2 years...Happy Birthday Grant Oliver

2 years have passed since I've held you in my arms. I think of you every day and miss you always. We had a party to celebrate Grant this year and it was so much fun. So many of our friends came and my sister even drove down from Dallas to be here. I decided that we should make tiny hats to donate to local hospitals so that other families would know that their baby is special and loved. We made over 200 hats that day. Our small group at church got us a card and donated money to MEND in Grant's memory. So sweet. I loved being able to celebrate his life with everyone. I had to work on Grant's actual birthday. I was a little bummed about it. However, at work that day someone I work with came up to me and asked to talk to me later. When I was done seeing patients she came down and met me in my office and proceeded to tell me that she lost a baby earlier this year. They received one of the diapers we had donated to our local hospital and she said how much it meant to her. It was amazing hearing about this on Grant's birthday!

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven baby boy. I can't wait to see you again.

Gospel Community...Being More Transparent

Church this morning was AMAZING. It was all about community. Why we need it and how it should look. I stole our pastors phrase...gospel community. It means making our church look like the community that God has in mind. Rich, poor, educated, uneducated, outgoing, introverted all fellowshiping together, being a community. This means that we rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. We support each other through burdens and hard times. We pray for each other, encourage each other and speak truth to each other. While he was preaching I was thinking about our COM group (small group) that we have recently joined. We have begun making friends in this group and are enjoying getting to know them. However, as he was talking about how we should be more transparent in our COM groups, in order to allow us to really be a gospel community, I was thinking about how most of our group doesn't really know about Grant. One couple already knew Grant's story. I used to work with her and we were friends before we started going to church there. However, only 1 or 2 more girls in the group know about him. It's not because we aren't proud of him. I think it's because we don't want to burden others with the sadness of a baby dying. The look that people give you when you say your baby died is heartbreaking and we aren't always open about it. We need to be though. I was talking with my friend Melinda (who is in our COM group and knows about Grant) after church today about this. I think the next time our group gets together we will share Grant's story. The whole story. These are our friends, fellow believers, those who are supposed to be there to support and love us, they should know about our first born, our son.

I've been thinking about Grant a great deal more lately than normal. I think about him every day but most of the time it's a short thought as I see his picture on our wall or see his nose on Amelia. Sometimes I think more as I rock her and pray before bed or when I see a little boy that would be about his age. As his second birthday is approaching I've thought about him more. I've thought about how I want to celebrate him for his birthday, how I want people to remember him. I'm still working on what I would like to do for his birthday but I'm sure I will figure something out that will honor him and celebrate him. First, I will share his life with our friends.

Happy 1st Birthday Grant

Today is Grant's first birthday. I can't believe it's been an entire year since I held him and kissed his sweet face. I still miss my boy tremendously but it doesn't hurt as much as those first few days, weeks and months. I know that his birthday party in Heaven today is much more than I could have ever given him here on this Earth.

Grant,
You made me a Mommy and have made me such a better person. You have touched so many lives and hearts. I prayed that your little life would never be forgotten and that you had a purpose and God answered my prayers. You have allowed us to help other hurting families. You have allowed others to do the same, all because you were here and so so special. I love you my little monkey. Always have and always will. Your Daddy and I know pain that is more than we ever imagined but we know joy that much more now too.

We have some wonderful friends and family. We have received a few gifts and a few pictures/videos of people honoring Grant's birthday. To those of you who have sent those, a huge thank you. It is such  a blessing to know that you are remembering him with us on his special day.

I am so very thankful for the promise of Heaven and spending eternity with my son. A day on this earth is so small in comparison to eternity in Heaven.

Happy Birthday Grant! We Love You!

Just Over A Year Ago

It's been just over a year since our big ultrasound with Grant. The day that we learned of his diagnosis and that we would never be bringing him home with us. That day, March 8 of 2012, is burned in my mind. I can still see the doctor's face. I can still feel my heart being ripped in two. It rained that day. It just so happened that it rained on this March 8th as well. It seemed so fitting that it was raining and cold once again, just like that day last year. We have come so far in a year. I think of him every day but I don't cry for him every day anymore. His first birthday is rapidly approaching and thinking of it sometimes makes me smile and sometimes makes me wince.

