Most of you know that I am a Pediatric Hospitalist. This means I am a doctor that only takes care of kids that are sick enough to be hospitalized. I work at the Children's Hospital here in my town. I absolutely love my job. I get to see really sick kids get better and go home. I get to see them go from scared and sick to happy and playful. I get to help parents cope with something horrible happening. I've always tried to remember that their child being sick in the hospital may be the worst thing that has ever happened to them and it is scary. Now that I know personally what it is like to have a child die I truly realize how scary it must be.
We get a variety of illnesses and injuries admitted to the hospital daily. From things that are really simple (like a toddler having tonsils removed) and they go home the next day, to kids with life threatening infections or conditions that stay in the hospital for weeks-months. We also get children with NAT (non-accidental trauma, AKA: Child abuse). I happen to live and work in the county in Texas with the highest incidence of child abuse. We care for A LOT of kids who have been injured by someone else. This is what I don't understand. How, How, can someone hurt a child? How can a child's own mom or dad hurt them? How can they hurt them bad enough that the child dies? I don't understand. For some reason summer time is a time of lots of child abuse, that and around the Christmas Holidays. I don't really know the reason behind this, just know that it is what it is. These cases have always broken my heart. It's one reason I wanted to go into foster care. My second night back at work after Grant died I took care of a child that had been a victim of child abuse. It took all I had not to yell at the family and I seriously wanted to punch them in the face. There was this perfect child that someone had hurt and the family was making up really stupid stories of how it happened. It made me so angry. Angry that this family has this perfect child that someone injured while I don't have mine. Angry that someone could even fathom hurting this child. I don't understand.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
3 Months and The Memorial Service
3 months without you here. Somedays it seems like a lifetime, some days like it was just yesterday. I miss you everyday and think about you all the time. I think about how big I would be right now, 34 weeks pregnant. I think about what we would be doing this summer. Instead we are planning vacation for the week you were due and planning to paint the living room instead of a nursery. You have made me such a better person. I am so thankful for you and your life. I only wish you were here with us but I know that you are in such a better place. I love you sweet baby boy, always have and always will.
Grant's Memorial Service:
This is mainly to help me remember his service one day, I don't want to forget anything about him, so if it's jumbled, my apologies. It's weird, I remember everything with such clarity on the day we found out about his diagnosis, the second ultrasound, the day we went in to be induced and the day he was born. Those days all seemed to go by in slow motion. The day of his service was different though. It seemed to fly by. I remember most of that day with clarity, but some is already beginning to fade, like what was said, and I want to always remember.
April 21, 2012. 2pm. First Baptist Church, Belton, TX.
It was a beautiful day. Sunny and warm. It was a day just like the day he was born, it made me smile. The day we learned of his diagnosis it was storming and cold, it stormed that entire weekend, 3 days of rain. The day he was born it was beautiful spring weather and the day we celebrated his life was beautiful spring weather. His service was beautiful and perfect. (I used beautiful there a lot, oh well) Our pastor from our church we attended before we moved here drove down to perform the service. It was so special to us to have him do this. He was the one that married us and he was the one that Jonathan grew up in the church under. Randy Weeaks, we love you and so appreciate what you did for us. Since we had Grant cremated and we had his service almost a month after he was born we had time to really plan. I created a guest book on shutterfly that included maternity pictures and pictures of Grant as well as a letter I wrote to him from Jonathan and I. My sister made an amazing slide show of Grant's life. Jonathan and I chose the music to play before, during and after the service. We ordered balloons to release at the end and had people write notes on them. My sister actually had a brilliant idea to have people write notes on large address labels and stick them to the balloons, worked wonderfully! We placed some of Grant's things at the front of the church with 2 pictures. His blanket that my aunt made, his footprint impressions and card from the hospital, his monkey, and a Bible that my Mom had bought him.
Our church has been so supportive and loving during this. They had lunch prepared for us before the service so that our family could have lunch without having to worry about where to eat on the way here and so we would have time together. The sound guys did an amazing job with the music timing and volume. I love how softly it was playing when we walked into the church, but just loud enough to hear the words. I was really anxious about his service. I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. We had picked out music to play while people where showing up and before the family entered the sanctuary. The last 2 songs on that list were Glory Baby by Watermark and I Will Carry You by Selah. The last verse of I Will Carry You was playing when we walked into the sanctuary, perfect timing. I love that song. It conveys so well how I feel. The songs before that were SEE by Stephen Curtis Chapman, Blessings by Laura Story and The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me. Right after we were seated we played Beauty Will Rise by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It is by far one of my favorite songs. I love the emotion behind it but more importantly I love the lyrics and how incredibly true they are. Here is a you tube video of the song.
