Where I Am

Today I am 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my second baby, Amelia Kathryn. That is 9 days longer than I had with my firstborn, Grant Oliver. I am treasuring every single minute of this pregnancy because I know that it could be over in the blink of an eye. However, I am also proceeding with caution because of past events. I lay awake at night talking to God. Thanking Him for each day I have with her. Praising him for allowing me to be a mommy again. Praying to Him that he would please please protect this little one and allow us to see her grow up. Thanking Him for the time I had with Grant and the things that my little boy has taught me about life, such as treasuring every moment with his little sister. Some days it takes my breath away that I have passed the time that I had with him and that I now have had her longer. Some days I miss him so incredibly much. Like when I'm lying in bed talking to God and she is kicking away. I miss his little kicks, but love feeling hers at the same time. It's such a mixed bag of emotions, pregnancy after a loss. Most days are joyful with anticipation of meeting this little girl who I have a feeling will be long just like her brother. Some moments (not days) are sad when I think of what I missed with him or how I wish I could have experienced this milestone with him.

I'm now pregnant enough that people can definitely tell and are asking me when I am due and if this is my first baby. That question is always so hard for me. If they are a stranger passing me in Target then the answer is usually yes, that she is my first. If I say that she isn't my first then the questions follow as to how old my other children are and how am I supposed to explain that to perfect strangers. However, if I will have the chance of interacting with these people again, the answer is no and I tell them about Grant. Oftentimes this is followed by looks of pity as well as a look on their face of "I should have kept my mouth shut". Oh well, he's my son and I will tell you about him if we are going to be just acquaintances.

Here are some pictures from our recent vacation to Colorado. We went to Pikes Peak one day. Wow, it was cold and so beautiful!

Amelia Update

I had a standard OB appointment today and all went well! Amelia's heartbeat was in the 140s and sounded amazing as always. I've really felt her kicking quite a lot in the last couple of days and it is so amazing. She is measuring abou a week and a half to 2 weeks ahead which is consistent with our ultrasound a few weeks ago. Then her length is the only thing that was measuring ahead which is still likely the case. Grant was almost 2 inches longer than the average baby at his gestational age. We go back in about 3 weeks!

Fear

I'm going to be honest. A pregnancy after loss is filled with fear. I'm a pediatrician so I knew a great deal of things could go wrong before we lost Grant. However, I was still innocent in my own pregnancy brain. Now, I'm not! I'm scared. Not all the time but often. Amelia looked perfectly healthy on ultrasound so we know that she has two functioning kidneys, a nice sized bladder and plenty of amniotic fluid. She doesn't have what Grant did and for that we are thankful. However, that doesn't mean that I'm 100% guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl in August. Since we lost Grant last spring I have become friends with many women who have lost babies that were part of a seemingly perfectly healthy pregnancy. I know that there are no guarantees in this life and that I should trust God, and I do trust Him, but I am still scared for my baby. I am sometimes haunted by nightmares of losing her. They are all different so far, but all seem just as real and all cause me not to be able to go back to sleep because of the fear. I lay in bed reciting scripture which helps calm me down but doesn't bring sleep. I am so thankful for my friends who have experienced healthy pregnancy after loss and those that are walking the road with me right now. The prayers and support they offer is such a relief. They truly get it. We go back to the doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to hear the amazing sound of her heart beating loud and clear.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Grant Is A Big Brother!!!!

It's a GIRL!!!! Amelia Kathryn Bybee is set to arrive August 25, 2013. We are so very excited to welcome this new little one into our family!!! This pregnancy brings strong emotions of missing Grant and being incredibly happy to have a baby sister for him. Here are some pictures announcing the gender!!! She is perfect in every way according to the doctor. All we wanted was a healthy baby!

Happy 1st Birthday Grant

Today is Grant's first birthday. I can't believe it's been an entire year since I held him and kissed his sweet face. I still miss my boy tremendously but it doesn't hurt as much as those first few days, weeks and months. I know that his birthday party in Heaven today is much more than I could have ever given him here on this Earth.

Grant,
You made me a Mommy and have made me such a better person. You have touched so many lives and hearts. I prayed that your little life would never be forgotten and that you had a purpose and God answered my prayers. You have allowed us to help other hurting families. You have allowed others to do the same, all because you were here and so so special. I love you my little monkey. Always have and always will. Your Daddy and I know pain that is more than we ever imagined but we know joy that much more now too.

We have some wonderful friends and family. We have received a few gifts and a few pictures/videos of people honoring Grant's birthday. To those of you who have sent those, a huge thank you. It is such  a blessing to know that you are remembering him with us on his special day.

I am so very thankful for the promise of Heaven and spending eternity with my son. A day on this earth is so small in comparison to eternity in Heaven.

Happy Birthday Grant! We Love You!

Just Over A Year Ago

It's been just over a year since our big ultrasound with Grant. The day that we learned of his diagnosis and that we would never be bringing him home with us. That day, March 8 of 2012, is burned in my mind. I can still see the doctor's face. I can still feel my heart being ripped in two. It rained that day. It just so happened that it rained on this March 8th as well. It seemed so fitting that it was raining and cold once again, just like that day last year. We have come so far in a year. I think of him every day but I don't cry for him every day anymore. His first birthday is rapidly approaching and thinking of it sometimes makes me smile and sometimes makes me wince.

Grant's life has changed so many people, including us, for the better. He has impacted so many families. I am so thankful that his short life has such an amazing purpose and that God is continuing to show His plan for my son and us. We donated diapers, hats, blankets and some sleepers to a local hospital in September. It was supposed to be enough supplies to meet their needs for a year. However, I received a very touching email from the bereavement director there yesterday that says they are almost out of our gifts. She included how touched families have been to receive these gifts that we made especially for them. We will be delivering more supplies to them soon. I am also trying to make a donation to my hospital here by Grant's first birthday but finding time to sew lately has been interesting. Hopefully I will be able to complete everything I want before March 23rd.

Dissapointment Again

J and K are no longer coming to our home. We had been officially chosen for them, however it was not a guarantee. It doesn't mean we didn't get our hopes up that they would be our forever children. Some things came up after we were selected that I can't share but it was decided that our home isn't what is best for them. I pray that they find their forever family and are able to live a life knowing that they are loved and cherished.