There are so many things i wish for. What I would love is for other women to share their infertility journey. The inspiration for this blog actually stems from another blog I read where the woman struggled with infertility, then had a baby in the NICU and now has a beautiful toddler. Reading her story really has helped me to see that there is a light at then end of this tunnel.
One of the most difficult things about dealing with infertility is the feeling of loneliness on this journey. You know that there are other people out there with a similar situation, but you still feel so alone. I actually happen to know a few people who are pretty much in the same situation as me, or have been. I don't know if knowing that other people are dealing with this makes it easier because "misery loves company" or if it's because you know that others can relate and also see the success stories.
It seems that more and more people I know are having babies. I actually received a call from a family member a few days ago letting me know that her sister is pregnant. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of her calling me instead of me finding out in person or seeing it on the internet. I'm happy for this person. I'm happy for anyone I know to have a baby, it just takes some time to feel that joy. One of the hardest things is having someone tell you in person that they are pregnant and having to show joy right that moment when you are also feeling pain. It's much easier to be properly happy for that person when you have a chance to process the news in private. It's also hard to be invited to multiple baby showers and I would like people to know that sometimes it hurts to much to go. I don't want my friends/family members thinking I'm not happy for them, because I am. I love that they are being blessed with what I think is God's most amazing creation. I also know that my friends are going to make some of the most amazing parents in the world.
My wish for this blog is to have people understand a little more about the infertility journey, some of the feelings that go along with that, and also to maybe help another woman or couple going through something similar.
Until!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Hope
Hope is "a general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled" (dictionary). I would venture to say that everyone in the world has hope for something. Hope for a better job, a healthy life, a happy family, more money, food to eat, a friend to share life with, the list could go on. I know that there are many things I hope for: A child to love, a baby in my womb, to see the joy on Jonathan's face when he meets his child for the first time, a love filled marriage, and the list could go on for a very long time.
Do you know what the opposite of hope is? It's despair "a state in which all hope is lost or absent" (dictionary). I don't think I felt despair this week, not in the literal definition of the word. I did feel immense sadness that we had not conceived. Sadness that some of the things I hope for have yet to occur. However, not despair. I saw despair today. On the face of a mom in the hospital who was losing her baby. I hope that I never have to experience that, that no one has to experience that. Do you know what it looked like? It looked like the world was coming to an end. Like it took all of her energy just to stand up. You could almost see the rip in her heart.
It really made me think. I had just been talking to a friend about the injustice of life. Going to work and taking care of babies that people have abused has always been difficult. It is even more difficult when you would love nothing more in the world than to have the privilege to be a mom and someone else threw that opportunity down the drain. However, the sadness that comes with that can't even touch the despair I saw today.
What else can I hope in? The Bible tells me to have hope in the Lord. He is the one who has saved me, after all. That hope is what gives me peace. I know that everything happens in His time. However, just because I know that is the case, it doesn't always make me feel better. I don't think that questioning how things are, being sad that something you long for isn't here, makes God angry, or me less of a Christian. I know who He is, what He is capable of (heck I've seen miracles first hand), and that He promises to take care of me. I know all of those things, and yet I still feel sadness. I also know and believe that everything will work out according to His purpose and plan. It's this belief that keeps me going, especially on days like today.
Until!
Do you know what the opposite of hope is? It's despair "a state in which all hope is lost or absent" (dictionary). I don't think I felt despair this week, not in the literal definition of the word. I did feel immense sadness that we had not conceived. Sadness that some of the things I hope for have yet to occur. However, not despair. I saw despair today. On the face of a mom in the hospital who was losing her baby. I hope that I never have to experience that, that no one has to experience that. Do you know what it looked like? It looked like the world was coming to an end. Like it took all of her energy just to stand up. You could almost see the rip in her heart.
It really made me think. I had just been talking to a friend about the injustice of life. Going to work and taking care of babies that people have abused has always been difficult. It is even more difficult when you would love nothing more in the world than to have the privilege to be a mom and someone else threw that opportunity down the drain. However, the sadness that comes with that can't even touch the despair I saw today.
What else can I hope in? The Bible tells me to have hope in the Lord. He is the one who has saved me, after all. That hope is what gives me peace. I know that everything happens in His time. However, just because I know that is the case, it doesn't always make me feel better. I don't think that questioning how things are, being sad that something you long for isn't here, makes God angry, or me less of a Christian. I know who He is, what He is capable of (heck I've seen miracles first hand), and that He promises to take care of me. I know all of those things, and yet I still feel sadness. I also know and believe that everything will work out according to His purpose and plan. It's this belief that keeps me going, especially on days like today.