Grant's life has changed so many people, including us, for the better. He has impacted so many families. I am so thankful that his short life has such an amazing purpose and that God is continuing to show His plan for my son and us. We donated diapers, hats, blankets and some sleepers to a local hospital in September. It was supposed to be enough supplies to meet their needs for a year. However, I received a very touching email from the bereavement director there yesterday that says they are almost out of our gifts. She included how touched families have been to receive these gifts that we made especially for them. We will be delivering more supplies to them soon. I am also trying to make a donation to my hospital here by Grant's first birthday but finding time to sew lately has been interesting. Hopefully I will be able to complete everything I want before March 23rd.

The Purpose Behind His Loss

I don't understand why babies or children die. I never have and never will. I wish we lived in a world where no parent had to experience that pain. However, I fully believe that Grant's short life had and still has a purpose. I love to see his purpose played out over and over as time goes on. One of the things that his life and death have brought me is a friendship with a group of women I otherwise would never have met. Our friendship stems from the common knowledge of how very sucky it is to lose a child along with our love for our babies and our Jesus. I am so very thankful for the friendship of these women over the past year. Another purpose of Grant's life is how it has allowed me to reach out to families affected by loss. I love that because of him I am able to help other families who are hurting. I recently have been emailing someone from across the country who just found out that her son has the same diagnosis as Grant. I love knowing that because of Grant I can offer prayer and a listening ear to this family and support them in their time of grief and decision making. I love making burial clothing for these families knowing that it will bring a small comfort to them in the darkest moments of their lives. Grant's life has taught me so many life lessons in the past 10 months and I know will continue to do so in the years to come.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of our friends and family! I hope that today and tomorrow you are all able to experience some joy in the promise of Christ. He is the real reason behind this holiday and I pray that you are able to see Him and praise God for the gift of His son. I know how hard this season is for those of us living without loved ones, especially my friends living without our sweet children. I know that we all had dreams of Christmas outfits and eyes lighting up on Christmas morning and that for some of us that isn't going to happen this year. I'm praying that you are able to find peace this season.

I'm missing my baby boy. It's been 9 months since I held him and kissed his sweet face. I wish he was here with us to celebrate the holidays. I wish our trip this past weekend would have been more complicated because we would have had an infant with us. However, I know that the Christmas celebration in Heaven will be splendid and I love that my baby boy gets to experience it! I'm resting in the promise that one day I will also get to celebrate Christmas at the feet of God with my little boy.

Merry Christmas!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot (but not feel like) Christmas!

Can I be completely honest? I don't mind one bit that it is still warm and it's almost Christmas. I love the fact that I can wear my flip flops and t-shirts in December. I love that as I was working in the garage this week on a bookshelf I'm refinishing (more on that later) I was in shorts and a t-shirt and was comfortable. Do I wish it would get cold? Not really! I hate the cold! I hate bulky sweaters and jackets. They make me feel confined. I would never be a good northerner. I do enjoy cold days on occasion. When I don't have anywhere to go and can sit by the fire drinking cocoa, otherwise bring on the lows in the 60s and highs in the upper 70s.

This week I have been refinishing a bookshelf, decorating for Christmas and working on a quilt. Busy busy. We got our Christmas tree on Sunday. I LOVE real Christmas trees. They smell so wonderful and look so pretty. I have allergies but I'm willing to sacrifice myself for a few weeks to enjoy a real tree :) The house is now almost completely decorated and I love it. I love the twinkling lights, Nativity Set, Santa's and Snowmen, and stockings. This year I'm putting up a Christmas village that was my Mom's. I have to wait until the bookshelf I'm refinishing is done first so I have somewhere to put it. Hopefully I can get that done tomorrow and then I will be pretty much done. I have handled decorating without too much sadness. I had a few moments while hanging stockings and putting ornaments on the tree but I am enjoying the true meaning of Christmas this year and am celebrating that.

