care, private, international. Sometimes it takes YEARS to get your child. I guess after trying to have our own baby for 3 years it should be no big deal, but my maternal clock is ticking and getting louder. Jonathan and I are discussing infant adoption through an agency on top of continuing foster to adopt. I really want a newborn. I know that that may seem crazy. I want to be woken up every 2 hours to that sweet infant. I want to watch them grow and develop from the time they are born until they are adults, I don't want to miss out on part of their life. I don't mind adopting a little older kids too, I just want to experience at least once, having an infant.
D and A have been a joy to have in our house the last 10 weeks and we wouldn't trade our time with them for anything. I've loved watching them thrive in a family environment. Watching A learn to talk and come out of his shell. He is such a happy little boy. He is always smiling and ready to play. He is all boy and wants to wrestle and shoot things and throw balls. D is such a sweet young girl. She is girly and wants to curl her hair, paint her nails and wear dresses. I don't understand girly very much, cause that's not me at all, but it's fun watching her and playing with her. She loves her brother so much and it's fun to watch their relationship develop to that of a sister and brother instead of her trying to be the mom all the time. We love them dearly and will miss them so much when they leave.
~until~
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Patience...it is a virtue....
The foster care process is taking us longer than we would have hoped. 40 hours of observation is a lot and with my schedule for the next 2 months it's going to be hard to do. I'm sure we can get some of it done but probably not all of it before Christmas. It makes me sad to think that the kids that God has for us won't be here for Christmas but maybe it's because they aren't ready for our home yet.
New month = new rotation in residency land, which is where I live for the next 240 days :) I am on NICU this month and I hate that place. The NICU makes me incredibly sad. These babies are born so early or so sick and sometimes both and often don't have very good outcomes. It also makes me sad because there are lots of babies in the NICU because of their mom's decisions while she was pregnant. Smoking Crack is not good for a baby and often times ends in premature birth and very sick children. That is just one example. All I can do is pray that these little ones will stay as healthy as possible and that the amazing doctors that take care of them will do what is best. The doctors and nurses in the NICU are there of their own kind. They are obviously called and designed for the work they do and for that I am grateful.
I've lately had some sad days. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me or feel bad. I tell you this because I want you to understand. I don't think anyone truly understands unless they have been there but sometimes it's nice to hear it from the horse's mouth per say. I've been sad because lots of people I know and am fairly close to are pregnant. It's not just that they are pregnant. It's that it seems to have happened overnight and everyone got pregnant within like 3 months of each other without really trying. Sometimes it's hard to stomach that we have tried for over 2 years and still haven't been pregnant and they try 1 month and poof-a baby. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. All of them will make great parents, and one already is a wonderful mom, it's just I don't always understand the reasoning behind it and it makes me sad. I tell Jonathan all the time that being a Mom is what I want most in this world. I would give up everything to be a mom. I know that all things are in God's timing. I know this, yet sometimes I still long for what I've been dreaming of my whole life. I also know that maybe it's because there are little ones out there that need us as their foster parents first. Who knows what God's plan is but I have to trust that it is perfect. I also know that God doesn't get mad when I get upset because it seems as if everyone around me is getting to be a mom and I'm still in the shadows, waiting my turn. Like the title says: patience is a virtue....I am still learning this very lesson.
That was random, but it's all for now.
~until~
ps: the dog in the previous post is still up for adoption, he needs a good home :)
New month = new rotation in residency land, which is where I live for the next 240 days :) I am on NICU this month and I hate that place. The NICU makes me incredibly sad. These babies are born so early or so sick and sometimes both and often don't have very good outcomes. It also makes me sad because there are lots of babies in the NICU because of their mom's decisions while she was pregnant. Smoking Crack is not good for a baby and often times ends in premature birth and very sick children. That is just one example. All I can do is pray that these little ones will stay as healthy as possible and that the amazing doctors that take care of them will do what is best. The doctors and nurses in the NICU are there of their own kind. They are obviously called and designed for the work they do and for that I am grateful.
I've lately had some sad days. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me or feel bad. I tell you this because I want you to understand. I don't think anyone truly understands unless they have been there but sometimes it's nice to hear it from the horse's mouth per say. I've been sad because lots of people I know and am fairly close to are pregnant. It's not just that they are pregnant. It's that it seems to have happened overnight and everyone got pregnant within like 3 months of each other without really trying. Sometimes it's hard to stomach that we have tried for over 2 years and still haven't been pregnant and they try 1 month and poof-a baby. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. All of them will make great parents, and one already is a wonderful mom, it's just I don't always understand the reasoning behind it and it makes me sad. I tell Jonathan all the time that being a Mom is what I want most in this world. I would give up everything to be a mom. I know that all things are in God's timing. I know this, yet sometimes I still long for what I've been dreaming of my whole life. I also know that maybe it's because there are little ones out there that need us as their foster parents first. Who knows what God's plan is but I have to trust that it is perfect. I also know that God doesn't get mad when I get upset because it seems as if everyone around me is getting to be a mom and I'm still in the shadows, waiting my turn. Like the title says: patience is a virtue....I am still learning this very lesson.