Until!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Creativity
This is mostly going to be a photo post. Photos of some of the things I have made over the past year or so. Sewing is my stress relief. When I go into my sewing room and start creating things I'm able to escape the chaos for a short time. Plus, it's so much fun to make things for people I love!
Take 2
So we are on to the second successful cycle of Clomid. Successful being that the dose that I am on worked to help me to develop a follicle. Now we wait. Wait to see if I ovulate, wait to see if I get pregnant. That's the worst part about this all, the waiting. You try so hard not to get your hopes up, so hard to tell yourself that it will be ok if this cycle doesn't work, yet you don't really believe any of it.
It's hard for me to realize that this is only our second cycle. I have been taking Clomid since the beginning of January and I don't really remember how many cycles I have been through. However, the first time that the medicine worked was in late April when I reached the maximum dose. So we have been on the infertility journey involving the doctors for 6 months but the first 4 months still don't count towards the total. I was talking to my fertility specialist the other day, asking questions about what's next, etc. He says that you should give it 4-5 cycles of successful Clomid before going on to do further testing/interventions. He knows that we are not willing to do in-vitro fertilization. I can't make myself pay $20-30,000 per cycle on the chance that I could get pregnant when there are thousands of children in this world who need a Mommy and Daddy, not to mention the stress that it puts on a marriage. Our fertility specialist seems to think that I have a really good chance of getting pregnant just on Clomid, so I will trust him.
Where does God fit in all of this? Well, He fits at the beginning, where He belongs. Jonathan and I truly believe that everything will happen within God's timing. Does this mean that we shouldn't seek medical help? No, God placed doctors in our lives for a reason. Do I often ask God why us? Of course, but I know that He can handle it. He can handle our anger, frustration, questions, and pain. He has endured much more than we have and knows what it is like to hurt. I also know that I go to him daily thanking him for what He has done for us. I have been reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" which was recommended to me by a friend who also struggled with infertility. It's a fabulous book. It's based on Hannah from 1 Samuel. Hannah also longed for a child while those close to her seemed to have no trouble conceiving. This book has helped me to realize that I am not alone in this journey. I always knew that Jonathan was part of the journey too, but it still seemed so lonely here. This book really helped me to not feel like a failure and helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I know that everything will work out when it is supposed to, however the human part of me still worries about it.
I have another post coming soon, not at all pertaining to infertility.
Until!
It's hard for me to realize that this is only our second cycle. I have been taking Clomid since the beginning of January and I don't really remember how many cycles I have been through. However, the first time that the medicine worked was in late April when I reached the maximum dose. So we have been on the infertility journey involving the doctors for 6 months but the first 4 months still don't count towards the total. I was talking to my fertility specialist the other day, asking questions about what's next, etc. He says that you should give it 4-5 cycles of successful Clomid before going on to do further testing/interventions. He knows that we are not willing to do in-vitro fertilization. I can't make myself pay $20-30,000 per cycle on the chance that I could get pregnant when there are thousands of children in this world who need a Mommy and Daddy, not to mention the stress that it puts on a marriage. Our fertility specialist seems to think that I have a really good chance of getting pregnant just on Clomid, so I will trust him.
Where does God fit in all of this? Well, He fits at the beginning, where He belongs. Jonathan and I truly believe that everything will happen within God's timing. Does this mean that we shouldn't seek medical help? No, God placed doctors in our lives for a reason. Do I often ask God why us? Of course, but I know that He can handle it. He can handle our anger, frustration, questions, and pain. He has endured much more than we have and knows what it is like to hurt. I also know that I go to him daily thanking him for what He has done for us. I have been reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" which was recommended to me by a friend who also struggled with infertility. It's a fabulous book. It's based on Hannah from 1 Samuel. Hannah also longed for a child while those close to her seemed to have no trouble conceiving. This book has helped me to realize that I am not alone in this journey. I always knew that Jonathan was part of the journey too, but it still seemed so lonely here. This book really helped me to not feel like a failure and helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I know that everything will work out when it is supposed to, however the human part of me still worries about it.
I have another post coming soon, not at all pertaining to infertility.