The outside of our house. No lights on the top this year. Saving money for the ones I really want for next year. This is the first year you can see the columns because we are re-landscaping. Those 2 trees are kids tress in the kid rooms.

Front Door Wreath I made this year :)

Grant's ornament on the tree. Love how he is represented there.

Grant's other ornament

Our Family Ornament from last year. I miss those 2 kiddos.

Stockings on the mantel with Grant's urn in the middle. The 2 stockings on the ends are for our dogs.

My Willow Tree Nativity Set. I love this set and plan on getting a few more of the pieces in the future. 

So, there you have it. Christmas decorations a-la-Bybee. I'll show the bookshelf and Christmas village when I get it up. The bookshelf is done but looks empty (cause it is) so I don't want to share just yet. My Christmas Card will be posted soon too :)

Merry Christmas!

A Happy Thanksgiving With Some Sadness Mixed In

We did have a good Thanksgiving. We spent time with both of our families. I loved being with my nieces and nephews. Seeing their smiles and hearing them playing. I even got to go fishing with my brother, Dad, niece McKenzie and a friend of my brother's. It was a nice afternoon spent on the lake enjoying being together. I enjoyed helping my mom make Thanksgiving and snacking as we went. It was a nice few days spent with family enjoying each other. I love my large family and the crazy that goes with it. We helped my parents move a little closer to my siblings. Moving is always an adventure with my family and this time was no different. We had a very busy few days going here and there, seeing friends and family and I enjoyed it. We have some of the greatest friends and family. 

Thanksgiving was a little bittersweet. I've been told by my friends who have gone before me on this path that the first milestones are the hardest. I fully expected it to be true and it has been. As with the other milestones we have passed Thanksgiving wasn't much different. It seems the time leading up to a milestone is harder than the actual milestone. I've been doing my best this month to be thankful. It always helps me with my grief to be thankful. I've even continued to be thankful for my baby boy. He is one of our biggest blessings and greatest miracles and I'm glad he is mine. However, being thankful for him doesn't take away the sting that he isn't with us. I couldn't help but think how cute he would have looked in a thanksgiving outfit and how our family would have been passing him around oohing and ahhing over him. Some tears fell on a few different occasions and I just let them fall. I needed to feel it. I've learned that my journey is easier if I allow myself to feel the sadness when it comes instead of suppressing it. One of the times that it hit me the hardest was when I was Black Friday shopping with my mom and sister. A time I least expected it. Walking through the store and seeing tiny Christmas outfits and toys for infants. I had to walk away with tears in my eyes.

I'm sure that as Christmas approaches it will be similar. Days and moments that are wonderful and those that are sad. I will continue to thank God for my family, my son, my amazing husband, and for His love. 

1 year- Since One of the Happiest Days of My Life

It has been 1 year to the day that I found out I was pregnant with Grant. I suspected before that day but on the morning of November 21, 2011 I had a positive pregnancy test. I went to the doctor and they confirmed that yep, I was indeed pregnant. Jonathan and I were so so so excited. So excited we had a really hard time keeping it to ourselves. It had been 3 long years of waiting for that positive test. I am so thankful for that day. It was literally one of the happiest days of my life.

I never imagined that as I approached the 1 year date of finding out we were expecting I would be grieving the child that I only had for a little while. I am so very glad that I got to carry him for that short time though. I'm glad that I got to hold him, bathe him, dress him, sing to him and take pictures of his sweet face. If I could go back to 1 year ago I wouldn't change a single thing. He is one of my greatest blessings.

