The Sad with The Happy

I'm going to be honest in this post. It's about being sad while being happy, something that may make absolutely no sense to some but others will completely understand what I'm saying. I'm not trying to whine, just be honest so that people understand what it's like to have things turn out not how you planned and what it's like to have a baby after a loss.

I am 100% totally in love with Amelia. I am thrilled that she is here and healthy. She is beautiful and perfect and amazing and I can't believe she is mine. I am sad that Grant isn't here with her. Sometimes when I go to nurse her in the middle of the night I get tears in my eyes as a thought enters my mind that it is something I never got with him. I look at her sweet little face where her nose is exactly like his and remember how amazing he was and wish he were here too.

I had a c-section. Not something I planned or wanted. It was necessary to get her here safely and I am thankful for the ability of my OB and hospital to detect problems and intervene before they become serious. I am thankful that she is here safely. I'm sad that I had to have a c-section. I had wanted a 100% natural, un-medicated birth. Not because I thought that women who chose otherwise are "less" of a mom, but because it was what I thought was best for me and her. However, I ended up getting an epidural because I wasn't progressing despite time and effort and I needed rest. I don't regret that decision for a minute. I'm sad that I didn't get to have the birth that I wanted for us. I wanted to have my crying, screaming, alive baby handed straight to me after she was born and placed on my chest so I could hold her close. Instead my OB pulled her from my womb and I got a short glance at her before she was taken to a warmer surrounded by strangers who were making sure she was ok. Her daddy got to go stand by her and take some pictures of her beautiful face but I missed all of it. I then got to "hold her" a little while I was still laying on the operating table, kiss her sweet face, look in my husband's eyes and marvel at her. This only lasted a couple of short minutes before I gave her to Jonathan and he was taking her to the other room where it was warmer.  They had him carry her to our room where my mom and sister waited. I didn't get to see her meet them for the first time. I got taken back to our room a few minutes later. The nurses were helping get her cleaned up and I had them bathe her. I wanted to but I was shaking so badly from side effects of the epidural and was in so much pain from my c-section that I was afraid of dropping her. I was so groggy from pain medicine that I kept dozing off and don't remember much about them bathing her. I am sad about this. I'm sad that I missed so many of her "firsts". I can't get those back. Then, because of all of the chaos we don't have a family picture of us that day, or any day in the hospital for that matter. I've missed out on so many things with Grant because he isn't here and then I missed out on things with her too. Something I wasn't ready for.

I am so incredibly happy to have her here. I LOVE being her mommy. She is amazing and perfect and everything I imagined her to be plus some.

Complications

It seems that if something can go wrong it will with doctors and their health. I don't know why that is but it's annoying. I'm typing this on my iPad as I hold my sweet baby and sit in a hospital bed. I got admitted back to the hospital Friday night with an almost 103 fever from an infection in the lining of my uterus. I'm feeling better today and haven't had a fever since early Saturday morning so hopefully I can go home this afternoon. I'm so thankful for hospitals and medicine. This is why so many women used to die during and after childbirth, however I will be fine. I'm also thankful for a hospital that allows my baby to stay with me to promote breast feeding and my husband to stay as well. Taking care of an almost 2 week old while sick and in the hospital has been hard but we are making it.

Frozen Yogurt With a Friend

Last week I met a good friend to chat and enjoy some frozen yogurt. I love anything "ice cream" and that love is even more while I'm pregnant. This friend understands me so so well. She too lost a son just last year. She even just had another baby this past spring, almost exactly 1 year after she lost her son. We don't get to hang out often enough because life is busy but when we do it is so amazing. I love spending time with her and sharing life together. We hung out and chatted for a few hours and it was nice to be able to openly talk about the fear that comes along with being pregnant after a loss. This pregnancy has gone so well. Amelia is healthy and so am I but I am still scared that something could go wrong. I told myself at the beginning of this pregnancy that I would thank God for everyday that I get with this baby and that is exactly what I do. I am not guaranteed tomorrow and I am determined to be thankful for today. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how badly something hurts, I am so so thankful for this time with her. Feeling her squirm and wiggle is the greatest reminder that there is life growing inside of me and that I am blessed.