Grant's Memorial Service:
This is mainly to help me remember his service one day, I don't want to forget anything about him, so if it's jumbled, my apologies. It's weird, I remember everything with such clarity on the day we found out about his diagnosis, the second ultrasound, the day we went in to be induced and the day he was born. Those days all seemed to go by in slow motion. The day of his service was different though. It seemed to fly by. I remember most of that day with clarity, but some is already beginning to fade, like what was said, and I want to always remember.
April 21, 2012. 2pm. First Baptist Church, Belton, TX.
It was a beautiful day. Sunny and warm. It was a day just like the day he was born, it made me smile. The day we learned of his diagnosis it was storming and cold, it stormed that entire weekend, 3 days of rain. The day he was born it was beautiful spring weather and the day we celebrated his life was beautiful spring weather. His service was beautiful and perfect. (I used beautiful there a lot, oh well) Our pastor from our church we attended before we moved here drove down to perform the service. It was so special to us to have him do this. He was the one that married us and he was the one that Jonathan grew up in the church under. Randy Weeaks, we love you and so appreciate what you did for us. Since we had Grant cremated and we had his service almost a month after he was born we had time to really plan. I created a guest book on shutterfly that included maternity pictures and pictures of Grant as well as a letter I wrote to him from Jonathan and I. My sister made an amazing slide show of Grant's life. Jonathan and I chose the music to play before, during and after the service. We ordered balloons to release at the end and had people write notes on them. My sister actually had a brilliant idea to have people write notes on large address labels and stick them to the balloons, worked wonderfully! We placed some of Grant's things at the front of the church with 2 pictures. His blanket that my aunt made, his footprint impressions and card from the hospital, his monkey, and a Bible that my Mom had bought him.
Our church has been so supportive and loving during this. They had lunch prepared for us before the service so that our family could have lunch without having to worry about where to eat on the way here and so we would have time together. The sound guys did an amazing job with the music timing and volume. I love how softly it was playing when we walked into the church, but just loud enough to hear the words. I was really anxious about his service. I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. We had picked out music to play while people where showing up and before the family entered the sanctuary. The last 2 songs on that list were Glory Baby by Watermark and I Will Carry You by Selah. The last verse of I Will Carry You was playing when we walked into the sanctuary, perfect timing. I love that song. It conveys so well how I feel. The songs before that were SEE by Stephen Curtis Chapman, Blessings by Laura Story and The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me. Right after we were seated we played Beauty Will Rise by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It is by far one of my favorite songs. I love the emotion behind it but more importantly I love the lyrics and how incredibly true they are. Here is a you tube video of the song.
After the song was played our pastor said some things about us and Grant. I wish I had it recorded to remember exactly what was said, but I do remember that every word spoken was truth, and some even caused some laughter. We then had Randy read a letter I had written to Grant from Jonathan and I. After the letter we had a slide show of Grant's life that my sister put together. Have I mentioned how amazing she is? Here is the you tube video of his slide show. The music is Gone Too Soon by Daughtry.
When the slide show ended Randy spoke again, this time a little about Grant and our love for him, but mostly about how amazing heaven will be and how we will see Grant again. He even spoke about what Grant's name means (Great) and how much greater Grant will be in Heaven. When the service was over we played Praise You In The Storm by Casting Crowns and Our God Is In Control by Stephen Curtis Chapman while people were writing the notes and taking their balloons. Once again, perfect timing as Our God Is In Control ended as Jonathan and I left the Sanctuary as the last people to leave. We walked outside and together released the balloons. It was so beautiful to watch them float away, mixing together, flying high on the wind. It was a beautiful day to celebrate our baby boy's life and I am so glad that we had the chance to do so.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Andrea's Sayings Today
Andrea, talking and talking and talking. Jonathan says "Why do you talk so much?" She says "Because God gave us a mouth to talk."
See's the preview for the movie Brave on TV. "I like that girl with the orange hair, that's the movie Brave with the hippopotamus."
Andrea: "Where's JaJa?"
Me: "at his school"
Andrea: "AAAGAIN?"
Andrea: "sometimes I call my Grandpa Shoemaker, Grandpa Shoe Bybee"
Me: "That's not his name, why do you call him that?"