Until!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Big Changes
There are big changes in our future and I'm excited! This week I was talking with my mentor at work about my future. She also had infertility issues and is about 25 years older than me. She is one of my favorite staff at the hospital and I really learn a lot from her and her wisdom. We were talking about my fertility journey and the fact that Jonathan and I are getting frustrated. I told her that we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by early fall we would be stopping the fertility treatments and start pursuing adoption a little more. I don't want to be in the "thick of it" as my grandpa says when we are moving for my fellowship training. That is when she dropped the bomb.......
"do you really have to go to fellowship this year?" "What is the most important to you?" "If I had to do it again I would have put off my career for a few years so I could have spent more time trying to have my daughter. You can be a doctor forever but you only have a few years to become a mom"
Such insight. I hadn't even thought of it that way. I was just thinking that I needed to go to fellowship because it was what I wanted to do. ER is what I love to do. I would love being a mom more though. She had me thinking, and thinking hard. I drove home from work that day and over dinner started talking it over with Jonathan. I should just stop right here and tell y'all how awesome my husband is. I met him the week before I started medical school. He has supported me through 6 of the craziest years ever. Years where my schedule took me away from him, where I was stressed out, happy and sad days, failures and accomplishments. He is exactly what a Godly husband should be. Ok, on to the story. So I told him what my mentor had said and what I thought about it. I was thinking, "you know, it may be a good idea to take a year to work as a general pediatrician before going to fellowship so we can pursue having a family". He brought up the option of maybe taking more than a year, maybe a few years. He has always wanted to finish his college degree but because he has been working full time to support us while I've been attaining my dream his has had to be put on the back burner. Well, not any more. That's right. I'm going to work full time starting next summer as a Pediatrician and he is going to go back to school.
Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had to give up something that I have been working towards for the past 2 years, something people expect of me. However, it was so liberating. I realized that I will be perfectly happy working as a Pediatrician. Not sure if I will work in Pediatric Urgent care or maybe the ER as a Pediatrician but either one will be fun and fulfilling. Plus, it allows me to have the ability to stay with my current fertility specialist, Dr. Winzek who I love. It also will allow us to have the money to adopt if that is what we decide to do.
It has been fun to dream! When people ask us when we will buy a house we have been saying after fellowship. We were saying "after fellowship" regarding a great deal of things that we want to do. I am ready to be done with training, ready to live life. We have started looking at houses, looking at possibly taking a nice vacation next year, buying Jonathan a new car, being able to start paying off my student loans. It was hard at first to wrap my mind around not going to fellowship. Like I said, I had been preparing for it for so long. I was actually about to start the application process next month. When I would think of my schedule for the fall I was still thinking, well, I will be on interviews, but that's not true anymore and I love it! I am so excited for what God has in store for us!
On the fertility front.... We are on cycle 2 of the current dose of Clomid. The first cycle of this dose did what it was supposed too, I just didn't get pregnant. I have no reason to believe that this cycle won't work but I will know for sure next week at my appointment. I'm sure I'll have to give myself a shot again, oh well, it will all be worth it when we finally have a baby.
Until!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Another One Come and Gone
Another Mother's Day has come and gone. I love my mom! She is fabulous! I just wish that I could celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. It seems that every day I hear about people I grew up with having babies. I can't wait to be a mom. I am about to start another round of meds this month to make me ovulate, hopefully I'll get pregnant.
Jonathan and I talked the other day and it was kinda cool....I had been thinking about the options we have to become parents. I have been praying about this and researching our options. On Friday an idea came into my head and I talked to God about it. My idea was to give our infertility treatments a few more monthsl and if we had no pregnancy we could start the adoption process. We went on a date that night and Jonathan started a conversation talking about when I would be willing to consider adoption. I really think that God is working on our hearts to accept a little one into our lives soon, be it from my room or from someone elses, either way they will be chosen by God.
Now the question is how do you adopt? How do we go about chosing an agency? Do we chose a child wiht disabilities? Do we chose to wait for a newborn? If we say we are ok with disabilities, how far are we willing to go? How old of a child are we willing to take? These are my thoughts. I want a baby, one no older than about 14-15 months, but I would prefer one under about 9 months. I want a child with a normal mental capacity, one that can interact and grow. I would love to have a child with no disabilities but I know that we would be able to provide a wonderful home to a child with dissabilities. I don't want to ask Jonathan to accept a child that is going to be harder to care for because they have dissabilities. I don't know. We will be continuing to pray about it.
until.