I think that we've handled the stress/anxiety of pregnancy after loss pretty well. I have my moments where I begin to freak out that something is wrong with her if she doesn't move as much as I think she should but I am able to calm myself down by talking with God and sometimes calling my OB. Can I just say that my OB is the best doctor any woman could ever ask for? She is AMAZING! I seriously love her. She has been so understanding this whole pregnancy and has offered to do more monitoring anytime I am nervous. Our Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist has done more ultrasounds than normal because he knows that it will make me feel better to know that she is ok. Our team of doctors is wonderful and I am so thankful to have such caring people on our side.

I am so looking forward to the day that I will hear this little girl cry for the first time and see her sweet face. I am also a little scared. I don't know what to expect with my emotions. I know the day will be bitter-sweet. I know that the future will be bitter-sweet at times also. I miss Grant all the time and wish he was here but if he was here this little girl wouldn't be. It is such a conflicting feeling.

A Little Bit of Everything

I've been gone from here for a while. Life is so crazy busy right now and I am exhausted at the end of most days. I'm going to do a bullet point type post today to update and then I will try to keep this thing updated.

- I am now 31 weeks and 1 day pregnant with Amelia Kathryn. She is doing wonderfully and is growing well. At my appointment last week I was measuring about 2 1/2 weeks ahead. We know she is measuring quite long on ultrasound and have another ultrasound scheduled for July. I am going to the doctor every 2 weeks now and love hearing her heartbeat. That sound never gets old.

- I have my next baby shower this coming Saturday and we are so excited.

- Work is going well but man am I tired at the end of each week. Working nights is always exhausting by the end of the week but now I feel like I could sleep for days come Saturday morning. I go back to work tonight. As of right now I plan on working until I go into labor or my last shift that is scheduled 2 days before my due date. I want all of my time off to be with my sweet girl.

- Jonathan is taking summer school this summer and is taking about 7 hours. He is taking 20 hours in the fall! I'm so proud of how hard he is working to get done. Only 3 more full semesters and he will have his college degree!

- We got to spend the weekend with Destiny and Adrik this weekend. We picked them up on Thursday night and took them home on Sunday. It was so much fun getting to hang out with them for the whole weekend. We realize that we are blessed to still have this relationship with them and to continue to build a relationship with their parents. We went bowling, to the water park, saw Monsters University and hung out at home. We were really busy but had so much fun. I realized today that I didn't take a single picture this weekend but we were so busy enjoying time with them I didn't even think about it.

- My mom came down this weekend also. I loved getting to spend some time with her. We stayed up too late at night and got up too early in the morning but it was nice to sit and talk. On Sunday she helped Jonathan hang the curtain rod in Amelia's room. We also arranged the furniture the way we wanted and put her rug down. Soon I will have her room put together and organized and then I will show it off!

- We paid someone to paint a mural on Amelia's wall recently and I LOVE IT! It is so sweet and I will show it off when I show pictures of her completed room.

- I have made a to do list of things I need to get done before she arrives and last week I was able to cross off a few things. Mostly the ones crossed off are things I am making for her. I still have a few things to sew and hope to work on them this week.

I think that's it. I'll make sure to take pictures of the things I've made for her room and for her and do a post of those soon. I'll also do a combined baby shower post after this weekend.

First Baby Shower

We celebrated Amelia this past Saturday at our first baby shower. Some of my really good friends from here hosted it and it was amazing. Lots of great friends came to celebrate with us and pour out their love on us and Amelia. My Mom and Dad drove down for the day so my Mom could go to the shower with me. My sister missed out because she was vacationing in Hawaii (I was actually a little jealous of her). We got lots of good presents for Amelia and most of all I had a great time celebrating this baby with great friends.

I only cried twice during the shower. Both times were when someone gave me something that said "Little Sister" on it. They weren't really sad tears or happy tears. It makes me so happy to have friends acknowledge that Amelia is in fact a little sister. The day was a little sad also, knowing that this is one more thing that I didn't get to do with Grant. It was mostly a wonderfully happy day full of celebration.

