Something I'm Thinking About

Grant has inspired me. He has inspired me to be a better mom and wife. He also has inspired me to actually do something with my dream of helping people with my sewing. I love to sew. I'm no great seamstress by any means but I'm not terrible either. We had my aunt make us hats, gowns and blankets for Grant. 2 of each so that we could keep one and keep one on Grant. Having something that he wore or was wrapped in is very healing. The hospital where he was born also had a little tiny crocheted hat that he wore in most of his pictures. It was precious. Our hospital has people that donate little outfits for the NICU babies and little crocheted hats for them. They also have people that donate beautiful blankets and quilts for the babies in the NICU and children in the hospital. However, they don't have anything donated for the tiniest little angels or specifically for the child who go to meet Jesus. Just thinking about a family finding out that their baby has died and then not having items small enough for the child to wear or items that they can take home without leaving the baby without breaks my heart.

There is an organization that I have fallen in love with called Teeny Tears. You can find their website here: Teeny Tears This amazing organization makes and distributes the cutest, tiniest diapers I have ever seen to hospitals for bereaved families. These diapers are so that the infants can have their pictures taken with dignity for the families to keep. All families who have lost a baby treasure whatever photos they have of their little ones. This group also has free patterns for other people to make the diapers and distribute them locally. None of this is done for monetary profit. It's all done to support newly grieving families and I LOVE IT! They also have a woman who will contact your local hospital and find out how many diapers they need for you. Amazing. To help this organization just go to their web page. You can have money donated to their organization by shopping online just like you may normally do and it won't cost you a cent. Find out about that here: Teeny Tears Online Shopping Donations

So here is my idea. It is not fully formed yet and I am not 100% sure how to make it all happen. I want to make diapers, tiny blankets (some as small as 9"x9"), and hats to distribute to my hospital solely for the purpose of babies who have gone to Jesus. This includes babies that die in the NICU. I want to make 2 of everything and make them match so the parents can pick what pattern they want but will also have something to keep exactly like the one that the baby wore. I've even considered making tiny little sleeper gowns for the tiniest babies. I'm going to need help. This is a HUGE project and in my brain it seems even larger. Eventually I would like to have these being donated to all the local hospitals here where I live. I want to be able to bless other peoples lives in the darkest times like my aunt was able to bless us with something as simple as clothes for their baby to wear with dignity. If you would like to help in any way (sewing items, fabric donations, monetary donations to buy fabric, or just prayer for my endeavor) I would appreciate it. Another mom who lost her son is doing something similar where she lives so if you happen to live in North Carolina maybe you could help her instead :) Dancing in the Rain 

Answers

Thursday May 24, 2 months and 1 day after saying goodbye to Grant, we went to the geneticist to get the results of his tests and autopsy. We chose to have these done so we could possibly have answers as to a cause of his severe oligohydramnios (lack of amniotic fluid) and see if there was a chance for it recurring in future pregnancies. Our Geneticist is amazing. I work with her quite often and her bedside manner and empathy are wonderful. She actually came to examine Grant the day he was born and ordered all of the tests so our appointment was only to discuss the results. We learned that Grant had normal chromosomes and no gene defects. This means that there isn't a genetic cause for what happened, which is good. It means that the chances of it happening again are the same as it happening the first time. His autopsy confirmed what his ultrasounds showed us. He had severe oligohydraminos on ultrasound with a distended bladder and enlarged kidneys. He also had only 1 umbilical artery (which can sometimes correlate with renal issues). His autopsy showed that his kidneys were normally formed but slightly distended from urine back up. His bladder was very distended and thickened from being stretched so much. There wasn't a bladder outlet, meaning no way for urine to leave his body. While he was forming something didn't form correctly from his bladder to the outside of his body. Urine makes up most of the amniotic fluid so since it wasn't getting out he didn't have any. Amniotic fluid helps make lungs. His lungs on autopsy were only about 1/4-1/5 of the size they should have been for his gestational age. All of this together equals him having something called Prune Belly Syndrome. The chances of having a baby with this are 1/40,000-1/50,000. These odds don't seem all that high to me now but obviously it's pretty rare. Not all children with Prune Belly Syndrome have such severe oligohydramnios and some are able to survive pregnancy and outside of the womb. Grant however would have never made it. His lungs wouldn't have developed much more and he wouldn't have been able to breathe. Getting the results of his tests actually brought a sense of peace and closure.

Knowing that he didn't have a genetic cause makes me a little more comfortable deciding to try again. However, I'm still really scared. 1/40,000 odds are pretty good, unless you have already been the 1/40,000 and then it feels like 1/1 odds. Lots of moms and dads who have lost babies know how we feel as we embark on this journey to try again. I've lost the innocence of pregnancy. I know that if we ever get pregnant again I am most likely going to have a hard time being really excited until after my big ultrasound. This makes me sad. I loved being pregnant with Grant, even early on when I had morning sickness, but I'm afraid my next pregnancy is going to be covered with fear until I know things are ok. I'm also scared that it is going to take us another 3 years to get pregnant, but hopefully not. Hopefully things will go a little faster this time and we can soon welcome a healthy baby into our home.

Complaints with Thanks

Today I'm linking up to a friend's blog for her link up of complaints with thanks. You are allowed to complain as much as you want but you have to give thanks. I can see how this would be hard sometimes. Being thankful when things are really hard is sometimes not easy but I've found that if I find something to be thankful for it puts me in a better mood.

