Nose Tingling Days

My nose starts tingling when I'm about to cry. It's been tingling quite a bit the last few days and even more today. Grant's original due date was August 2. That is only 3 days away. I wish I was cuddling with my sweet boy right now or anxiously awaiting his arrival. I am also NOT pregnant, again :( I want to be pregnant again so very badly. Not to replace Grant, but to give him a baby brother or sister. We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of the week to get away and spend some time together. I need to not be at home this week. I miss my baby boy and all that his life promised to bring. A friend who understands where I am said today "I hope your trip is as good as it can be." I responded with a true answer. I said "I know that it will be ok in the end." I can't say how this week is going to go. I have a feeling it will be hard, really hard, but I can't say that for sure. However, I do know that in the end it will be ok. So far on this journey everything has turned out ok in the long run. It doesn't mean that some days aren't gut wrenching sobbing, nausea filled, red eyed days. It just means that I know that God is here and loves me and that in the end it will be ok. I know that one day I will see that sweet face again and until then he is living in splendor and glory.

Thankful Thursday #8

We have been blessed this week.
1. Thankful for random greeting cards from people 4 months later saying they remember Grant and are thinking of us
2. Thankful for text messages from friends
3. Thankful for Tylenol and Popsicles while I have one of the worst sore throats of my life
4. Thankful for a husband who goes and gets said Tylenol and antibiotics while I'm feeling crummy
5. Thankful for my ability to make baby presents so I don't have to go in the baby section of stores.

4 Months

Happy 4 Months in Heaven Baby Boy!!!!

Today we got something in the mail for you. Your urn came in and it is perfect for you. I love that we got it today, on your 4 month birthday. It just makes it that much more special. We love you sweet boy.

Unpredictable

My emotions are unpredictable. For the past few weeks I have been having really good days. This makes me happy. Grant's due date is rapidly approaching (Aug 2) and yet I am still able to have good days. However, sometimes, sadness hits without warning. For example, tonight we were at Texas Roadhouse  (yum!) for dinner and a lady with a huge pregnant belly walked in. Instantly I thought of what I would likely look like right now if I were 38 weeks pregnant and instantly I got sad. So sad I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Tears streaming down my face in public doesn't happen all that often anymore but today it did. I'm generally not jealous of other pregnant bellies. I used to be, back when I was struggling with infertility. I would often think "I wish that were me" and be jealous. Now, I just think "I want to be pregnant again" with out the jealousy. I also think "I sure hope their baby is healthy." A good friend of mine who's son died at 21 weeks a few years ago has been so helpful. She is always encouraging and it is so nice to see her with her two healthy boys after her loss. This week she let me talk about how I am feeling and I knew she understood. She "got it". Thank you for listening to me :). I wish I could predict my emotions better. I don't like crying in public and feeling so vulnerable. I know that the next few weeks will likely have lots more days where I shed tears and I know that it is ok to do so. I miss my baby boy, always will. However, I am so so thankful for his life. I try to remind myself that August 2nd is no longer a super important date. Yes, it will always have meaning but March 23 is the day to remember now, just like if he had been born on any day besides his due date and had been healthy. I also try to remind myself when I see babies who were born around the same time as him that he wouldn't be doing what they are doing. He was too premature and didn't have lungs develop.

Under Construction

Me. My house. Me.

I figured under construction was a good title for this post. Ever since March 8 and the ultrasound that sent us on this path I have felt like I am under construction. Being broken down so I can be built back up into something better, someone better. Very much like the potter and the clay. I'm most definitely the clay with the only potter I'm willing to have build me back up being God. I'm still under construction. I don't have the slightest idea what the finished product will look like and I have finally accepted that I don't need to know that. All I need to do is have faith that the potter knows and has a vision per se and trust that that vision is so much better than I can imagine. In church yesterday we talked about knowing something that we are destined to do or are supposed to be involved in and yet we can't see how that is ever supposed to happen based on where we are today. I totally get it! We are supposed to be parents to multiple children that we will raise into adulthood. However, we currently have no children living in our home and don't know when we will again. We have no idea when God will place these children with us, yet we are trusting He will. We are praying with purpose, confidence and believing that God will do this.

Our house is under construction too. We are currently repainting the living room/dining room and hall. I will do a post of the make over when it is complete. I love having this project to work on during the times I don't have a whole lot going on right now. It keeps me from dwelling on the what should have beens. I'm excited to see the finished product. I love the paint color. My hubby has a great eye for picking out paint color and decorating stuff. He's also a great helper on projects.

My heart is under construction as the hundreds of tiny pieces that it shattered into when our son died are being put back together. I am starting to think it will be something like a mosaic or stained glass window. So much more beautiful put together as pieces than as a solid piece.

Thankful Thursday #7

1. Thankful that my sweet friend Amanda's baby boy Liam was born full term and healthy today after being on bed rest since 14 weeks. She is a miracle as are both of her precious babies! You can follow her story here: Ardill Family

2. My best friend Allie is 28 almost 29 weeks pregnant. We were enjoying being pregnant together until Grant was born, however she has continued to be a super supportive and understanding friend. I love her like a sister and am thankful for her healthy pregnancy.

3. My job. I love my job and the lives I get to help.

4. The ability to exercise. I have to say that I traditionally hate exercising. However, Jonathan and I are on a quest to get healthier and I have found that I enjoy swimming laps. I don't know that I've lost any weight but my clothes fit better and I feel better.

5. The ability to grieve knowing that one day I will see my sweet baby again because of the wonderfulness of my God. I am sad. Some days are still really really hard. I wish I was finishing nesting and would be bringing home my sweet baby in a few weeks but I'm not. I am thankful for the time I had with him and the wonder he brought to our lives. I am more thankful that one day I will get to spend eternity with him.

Happy Birthday Jonathan!!!

This post is a few days late since we were celebrating in Dallas on his birthday. Jonathan celebrated his 31st birthday on July 7!

Jonathan, mi amor :)

Happy Birthday! You are the best husband a girl could ever ask for. I know this birthday was bitter sweet as you were expecting to be a soon to be dad, but instead you are the best daddy in the world to Grant. You are the most kind, loving, compassionate, strong man. You are a baby whisperer, child tamer, wonderful daddy to so many. You seriously have a gift when it comes to children and that is one thing that drew me to you those 8 years ago. I remember walking into your church (later our church) with you and seeing a little girl in a white and blue dress run up to you yelling your name and jumping  into your arms. My heart melted in that moment. I am so incredibly proud of you. You have successfully completed your 1st year of college during some of the most stressful, trying times. I love you so much and can't wait to see what this year has in store for you!