Andrea: "It's ok if it's not his name, that's what I'm calling him"
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I Am Blessed...Thankful Thursday #5
I am blessed. I have seen countless posts recently on my Facebook feed of people saying they are blessed because good things have happened or because God answered their prayers in the way that they wanted. I however almost never see people saying they are blessed when things don't go the way they wanted. I also hardly ever see people saying God answered their prayers when God says "no" or "wait". But aren't we still blessed and doesn't God still answer our prayers? We prayed that Grant would be healed and we would get to keep him here with us, but that didn't happen. That doesn't mean God didn't answer, it just means He didn't answer the way we wanted. God heard our cries, he still loves us, and he does have a plan for us.
God didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted but he still answered. He is still working in our lives. I see him all around me and I feel him closer than ever before. I am blessed. I am blessed to have gotten pregnant with Grant at all. It took 3 years to know what life growing inside me felt like. I am blessed to have those 21 weeks with him. I am blessed to have gotten to hold and love on him. I am blessed to be the mommy to foster children. I am blessed.
God didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted but he still answered. He is still working in our lives. I see him all around me and I feel him closer than ever before. I am blessed. I am blessed to have gotten pregnant with Grant at all. It took 3 years to know what life growing inside me felt like. I am blessed to have those 21 weeks with him. I am blessed to have gotten to hold and love on him. I am blessed to be the mommy to foster children. I am blessed.
Things No Parent Wants to Do
Jonathan's birthday is approaching and mine will follow. We were talking about what we want for our birthday the other day. We both want the same thing but don't really want it either. We want to order Grant's headstone. I also want an urn for his ashes. We decided to have Grant cremated. We spread some of his ashes at a beautiful beach and we have some so that we can always have him with us. We are choosing to place a headstone at my grandfather's grave. I want a permanent place for him, a place we can go to. This may not make sense to others, but I don't really care, it is what we want for Grant. We are looking at grave markers. We know what we want, just don't know how to go about to get it done. I've also been looking at urns online. I haven't found one that is just right yet and I want it to be perfect too. No parent wants to pick out these things for their child, and they definitely don't want to say it is what they want for their birthday. However, we want to do this because it is for our son, our beautiful little boy and we want to honor him.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
Father's Day. A day to celebrate fathers. This day has been weighing heavily on me since Mother's Day passed. I want to celebrate Jonathan. I know this day is going to be hard for him. We currently have no children living with us, D and A are back with their biological family and Grant is in Heaven. He is still a father. One of the best Daddys I have ever seen.
Jonathan (JaJa),
You are an amazing husband and daddy. You have loved all of our children unconditionally just like you were called to do. You have taught our foster kids what it is like to have a real dad. You have taught them by example what a real man treats his wife and the mother of their children like. They have adored you. Not only have you set an example for our foster kids, you are a dad to Andrea too. You have been an amazing influence on her young life. She has learned what a daddy is supposed to be like from you, something she will never forget. As soon as we found out we were expecting Grant, the smile on your face and your excitement was so precious. You loved him instantly and I know you love him as much as I do. You have been an amazing daddy to him, the best daddy he could ever ask or wish for here on earth. I Love You!
I also want to say happy Father's Day to the man that taught me to play softball, basketball, how to fish, how to hunt, and always cheered me on, Happy Father's Day Daddy.
I have 2 great men in my life that are both fathers. My own dad and my husband. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for my dad. I wouldn't want to do life without Jonathan and I am so glad he is the father of my children.
Jonathan (JaJa),
You are an amazing husband and daddy. You have loved all of our children unconditionally just like you were called to do. You have taught our foster kids what it is like to have a real dad. You have taught them by example what a real man treats his wife and the mother of their children like. They have adored you. Not only have you set an example for our foster kids, you are a dad to Andrea too. You have been an amazing influence on her young life. She has learned what a daddy is supposed to be like from you, something she will never forget. As soon as we found out we were expecting Grant, the smile on your face and your excitement was so precious. You loved him instantly and I know you love him as much as I do. You have been an amazing daddy to him, the best daddy he could ever ask or wish for here on earth. I Love You!
I also want to say happy Father's Day to the man that taught me to play softball, basketball, how to fish, how to hunt, and always cheered me on, Happy Father's Day Daddy.
I have 2 great men in my life that are both fathers. My own dad and my husband. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for my dad. I wouldn't want to do life without Jonathan and I am so glad he is the father of my children.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A Movie That Made Me Think
I may be behind the times here, but I recently watched the movie Courageous for the first time. I had been wanting to see it, just hadn't done it. I knew that it was a movie about some police officers and it is faith based, other than that, I had no idea what it was about. I personally thought it was a really good movie. It's about a few officers who work for the sheriff's department and are fathers. One of these men looses his 9 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. This loss is what inspires him to make the resolution to be a better father and to get his friends involved in this resolution.