I HATE that D and A are retiring to their parents on Friday for good. I HATE that since they have "completed" their services people in the system think they are suitable for the children to return despite the things that D comes home saying and we have relayed to all parties involved. I HATE that D, A and their baby sister will likely be back in the system because of this.

I am thankful that we got to spend 13 months with D and A. I thankful for our friends and family who have loved them like they were born into our family and have helped us make an impact in their lives. I am thankful for the CPS system and the work that they do and that sometimes it does work and makes families whole again. I am thankful for D and A's lives and the life of their new baby sister. I am thankful for a God who knows all of the plans that I can place my trust in to keep D and A safe and loved.

Here is the blog I'm linking up to this week. She has been such a huge inspiration and support to me in this walk since losing Grant. Hepler Family Blog

The Garden Greatness

Last summer we moved to a house that sits on half an acre and I LOVE it! I begin planning our garden for this year then, sine it was too late to start one. In the fall I recruited my best friend Allie to help. In the winter I knew by the summer harvesting veggies would be hard while super pregnant in the Texas heat and was glad I had recruited Allie. Then we learned it would be hard for Allie too, yay! We promptly recruited Laura and started Harvesting Joy (we are nerds and named our garden group). Mine and Allie's husbands built the 16ft square box and we ordered dirt. We were planting onions when I got the phone call that my quad screen wasn't normal and these two friends provided support. We planted the rest of the veggies (squash, zucchini, tomatoes, okra, cucumbers, green beans, and peppers) and watermelon after Grant was born. This gave me something to do but it also brought 3 friends together even more. Laura and Allie are true friends, ones who support you, love you, and surround you in prayer. Our garden is growing like crazy and we have been harvesting squash, zucchini, cucumbers and onions. The tomatoes and okra will be ready soon. Since we have an abundance of fresh veggies I have been trying to find ways to prepare them that the kids will like. Here are two favorites so far. I'll post more if we find some :)

1. Grilled squash and zucchini
We sliced both and placed on foil. We then added about 2 tablespoons of butter, garlic and herb seasoning and pepper, wrapped in foil and grilled for about 20 min. They were still slightly crunchy and we ALL loved it.

2. Meatballs with puréed zuchinni
preheat oven to 400
1 lb lean ground beef
2 medium zucchini
3/4 tsp salt
1 small onion diced
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 1/2 tsp Italian seasoning
3/4 tsp oregano
1/2-3/4 tsp cayenne pepper (to taste)
1 1/2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese grated
3/4 cup Italian bread crumbs (may need more for density of meatballs)

1. Slice and boil zucchini until soft
2. Purée without extra water or cooking water.
3. Mix all above ingredients
4. Refrigerate for 30 min (can be longer)
5. Form into 1 1/2in balls and place on foil lined baking sheet
6. Place in preheated oven for 20-25 min until browned and done

We served it with spaghetti and it was delicious

Thankful Thursday #3

I'm really enjoying doing these. It helps me to focus on things I'm thankful for instead of always on things I wish we're different and I feel it really helps me in the grieving process. This is especially true when I think of things I'm thankful for about Grant or D and A.

1. Taking the kids out of daycare last week. This has allowed us to spend so much more time with them this week and I am loving it!
2. My vegetable garden. We have some yummy veggies that have contributed to dinner this week!
3. The time I've had off work. I have the greatest colleagues. I am ready to go back next Monday though, I miss my job.
4. Our neighborhood pool and afternoons spent there with family and friends.
5. Our appointment with the geneticist today. We were told the chances of us having another baby with the same diagnosis is just as rare as it was with Grant, 1:50000. I'll do another post on this a different day.

2 Months

2 months. 2 months without you. Somedays it seems like forever, somedays it seems like yesterday and somedays it seems like a bad dream. 2 months since I held you and kissed your sweet face. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you or miss you. Missing you is getting a little easier. I still have a Grant sized hole but the edges aren't as raw. That hole will always be there but it won't be as painful and that's ok. I smiled and laughed the other day for real for the first time since telling you goodbye. I've smiled and laughed before that but not completely, but the other day it was all of me smiling and laughing and it felt good. I feel like my emotions are bigger now because of you. I love deeper because of you. You have made me want to be a better mom, wife and person. I know I'll be a better doctor, one who understands what it's like to lose a child. I am beyond grateful for your life and so blessed to have you as my son. I love you my baby boy and I always will.

Way to Go D!!!

Today was D's end of year awards assembly for the 1st grade. Earlier this year she received an award for the character trait "responsibility" and she also was chosen good citizen for a 6 week period. Today however was the last of the awards. We were super surprised (no one told us she was getting another award and we didn't think she could get 2 in a year) and super proud when she was chosen to receive the award for the character trait of "Citizenship". She also received an AB honor roll award as well as a certificate for her good citizen award she got earlier in the year.

D,
JaJa and I are so incredibly proud of you. We are so blessed to call you ours, even if it's only been for 13 months of your life and we soon will say goodbye. You have come such a long way in just a year. You went from a first grader that could barely read to making the AB honor roll, with your only B being an 88 in math one time. It makes us so proud that others recognize how sweet you are and that you show it when you are with others. Here is what your teacher said about you: "D has been a model citizen all year. She has developed into a kind and respected leader. She is a great role model to others. She is dependable and hardworking. D is caring and accepting of others. She is always willing to lend a hand to a friend in need. She has been such a blessing to our class and we are lucky to know her." We completely agree with every word that she said about you. D, you are a blessing and a joy. We love you sweet girl!