Holidays Are Approaching

This time of year is my favorite. I absolutely LOVE Christmas! I love what it stands for. My savior's birth. I love seeing kids get excited and the joy on their faces. I love Christmas music, lights, trees, and even Santa. I would decorate for Christmas as early as October if my hubby would allow it. However, he thinks we should celebrate Thanksgiving before starting to celebrate the Christmas season. Something about not forgetting what we are thankful for. I say "why can't we be thankful for Christmas?" :) Thinking about the holidays this year has brought some serious twinges of pain for me. I am still excited to buy lights to hang on the house and to pick out a Christmas tree to decorate. I can't wait to get out our nativity scene. However, I'm also a little sad. There will be no stocking for Grant. I won't get to pick out a "my first Christmas" outfit. We do have two ornaments for Grant. One was sent to us by a friend with his birth stats on it and the other is a sweet angel that my sister bought for us with Grant's name on it. They will both hang proudly on the tree. My little sister took our Christmas card pictures last week, another bittersweet moment. We were able to incorporate Grant into some of the photos but oh how I missed picking out his outfit and dealing with a squirming baby. I really miss that sweet boy. 

Here are some photo previews. I'll post our Christmas card after it is in the mail.

A Case of the "Should Have Beens"

I have had a case of the should have beens lately. It's been a while since I have had this happen on almost a daily occurrence. I don't like it. I don't like the way it leaves me feeling. This past weekend was homecoming at my alma mater. We haven't been back there in a few years and I really wanted to go. I enjoyed seeing the campus and how things have changed. I even got to see a few friends while there. Most of my friends that I graduated with or that I was close to in college weren't there this weekend though. I did get to see a girl I knew in college but we weren't in the same "circle". We have become much better friends over the last few months as we now share something, the loss of a son. I got to see her, her husband and her sweet rainbow baby Silas. It was great to see them and talk about the good ole days. However, it was also very bittersweet. I had imagined taking Grant to my school's homecoming and now I will never get to. I won't get to put him in a cute onesie and take pictures of him at a place that was so very special to me. See...a should have been... He should be almost 3 months old now if he was born on time. Instead he has been gone for just over 7 months. How is that even possible? This week I have also been helping one of my my very best friends move into her new house. They have been building this house the last few months and move in day was Monday and Tuesday of this week. This is my friend who had a baby girl in August. I love her, her husband and her sweet baby girl. Holding and snuggling her baby is so healing for me. It makes me feel closer to Grant, like they have a special connection. I'm sure if he were here they would have been the best of friends. However, seeing that sweet almost 2 month old baby girl makes me think of what I should be doing with Grant right now. Another should have been moment.

I'm going to whine for a moment. I hate this. I hate that I don't get to see my baby boy grow and change. I hate that I didn't get sleepless nights because I was up feeding him. Instead I got sleepless nights because I miss my little boy. I hate that I can't snuggle him every day and kiss his sweet face. I hate that I have "should have been" moments. I hate that I am once again taking fertility meds in order to give him a sibling and waiting once again. I hate that if I get pregnant soon and get to bring home a baby I will have been waiting to bring home a baby for almost 2 years (not counting the time before we got pregnant with Grant- that would be about 5 years) when they arrive.

I know that Grant is in Heaven. In a place that is perfect, without pain or sadness, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that I get to see him again, and then it will be forever. I am grateful that God loves me enough to allow me to go to Heaven and to love my baby boy more than I do.

Favorite Charities/Non-profits

Once again I'm linking up to Kelly's Korner for her Friday Show Us Your Life Day. Today is favorite charities/non-profits. I have a few that are my favorites, so I shall share more than one :)

1. Teeny Tears- this organization is not yet a non-profit but Boy oh Boy are they wonderful! I LOVE this group of women across the country and even extending into other countries! They provide free patterns to sew tiny (I'm talking itty bitty) diapers to be donated to hospitals for the tinniest babies to wear when they are stillborn or die shortly after birth. It allows these little ones to be clothed in something made just for them. Each family is given 2 diapers. One for the baby to wear and one for the family to keep. They also have tutorials on how to make the diapers and other ways to help out if you can't sew!

Diapers I made for a Teeny Tears Donation

A whole stack of diapers ready to be donated.

2. Threads of Love- this organization is a non-profit and they do something similar to Teeny Tears. They provide clothes (such as burial gowns and clothes for NICU babies) as well as hats and blankets to hospitals for bereavement needs as well as NICU needs. I work with my local chapter providing bereavement items of hats, blankets and of course Teeny Tears diapers.