I'll post some pictures once I get them uploaded to the computer.

Amelia is Growing

We had another doctor appointment today and Amelia is growing perfectly. I actually lost a pound, woohoo!, likely because in the last few weeks I have had a stomach bug twice (boo). I know you aren't supposed to lose weight while pregnant but for a chubby girl it's actually not a bad deal. As long as Amelia is growing my doctor said it's just fine :) Don't worry, I don't plan on dieting.

Today was a great day for another reason. Jonathan felt her move for the first time. It was amazing! She moves like crazy but is quite ornery and will stop when I call him over to feel her. We start our every 2 week appointments now and have another ultrasound next month. Yay for healthy baby and healthy mommy.

Busy Busy Busy

It seems like my to do list just keeps getting longer even though we have been really busy lately. Jonathan and my mom painted Amelia's room and our master bedroom a few weekends ago. I'll post pictures when things are complete. Our room still needs some artwork for the walls and we need to find curtains for the windows. I really like the new colors in there though. Amelia's room needs a touch up coat of paint and in a few weeks a woman is coming to paint a mural on one of her walls. I can't wait to see the finished product. This week I need to finish painting her dresser and start painting her bookshelf. When those are done I will be done painting (hopefully). We are also going to paint the guest room this week so we can trade beds with my mom this coming weekend. In a few weeks we will be getting new floors and I can't wait to start setting up Amelia's room. Things are really starting to come together. It seems like August 25th is still a really long time from now but it also seems like it is coming up incredibly fast. I can't wait to see this baby girl and hold her. We are also in the process of buying the house we currently live in. Hopefully we will close on it in the next couple of weeks so we can get started on the floors. Ahhh, so much to do!

Where I Am

Today I am 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my second baby, Amelia Kathryn. That is 9 days longer than I had with my firstborn, Grant Oliver. I am treasuring every single minute of this pregnancy because I know that it could be over in the blink of an eye. However, I am also proceeding with caution because of past events. I lay awake at night talking to God. Thanking Him for each day I have with her. Praising him for allowing me to be a mommy again. Praying to Him that he would please please protect this little one and allow us to see her grow up. Thanking Him for the time I had with Grant and the things that my little boy has taught me about life, such as treasuring every moment with his little sister. Some days it takes my breath away that I have passed the time that I had with him and that I now have had her longer. Some days I miss him so incredibly much. Like when I'm lying in bed talking to God and she is kicking away. I miss his little kicks, but love feeling hers at the same time. It's such a mixed bag of emotions, pregnancy after a loss. Most days are joyful with anticipation of meeting this little girl who I have a feeling will be long just like her brother. Some moments (not days) are sad when I think of what I missed with him or how I wish I could have experienced this milestone with him.

I'm now pregnant enough that people can definitely tell and are asking me when I am due and if this is my first baby. That question is always so hard for me. If they are a stranger passing me in Target then the answer is usually yes, that she is my first. If I say that she isn't my first then the questions follow as to how old my other children are and how am I supposed to explain that to perfect strangers. However, if I will have the chance of interacting with these people again, the answer is no and I tell them about Grant. Oftentimes this is followed by looks of pity as well as a look on their face of "I should have kept my mouth shut". Oh well, he's my son and I will tell you about him if we are going to be just acquaintances.

Here are some pictures from our recent vacation to Colorado. We went to Pikes Peak one day. Wow, it was cold and so beautiful!

Amelia Update

I had a standard OB appointment today and all went well! Amelia's heartbeat was in the 140s and sounded amazing as always. I've really felt her kicking quite a lot in the last couple of days and it is so amazing. She is measuring abou a week and a half to 2 weeks ahead which is consistent with our ultrasound a few weeks ago. Then her length is the only thing that was measuring ahead which is still likely the case. Grant was almost 2 inches longer than the average baby at his gestational age. We go back in about 3 weeks!