That was random, but it's all for now.
~until~
ps: the dog in the previous post is still up for adoption, he needs a good home :)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A "Fair" Weekend!
This past weekend was a blast. We went to Dallas Friday night. Friday we ate dinner with Jonathan's mom and then went to my sister's house in Rockwall and played Ping Pong until way too late. Saturday morning came early and we enjoyed some garage sale shopping (where I found a changing table in excellent shape for $10), shopping at Macy's, Sonic Happy Hour and then headed to the State Fair. I haven't been to the state fair in about 6 years. The last time I went was with 2 great roommates to see a Brad Paisley concert and it was pouring down rain. This time we went to meander, hang with my family, and eat fried food. Here's a list of the foods we ate, but we shared most of it with each other: Tater twisters with cheese (kind of a cross between a french fry and potato chips), Fletcher's Corn Dog, fried frito pie, fried s'mores, sausage on a stick, cotton candy, funnel cake, fried cheesecake. Now we can all have a heart attack. After the fair Jonathan and I headed back to his Mom's house to hang out with them some more. We spent most of the day Sunday with his Mom, which was fun. I've been on "vacation" this week. It's been more like a "staycation" but I don't care. Sleeping in, lounging around, not having anything in particular that needs to be done has been fabulous and I'll be sad wen Monday comes along. Today I got a hair cut, actually I got about 4 inches cut off, so now my hair is pretty short but really cute :). Today I also tried my hand at making a changing pad cover that matches the "little kid" room decor. It turned out pretty cute. I'll have to take pictures of the kids rooms and post them on here sometime. Tonight we are having a pre-interview social at a friends house. Last Thursday it was at my house and there were about 25 people there. This week I volunteered to make the desserts since my friend who is hosting said "I'm a disaster in the kitchen". I made cookies and cream cheesecake and a 4 layer delight. Should be tasty. Tomorrow I'm going to finish my application for my future job, work on my supporting documents for my Texas Medical License, catch up on some laundry and hopefully just lounge around the house.
The last cycle of meds I took worked but I didn't get pregnant. We have decided to take a break for a few months and in the spring start back up. I need an emotional and physical break from the hormones and disappointment when the tests are negative. This will also give us more time and energy to focus on our foster care plans. We are hoping to be licensed by Thanksgiving, which means we need to get busy with our observation hours and scheduling our home study. I can't imagine how amazing Christmas will be this year with children in our home to share it with.
~until~
The last cycle of meds I took worked but I didn't get pregnant. We have decided to take a break for a few months and in the spring start back up. I need an emotional and physical break from the hormones and disappointment when the tests are negative. This will also give us more time and energy to focus on our foster care plans. We are hoping to be licensed by Thanksgiving, which means we need to get busy with our observation hours and scheduling our home study. I can't imagine how amazing Christmas will be this year with children in our home to share it with.
~until~
Monday, October 11, 2010
Ramblings.....
So it stormed here tonight. The kind with lightning streaking across the sky, my favorite. It always reminds me of a summer when I was a kid. We were at Lake Texoma with my family, somewhere we went often as kids. A summer storm was coming. My dad loaded all the kids in the car and drove us out to the end of the road. Somewhere where there were no lights, no people, nothing. Just us, the lake, the bluffs, and the trees. We sat in the car and watched the lightning for what seemed like hours. It was almost magical. We would see how many streaks would come off a bolt and what color it would make the sky and clouds. It makes me smile just to think about it. Life was simple then. No cares. Your dad in the car to "protect you". I still love to watch thunderstorms roll in and would be sad to live somewhere where there weren't storms. I love the sound of the lightning cracking and the thunder rolling.
I wonder why I get more upset when I learn of one person being pregnant than when I learn of someone else. People I know pretty equally well. Hmmm?
I'm starting to get frustrated with the foster care process. It seems like every time I think we are nearing the end something else comes up that needs to be done. Why do they have to make it so difficult to be a foster parent? I mean, we are willing to take in other peoples children, children likely to have emotional, and sometimes physical injuries and yet they make it incredibly difficult to be a foster parent. I know that they are trying to ensure that these fragile children are placed in safe and secure homes, but some of it seems a little ridiculous. Oh well, we will jump through all the hoops and hopefully be done before Thanksgiving.
I just want to be a mom.....
~until~
I wonder why I get more upset when I learn of one person being pregnant than when I learn of someone else. People I know pretty equally well. Hmmm?
I'm starting to get frustrated with the foster care process. It seems like every time I think we are nearing the end something else comes up that needs to be done. Why do they have to make it so difficult to be a foster parent? I mean, we are willing to take in other peoples children, children likely to have emotional, and sometimes physical injuries and yet they make it incredibly difficult to be a foster parent. I know that they are trying to ensure that these fragile children are placed in safe and secure homes, but some of it seems a little ridiculous. Oh well, we will jump through all the hoops and hopefully be done before Thanksgiving.
I just want to be a mom.....
~until~
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