Hats, Blankets and Diapers to be donated. 

A selection of some of the hats, blankets and diapers. 

3. Raindrop Memories- this organization is working to become a Non-profit and has been started by my wonderful friend Elizabeth. Her son passed away at 19 weeks only 2 weeks before my son did and they were due only a few days apart. The goal of Raindrop Memories is to provide items to hospitals for the parents who have lost a child to pregnancy loss. They would like to include books, mementos, blankets, clothes, and Teeny Tears diapers to help soothe a parents hurting soul during this most difficult time.

4. Molly Bears- This non-profit organization provides bears to bereaved families that weight the exact weight of the infant that has died. They provide these bears free of charge to each family that requests one. Each bear is made with that specific child in mind and includes things that the family says reminds them of their baby.

As you can tell most of my organizations are associated with baby loss. I can't help it. Now that I am a member of that "club" it's something that is near and dear to my heart. I love these groups and what they do for hurting families.

When Your Friend Has A Baby

As a mommy who recently (5 1/2 months ago) kissed her baby boy goodbye for the 1st and last time I figured maybe, just maybe, I can share what it's like to have a friend have a baby shortly after you do. I'm not talking acquaintance. I'm talking friend. A person that you spend time with often, you talk to all the time, someone near and dear to you. I have plenty of acquaintances that have had babies since Grant died. I even have quite a few that had baby boys in August, when Grant was supposed to be born. However, I also have a few good friends who have had babies recently or will in the near future. Only one of these friends actually lives in the town that I live in. The others live a few hours away so it's a little different for me with them. The one that lives here I see a few times weekly and talk to all the time.

One of my biggest concerns when we found out that Grant wasn't going to live was how was my friendship with this woman going to survive this? How was I going to be able to celebrate her baby while I mourned mine. Well, here's how. It's not easy. It hurts. However, it needs to be done. It's not her fault that my child died. Her baby is a blessing from God just like Grant is. Therefore, I'm choosing to celebrate her through my tears and pain. It's what a true friend would do and she deserves no less. I do have to say that it did help the pain a little when she found out she was having a girl. Something about knowing I wasn't going to have to watch a baby boy who should be growing up with Grant, grow up without him. They still would have been friends and would have grown up together but at least she wears pink and bows :) My first hurdle was getting through her baby shower. I decided I would help host it. We had talked baby showers before Grant passed away and it was something I wanted to do for her. I made hand-made baby presents so I wouldn't have to look at the registry and could focus on "girly" things. I survived that day with only a few tears, in private, before and after. I knew the next hurdle would be the delivery and visiting her in the hospital. She was delivering at the same hospital I did. There's not much choice around here. I thought her delivery would be in October, it's when she was due. I thought I had time to prepare. That's what I get for thinking. She texted me yesterday morning to let me know her water broke and she was heading to the hospital at 35 weeks. I called her and prayed over her and that baby girl. When I hung up I prayed some more. I prayed for safety. As a mommy who has lost a baby and knows many others who have lost babies and as a Pediatrician I know things can go wrong. I prayed that God would protect that little girl. A little girl I already love. I felt a peace and knew that she was going to be just fine. Then came the time to go to the hospital to visit before the baby came. We went up there last night and I think my husband and I did ok visiting while there. However, I have to admit that I did cry when trying to go to sleep because everyone was laughing and anticipating a healthy baby in that delivery room where the last time I was in a similar room we all had somber faces. Her baby girl was born perfectly healthy at 2:32am this morning. As soon as they told me the time I smiled and cried at the same time. Grant was born at 2:32pm. I felt like it was my little boy saying "hi mommy". I think it's really neat that they share a birth time (even though one is am and one is pm), since they don't get to share anything else. She was also born the month that Grant was supposed to be born. Today has been much more difficult emotionally. We went to see her this afternoon. I knew that I needed to make myself hold her. I knew that it was necessary and it would be hard. I didn't expect the look on my husbands face as I held her though. I don't know what I really expected from him but it wasn't that. He looked so sad again. He initially declined to hold her because it was so hard. Eventually he did hold her, and looked so precious doing so. I wonder if my face looked like his did when he looked upon me holding an infant. It took everything I had not to cry right there. How can one person feel so excited and happy for someone else and so broken for themself at the same time? That's how it is. Happy and excited for her, sad and broken for us. Intense longing to be where they are. Celebrating insetaed of grieving. I truly do think it is a necessary step of healing for me and I'm so so so happy that my friend and her baby are well. August has been a hard month and I'm happy to see it go soon. I'm hoping September is better.

