Outta My Mind

Music has never really been "my thing". I have no musical talent whats-so-ever. However, certain songs in the past have touched me and been special. Ever since Grant's diagnosis and then death music has been more of a constant in my life. It allows me to express my feelings through other's words. It allows me to praise God in the hardest of times. This song has really spoken to me lately. I've heard it countless times on the radio but have just recently started really listening to the words. I've always struggled with looking at other people's lives thinking "when is it going to be my turn?" "When are we going to get to be forever parents?" Well, now that I have lost my son and I am a forever mom to a baby in heaven and I may or may not ever be a forever mom to a child here on earth (since I'm not the one that decides that), I have to keep myself from thinking that way. All that thinking that way gets me is frustrated and disappointed and jealous. Those aren't things that God has for me. Hence, the reason this song speaks to me.

The song is "Outta My Mind" by Anthem Lights. Here are the lyrics followed by a you-tube video.

"Outta My Mind"

Feelin’ like I got a front row seat to watch everybody be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face, it’s so hard to not complain
Gotta try not to say
O God, what about me
‘Cause I know that’s not the way that I’m supposed to be

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

There's a bigger picture on display and it's starting to come in focus
Causing me to see to see the ones in need outside my little world
Gotta try, just to say
O God, what can I do
Doesn't matter what it takes, I wanna lead them all to You

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

If anybody asks me what have I been up to
This is what I'm gonna say
I've been spending my time, outta my mind
And I'm really lovin’ livin’ this way
[x2]

Get me outta my mind and into Your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Get me outta my mind
So I’m gonna start playin’ my part in Your design
Now is the time
Get me outta my mind
Outta my mind

This evening we are going to dinner with friends of ours to celebrate birthdays. I love these people like family and they are some of the best friends Jonathan has and he considers them family. However, I am really nervous about going. There will be 2 babies there. 1 is a one year old little girl that I have seen multiple times. One is a new baby boy who was born the day before Grant's memorial service. We prayed for this couple to have this baby (they had infertility too), and he was born premature while his mommy was really sick. However, I had dreams that their son and our son would grow up being friends (just like their daddies). I'm scared that I'm going to break down and lose it in front of everyone. I think I will have to have this song and a few others on repeat in my head.