Fear

I'm going to be honest. A pregnancy after loss is filled with fear. I'm a pediatrician so I knew a great deal of things could go wrong before we lost Grant. However, I was still innocent in my own pregnancy brain. Now, I'm not! I'm scared. Not all the time but often. Amelia looked perfectly healthy on ultrasound so we know that she has two functioning kidneys, a nice sized bladder and plenty of amniotic fluid. She doesn't have what Grant did and for that we are thankful. However, that doesn't mean that I'm 100% guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl in August. Since we lost Grant last spring I have become friends with many women who have lost babies that were part of a seemingly perfectly healthy pregnancy. I know that there are no guarantees in this life and that I should trust God, and I do trust Him, but I am still scared for my baby. I am sometimes haunted by nightmares of losing her. They are all different so far, but all seem just as real and all cause me not to be able to go back to sleep because of the fear. I lay in bed reciting scripture which helps calm me down but doesn't bring sleep. I am so thankful for my friends who have experienced healthy pregnancy after loss and those that are walking the road with me right now. The prayers and support they offer is such a relief. They truly get it. We go back to the doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to hear the amazing sound of her heart beating loud and clear.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Grant Is A Big Brother!!!!

It's a GIRL!!!! Amelia Kathryn Bybee is set to arrive August 25, 2013. We are so very excited to welcome this new little one into our family!!! This pregnancy brings strong emotions of missing Grant and being incredibly happy to have a baby sister for him. Here are some pictures announcing the gender!!! She is perfect in every way according to the doctor. All we wanted was a healthy baby!

Starting Round 2 of Treatments

If you don't want to read the details of my fertility treatments skip this post :) I record them so I can look back and remember what I have done and hopefully one day celebrate success.

Well, the last round made me ovulate but we aren't pregnant. I actually ovulated without the shot of hCG and my progesterone level was 32.7 (which they want it over 20 so it was good). So here we go again. We are doing the same exact thing as last time. Clomid + Femara + Metformin and likely + a shot of hCG after an ultrasound to confirm I will ovulate. For those who are curious they draw the progesterone level about a week after I ovulate to make sure that the corpus luteum (the remnant of where the egg was) is healthy and will sustain a pregnancy until the egg implants into the uterus and starts producing it's own hormones. I'm really bummed that I'm not pregnant this month. I was hoping that this time around would be easier. Oh well. We will keep trying. We know this combination of medications works to make me ovulate, now we just need to get pregnant with a healthy baby.

Next week should be interesting as I will be on all of these hormones, working nights, and caring for 2 toddlers during the day since we don't have them in daycare yet. Please pray that with God's help I won't be overly emotional and will be able to still be a good wife and mom. We desperately want to add to our family and make Grant a big brother.

Burst Bubble

My bubble has burst. My innocence bubble and my hope that my body may actually do something right bubble. After I delivered Grant I was told my cycles would resume in no more than 6 weeks. They were right. I didn't really expect them to keep cycling regularly though since they have never really done that before without medical intervention. I was instructed to start taking my metformin again for my PCOS, so I did. Lo and behold a month later another cycle without further medications. I was slightly sad that I wasn't pregnant again but I was actually happy that my body was doing what it was supposed to. I thought that hey, maybe being pregnant had kicked my hormones into gear. Jonathan and I had talked about how long we wanted to try to get pregnant on our own before we would be comfortable going back to the fertility guy, Dr. W. We decided that if we hadn't been successful by October we would go back. Fast-forward to the end of August. My cycle came again as it had done 4 times before without medication. I was disappointed and frustrated that I wasn't pregnant again. I called Dr. W to schedule an appointment thinking it would take me about a month to get in since I hadn't been there since last November. Not so. I had an appointment for today. It actually worked out perfectly. I should be mid-cycle today so I should be ovulating soon and they would be able to see it on ultrasound and confirm that my body was doing what it was supposed to. NOOOOOO. My body has apparently been fooling me all this time. My ultrasound showed absolutely nothing going on besides my PCOS. I was so flabbergasted and mad at my own body. How could it have tricked me like this? So, here we go again with hormones and an injection at the end. I'm really frustrated, and pretty sad, right now. I really didn't want to have to go down this path again. The medications make me feel terrible (and not so nice). It's just frustrating (have I said that already, sorry). I really hope that this works quickly this time. We are ready to welcome a baby home. Dr. W is starting me on the same medications and same dose that I took when I got pregnant with Grant. No need to re-invent the wheel. So, for my records, I will be taking 200mg of Clomid for 7 days along with 2.5mg of Femara the first 5 days. I will also have an injection of HCG at the end of it all to stimulate ovulation. I will start taking the medications on Friday.