For anyone who read all of that and is in my situation and wondering how they will survive it. Here's my advice. Try your hardest to do what you would have done for them before your loss. Constantly remind  yourself that it's ok to be happy for them and sad for you at the same time. It's ok to walk in your door at home and burst into tears. Heck, it's ok to cry wherever you want! Your friend will understand.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

It's not easy to do but God has taught me so much with this one little verse. Just because I am grieving doesn't mean I can't rejoice with others.

Bybee Happenings

We really enjoyed our trip to Kansas City. It was nice to get away and spend time together and seeing friends. Jonathan starts back to school in a week, which he is excited about. I love that he is excited about school. Have I mentioned how proud of him I am. Well, it's a bunch!

Since coming home I have worked a few shifts and sewn some baby presents. I also helped host my best friend's baby shower. I wasn't sure how I would handle it emotionally but knew I needed to do it. When she told me she was pregnant early this year I was so excited I was jumping up and down. Being pregnant together was so much fun. We started talking about hosting each others showers almost immediately. Then, I lost Grant and she stood by my side. I know that it was scary for her to be only weeks behind me and know that life is so vulnerable. She has been the best friend I could have asked for. I worried that since Grant died and I was mourning the loss of my son that I would have trouble still being a good friend to her since she was still pregnant. I worried that it would hurt too badly to watch her pregnant belly grow while mine didn't any more. However, I made myself face it and talk about her pregnancy and I'm glad I did. I'm just as excited for her now as I was earlier this year and I can't wait to meet her sweet baby girl. When it came time to have her shower I decided I needed to help host it. I knew that it would be really hard but that it is what a friend does. I'm so glad I chose to do so. I had fun helping to make decorations, making her present, and watching my husband (yes my husband) pick out her shower cake. I did have to swallow back a few tears yesterday but I made it through without crying and truly enjoyed most of the day. I call that success!

We are also officially listed with our agency to take foster kids again. I don't want children to need care but I can't wait to have my house full of laughter, and a few fits, again. Hopefully this coming weekend we can finish painting the living room and hanging the pictures and I can show it off! 

We Made It!!!

We have made it past our original due date. The anticipation of the day and the days leading up to yesterday were by far worse than yesterday. It was still a bittersweet day as we were traveling on the road for part of it for a mini get away. I thougt a few times that I should be at home taking care of a new baby or anxiously awaiting his arrival. However, that isn't what we are doing and I am choosing to enjoy my weekend away with Jonathan, even with the moments of sadness. 


I have some truly amazing friends. Some of them I haven't "met" in real life but that doesn't matter. These women who really understand where I am and how I feel are a huge blessing to me. Emails, Facebook messages, blog comments, prayers; Thank You!!!!! To know that I am not walking this road alone means more to me than I have words to express. 


Tonight I will be crossing off another major league baseball stadium from my list. We are going to the Kansas City Royals vs Texas Rangers Game. To top it off there are fireworks after the game! I love road trips, baseball and spending time with my husband!!!!! I'm thanking God for the opportunity to spend this weekend away with the man I love and for the chance to be Grant's Mommy. 