Jonathan and I talked the other day and it was kinda cool....I had been thinking about the options we have to become parents. I have been praying about this and researching our options. On Friday an idea came into my head and I talked to God about it. My idea was to give our infertility treatments a few more monthsl and if we had no pregnancy we could start the adoption process. We went on a date that night and Jonathan started a conversation talking about when I would be willing to consider adoption. I really think that God is working on our hearts to accept a little one into our lives soon, be it from my room or from someone elses, either way they will be chosen by God.
Now the question is how do you adopt? How do we go about chosing an agency? Do we chose a child wiht disabilities? Do we chose to wait for a newborn? If we say we are ok with disabilities, how far are we willing to go? How old of a child are we willing to take? These are my thoughts. I want a baby, one no older than about 14-15 months, but I would prefer one under about 9 months. I want a child with a normal mental capacity, one that can interact and grow. I would love to have a child with no disabilities but I know that we would be able to provide a wonderful home to a child with dissabilities. I don't want to ask Jonathan to accept a child that is going to be harder to care for because they have dissabilities. I don't know. We will be continuing to pray about it.
until.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Journey
The infertility journey that is. We have been trying to have a baby since Nov. 2008. I learned in Nov 2009 that I have PCOS. PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disorder where your ovary has lots of cysts (or follicles) but each month you don't make the right hormones in the right amounts to cause you to develop a follicle into an egg and then cause it to release, meaning getting pregnant doesn't happen to often. I have been taking Clomid (a hormone that causes follicles to make eggs) since Jan of this year and the first 3 rounds were unsuccseful. I am now at the max dose of clomid and the last round an egg was developed and released after giving myself a shot (yuck). However, as well all know, people don't always get pregnant the first time. We are taking the month of May off and will be trying again in June.
That's all the facts, but it's not just about facts. It's more about feelings or emotions. I long to have a baby. My arms ache to hold a little one. To wake up at 2am for feedings, to watch them smile for the first time, sit up, roll over, crawl, walk, get into stuff. To see my wonderful husband fall head over heals in love with our child. I walk down the street, go to the mall, go to work and see babies everywhere. It kills me to see people who have children but aren't taking care of them, aren't parenting, or don't seem to love their gifts from God. On the flip side, it's wonderful to see people who treasure their children as the gifts that they are.
Do you know how bad it hurts to see your friends having babies and you are still aching to hold your own? Friends that you grew up with dreaming about having children together. Some of them having their 2nd or 3rd children already and I don't have one. I know that sounds terrible and I am truly happy for them to have children but I want to be where they are. Most days I don't think about it, but then it hits me and I can't help but cry. We are considering adoption and I think that if in a few months the meds don't work we will start working more diligently towards adoption. I really want a baby, not a toddler or preschool aged child. I want a child that I can watch grow from the beginning, who doesn't remember being neglected or abused. Maybe when we are experienced parents we can adopt an older child but I don't think we are ready for that and I'm just not ready to give up my dream of having an infant.
Off to work I must go.
Until
That's all the facts, but it's not just about facts. It's more about feelings or emotions. I long to have a baby. My arms ache to hold a little one. To wake up at 2am for feedings, to watch them smile for the first time, sit up, roll over, crawl, walk, get into stuff. To see my wonderful husband fall head over heals in love with our child. I walk down the street, go to the mall, go to work and see babies everywhere. It kills me to see people who have children but aren't taking care of them, aren't parenting, or don't seem to love their gifts from God. On the flip side, it's wonderful to see people who treasure their children as the gifts that they are.
Do you know how bad it hurts to see your friends having babies and you are still aching to hold your own? Friends that you grew up with dreaming about having children together. Some of them having their 2nd or 3rd children already and I don't have one. I know that sounds terrible and I am truly happy for them to have children but I want to be where they are. Most days I don't think about it, but then it hits me and I can't help but cry. We are considering adoption and I think that if in a few months the meds don't work we will start working more diligently towards adoption. I really want a baby, not a toddler or preschool aged child. I want a child that I can watch grow from the beginning, who doesn't remember being neglected or abused. Maybe when we are experienced parents we can adopt an older child but I don't think we are ready for that and I'm just not ready to give up my dream of having an infant.
Off to work I must go.
Until
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