That right there made me think. Those of us who have lost children know how much our children inspire us. These children of ours in heaven inspire us to be better moms, dads, doctors, teachers, etc. They also inspire us to do great things to help other families who are suffering like we are. The pain of losing a child is so incredibly deep there are few things that lessen it. I know for me, one thing that has helped me tremendously in my grief is to help others who are going through what I have already gone through. It absolutely breaks my heart to hear about another family having to say goodbye and it makes me want to lessen their pain anyway possible.
Another part of the movie after his daughter dies he is talking to his pastor for advice. The pastor said something that really, really made me think. The pastor said this "There needs to be a grieving process and the Lord is the one who carries you through it. It takes time, it takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who have lost a loved one that in some ways it is like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but your never the same. But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. God doesn't promise an explanation but he does promise to walk with us through the pain. The hard choice for you is whether or not you are going to be angry for the time you didn't have with her, or grateful for the time you did have."
Wow! I totally needed to hear that when I heard it. One, I needed to hear that I can chose to be angry or thankful. I also needed to hear that it's ok that I will never be the same. It is like an amputation, living without your child. I have changed. I am no longer the person I was and that is ok. I actually think that I am turning into a better person because of Grant. I am choosing to be thankful for the 21 wonderful weeks I had with Grant. I am choosing to be thankful for his life and the impact it has had on me and those around me. I am choosing to be thankful that God has placed a burden on my heart to help other families who are hurting. God is working in this situation. He is carrying me on this journey where pain is so deep you feel like you can't catch your breath at times, but when I remind myself to completely lean on God, the pain lessens.
Something as simple as watching this movie has helped me to have hope. This journey isn't easy. I still have bad days, really bad days, but I have good days too. I can see myself peeking through again where at one time I couldn't see me for the fog of pain and grief. I think that I am liking the person I am becoming. I know that Grant has a huge part of who that person is. I love Grant so incredibly much, I think of him daily, and I miss him all the time. I don't think those things will change before the day I see him again in Heaven, but I'm ok with that. I'm ok with completely depending on a God who I know loves me and is holding Grant safe. I know hard days will come, but I know that God will carry me through those like he has carried me through the last 11 weeks and 4 days.
That right there made me think. Those of us who have lost children know how much our children inspire us. These children of ours in heaven inspire us to be better moms, dads, doctors, teachers, etc. They also inspire us to do great things to help other families who are suffering like we are. The pain of losing a child is so incredibly deep there are few things that lessen it. I know for me, one thing that has helped me tremendously in my grief is to help others who are going through what I have already gone through. It absolutely breaks my heart to hear about another family having to say goodbye and it makes me want to lessen their pain anyway possible.
Another part of the movie after his daughter dies he is talking to his pastor for advice. The pastor said something that really, really made me think. The pastor said this "There needs to be a grieving process and the Lord is the one who carries you through it. It takes time, it takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who have lost a loved one that in some ways it is like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but your never the same. But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. God doesn't promise an explanation but he does promise to walk with us through the pain. The hard choice for you is whether or not you are going to be angry for the time you didn't have with her, or grateful for the time you did have."
Wow! I totally needed to hear that when I heard it. One, I needed to hear that I can chose to be angry or thankful. I also needed to hear that it's ok that I will never be the same. It is like an amputation, living without your child. I have changed. I am no longer the person I was and that is ok. I actually think that I am turning into a better person because of Grant. I am choosing to be thankful for the 21 wonderful weeks I had with Grant. I am choosing to be thankful for his life and the impact it has had on me and those around me. I am choosing to be thankful that God has placed a burden on my heart to help other families who are hurting. God is working in this situation. He is carrying me on this journey where pain is so deep you feel like you can't catch your breath at times, but when I remind myself to completely lean on God, the pain lessens.
Something as simple as watching this movie has helped me to have hope. This journey isn't easy. I still have bad days, really bad days, but I have good days too. I can see myself peeking through again where at one time I couldn't see me for the fog of pain and grief. I think that I am liking the person I am becoming. I know that Grant has a huge part of who that person is. I love Grant so incredibly much, I think of him daily, and I miss him all the time. I don't think those things will change before the day I see him again in Heaven, but I'm ok with that. I'm ok with completely depending on a God who I know loves me and is holding Grant safe. I know hard days will come, but I know that God will carry me through those like he has carried me through the last 11 weeks and 4 days.
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