Nose Tingling Days

My nose starts tingling when I'm about to cry. It's been tingling quite a bit the last few days and even more today. Grant's original due date was August 2. That is only 3 days away. I wish I was cuddling with my sweet boy right now or anxiously awaiting his arrival. I am also NOT pregnant, again :( I want to be pregnant again so very badly. Not to replace Grant, but to give him a baby brother or sister. We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of the week to get away and spend some time together. I need to not be at home this week. I miss my baby boy and all that his life promised to bring. A friend who understands where I am said today "I hope your trip is as good as it can be." I responded with a true answer. I said "I know that it will be ok in the end." I can't say how this week is going to go. I have a feeling it will be hard, really hard, but I can't say that for sure. However, I do know that in the end it will be ok. So far on this journey everything has turned out ok in the long run. It doesn't mean that some days aren't gut wrenching sobbing, nausea filled, red eyed days. It just means that I know that God is here and loves me and that in the end it will be ok. I know that one day I will see that sweet face again and until then he is living in splendor and glory.

Unpredictable

My emotions are unpredictable. For the past few weeks I have been having really good days. This makes me happy. Grant's due date is rapidly approaching (Aug 2) and yet I am still able to have good days. However, sometimes, sadness hits without warning. For example, tonight we were at Texas Roadhouse  (yum!) for dinner and a lady with a huge pregnant belly walked in. Instantly I thought of what I would likely look like right now if I were 38 weeks pregnant and instantly I got sad. So sad I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Tears streaming down my face in public doesn't happen all that often anymore but today it did. I'm generally not jealous of other pregnant bellies. I used to be, back when I was struggling with infertility. I would often think "I wish that were me" and be jealous. Now, I just think "I want to be pregnant again" with out the jealousy. I also think "I sure hope their baby is healthy." A good friend of mine who's son died at 21 weeks a few years ago has been so helpful. She is always encouraging and it is so nice to see her with her two healthy boys after her loss. This week she let me talk about how I am feeling and I knew she understood. She "got it". Thank you for listening to me :). I wish I could predict my emotions better. I don't like crying in public and feeling so vulnerable. I know that the next few weeks will likely have lots more days where I shed tears and I know that it is ok to do so. I miss my baby boy, always will. However, I am so so thankful for his life. I try to remind myself that August 2nd is no longer a super important date. Yes, it will always have meaning but March 23 is the day to remember now, just like if he had been born on any day besides his due date and had been healthy. I also try to remind myself when I see babies who were born around the same time as him that he wouldn't be doing what they are doing. He was too premature and didn't have lungs develop.

Under Construction

Me. My house. Me.

I figured under construction was a good title for this post. Ever since March 8 and the ultrasound that sent us on this path I have felt like I am under construction. Being broken down so I can be built back up into something better, someone better. Very much like the potter and the clay. I'm most definitely the clay with the only potter I'm willing to have build me back up being God. I'm still under construction. I don't have the slightest idea what the finished product will look like and I have finally accepted that I don't need to know that. All I need to do is have faith that the potter knows and has a vision per se and trust that that vision is so much better than I can imagine. In church yesterday we talked about knowing something that we are destined to do or are supposed to be involved in and yet we can't see how that is ever supposed to happen based on where we are today. I totally get it! We are supposed to be parents to multiple children that we will raise into adulthood. However, we currently have no children living in our home and don't know when we will again. We have no idea when God will place these children with us, yet we are trusting He will. We are praying with purpose, confidence and believing that God will do this.

Our house is under construction too. We are currently repainting the living room/dining room and hall. I will do a post of the make over when it is complete. I love having this project to work on during the times I don't have a whole lot going on right now. It keeps me from dwelling on the what should have beens. I'm excited to see the finished product. I love the paint color. My hubby has a great eye for picking out paint color and decorating stuff. He's also a great helper on projects.

My heart is under construction as the hundreds of tiny pieces that it shattered into when our son died are being put back together. I am starting to think it will be something like a mosaic or stained glass window. So much more beautiful put together as pieces than as a solid piece.