Please let this work quickly and end in a healthy baby being brought home with us. 

Nose Tingling Days

My nose starts tingling when I'm about to cry. It's been tingling quite a bit the last few days and even more today. Grant's original due date was August 2. That is only 3 days away. I wish I was cuddling with my sweet boy right now or anxiously awaiting his arrival. I am also NOT pregnant, again :( I want to be pregnant again so very badly. Not to replace Grant, but to give him a baby brother or sister. We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of the week to get away and spend some time together. I need to not be at home this week. I miss my baby boy and all that his life promised to bring. A friend who understands where I am said today "I hope your trip is as good as it can be." I responded with a true answer. I said "I know that it will be ok in the end." I can't say how this week is going to go. I have a feeling it will be hard, really hard, but I can't say that for sure. However, I do know that in the end it will be ok. So far on this journey everything has turned out ok in the long run. It doesn't mean that some days aren't gut wrenching sobbing, nausea filled, red eyed days. It just means that I know that God is here and loves me and that in the end it will be ok. I know that one day I will see that sweet face again and until then he is living in splendor and glory.

Answers

Thursday May 24, 2 months and 1 day after saying goodbye to Grant, we went to the geneticist to get the results of his tests and autopsy. We chose to have these done so we could possibly have answers as to a cause of his severe oligohydramnios (lack of amniotic fluid) and see if there was a chance for it recurring in future pregnancies. Our Geneticist is amazing. I work with her quite often and her bedside manner and empathy are wonderful. She actually came to examine Grant the day he was born and ordered all of the tests so our appointment was only to discuss the results. We learned that Grant had normal chromosomes and no gene defects. This means that there isn't a genetic cause for what happened, which is good. It means that the chances of it happening again are the same as it happening the first time. His autopsy confirmed what his ultrasounds showed us. He had severe oligohydraminos on ultrasound with a distended bladder and enlarged kidneys. He also had only 1 umbilical artery (which can sometimes correlate with renal issues). His autopsy showed that his kidneys were normally formed but slightly distended from urine back up. His bladder was very distended and thickened from being stretched so much. There wasn't a bladder outlet, meaning no way for urine to leave his body. While he was forming something didn't form correctly from his bladder to the outside of his body. Urine makes up most of the amniotic fluid so since it wasn't getting out he didn't have any. Amniotic fluid helps make lungs. His lungs on autopsy were only about 1/4-1/5 of the size they should have been for his gestational age. All of this together equals him having something called Prune Belly Syndrome. The chances of having a baby with this are 1/40,000-1/50,000. These odds don't seem all that high to me now but obviously it's pretty rare. Not all children with Prune Belly Syndrome have such severe oligohydramnios and some are able to survive pregnancy and outside of the womb. Grant however would have never made it. His lungs wouldn't have developed much more and he wouldn't have been able to breathe. Getting the results of his tests actually brought a sense of peace and closure.

Knowing that he didn't have a genetic cause makes me a little more comfortable deciding to try again. However, I'm still really scared. 1/40,000 odds are pretty good, unless you have already been the 1/40,000 and then it feels like 1/1 odds. Lots of moms and dads who have lost babies know how we feel as we embark on this journey to try again. I've lost the innocence of pregnancy. I know that if we ever get pregnant again I am most likely going to have a hard time being really excited until after my big ultrasound. This makes me sad. I loved being pregnant with Grant, even early on when I had morning sickness, but I'm afraid my next pregnancy is going to be covered with fear until I know things are ok. I'm also scared that it is going to take us another 3 years to get pregnant, but hopefully not. Hopefully things will go a little faster this time and we can soon welcome a healthy baby into our home.