Outta My Mind

Music has never really been "my thing". I have no musical talent whats-so-ever. However, certain songs in the past have touched me and been special. Ever since Grant's diagnosis and then death music has been more of a constant in my life. It allows me to express my feelings through other's words. It allows me to praise God in the hardest of times. This song has really spoken to me lately. I've heard it countless times on the radio but have just recently started really listening to the words. I've always struggled with looking at other people's lives thinking "when is it going to be my turn?" "When are we going to get to be forever parents?" Well, now that I have lost my son and I am a forever mom to a baby in heaven and I may or may not ever be a forever mom to a child here on earth (since I'm not the one that decides that), I have to keep myself from thinking that way. All that thinking that way gets me is frustrated and disappointed and jealous. Those aren't things that God has for me. Hence, the reason this song speaks to me.

The song is "Outta My Mind" by Anthem Lights. Here are the lyrics followed by a you-tube video.

"Outta My Mind"

Feelin’ like I got a front row seat to watch everybody be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face, it’s so hard to not complain
Gotta try not to say
O God, what about me
‘Cause I know that’s not the way that I’m supposed to be

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

There's a bigger picture on display and it's starting to come in focus
Causing me to see to see the ones in need outside my little world
Gotta try, just to say
O God, what can I do
Doesn't matter what it takes, I wanna lead them all to You

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

If anybody asks me what have I been up to
This is what I'm gonna say
I've been spending my time, outta my mind
And I'm really lovin’ livin’ this way
[x2]

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Get me outta my mind
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

This evening we are going to dinner with friends of ours to celebrate birthdays. I love these people like family and they are some of the best friends Jonathan has and he considers them family. However, I am really nervous about going. There will be 2 babies there. 1 is a one year old little girl that I have seen multiple times. One is a new baby boy who was born the day before Grant's memorial service. We prayed for this couple to have this baby (they had infertility too), and he was born premature while his mommy was really sick. However, I had dreams that their son and our son would grow up being friends (just like their daddies). I'm scared that I'm going to break down and lose it in front of everyone. I think I will have to have this song and a few others on repeat in my head. 

Blog Therapy

Today I am linking up to Tesha's here: Tesha's Blog Hop She posed the question about is blogging helpful for grief?

Here is my take on it................YES!!!!!!
Blogging about our loss, our journey through this, and how God is bringing us through has been so immensely helpful. It has allowed me to express my feelings openly when I didn't think I could find the words. It has allowed me to say things that I don't think at the time I could have verbalized. It has allowed my friends and family to really understand how I'm feeling even though I often times say we are doing just fine. Most of the time now I am doing ok. Most days are good days, but some days are still really bad days and this blog allows me to convey that. I also love that it allows me to connect to other mommies just like me. Us mommies who have lost babies often times feel very alone in this great big world and it is so nice to have friends who understand and will come beside you on those really hard days and encourage and pray for you. Real life friends and family are great and I wouldn't trade mine for anything but my blog friends who know exactly what I'm feeling are a blessing from God. Journaling our life has been so therapeutic for me. Often times in the beginning I would pick up the computer when I NEEDED to express my feelings and write as tears splashed on my keyboard. When I was done writing I would already feel better and have a new perspective. I agree that continually reading other peoples blogs where they are constantly in their darkest days can be very dangerous for a person who is still struggling. It's ok to be constantly in the dark for a time, most of us felt that way for some period of time, and as someone who has come from there it is nice to be able to go to those people and encourage them and see where I have been. I love reading blogs of other mommies who are ahead of me on my journey. Blogs where they are happy again and have incorporated their baby into their family beautifully even though they still miss them. They give me hope of what I have ahead of me. I really hope to make some of my blog friends "in real life friends" one day. These women have been an incredible support system for me and others, truly a gift from God.

Why is grief so taboo? Especially baby loss? Is it because it makes other's uncomfortable? Is it because people don't even want to acknowledge that babies die because that is so innately wrong? Whatever the answer is I hope that by mine and my friends blogging things will change for others. I hope that society will see that those that lose a child will never "get over it". That we may always be a different person because of our loss and that is ok. That sometimes, even years after our loss, something will remind us of the pain of our loss and we will gasp for breath in pain again. I pray that people will come to my blog and see that it isn't me that is strong, it is my God. It isn't my power or abilities that is getting me step by step further down this path. That is all my God's doing and for that I am so grateful.