I'm going to be honest. A pregnancy after loss is filled with fear. I'm a pediatrician so I knew a great deal of things could go wrong before we lost Grant. However, I was still innocent in my own pregnancy brain. Now, I'm not! I'm scared. Not all the time but often. Amelia looked perfectly healthy on ultrasound so we know that she has two functioning kidneys, a nice sized bladder and plenty of amniotic fluid. She doesn't have what Grant did and for that we are thankful. However, that doesn't mean that I'm 100% guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl in August. Since we lost Grant last spring I have become friends with many women who have lost babies that were part of a seemingly perfectly healthy pregnancy. I know that there are no guarantees in this life and that I should trust God, and I do trust Him, but I am still scared for my baby. I am sometimes haunted by nightmares of losing her. They are all different so far, but all seem just as real and all cause me not to be able to go back to sleep because of the fear. I lay in bed reciting scripture which helps calm me down but doesn't bring sleep. I am so thankful for my friends who have experienced healthy pregnancy after loss and those that are walking the road with me right now. The prayers and support they offer is such a relief. They truly get it. We go back to the doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to hear the amazing sound of her heart beating loud and clear.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Prayers that God gentles your heart and all your worries! I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had some words of wisdom to pass along to you but I don't :/. Only the passing time of pregnancy and a happy, healthy, safe arrival of your baby will ever really ease your mind.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you girl. Hang in there!
xoxox
Oh friend, it is so hard. I'm thinking of you and praying that your heart is calmed as you pass each milestone in your pregnancy!
ReplyDeletePraying for you to have peace in your heart and for a healthy pregnancy/healthy Amelia! Even as someone who has never lost a child, I still had fear with both pregnancies (more with the 2nd). Hearing the heartbeat each week helped tremendously! Love you, sweet friend!
ReplyDeleteUgh...I can't stand it when Satan attacks during the night. He knows that's the perfect time for fear to creep in and take away joy. After having a miscarriage and then getting pregnant with Jake, I can definitely relate to your worry. I think I ran myself to my OB almost twice a week during my first trimester because I worried so, and it didn't stop there. And now at the age of six, I still find things to worry about. Ahhh...these little babies turn our worlds totally upside down. :) Praying for perfect peace for you, Kristy!! Love you, Friend!!
ReplyDeleteI would feel the same -if I was to get pregnant again, Kristy. I know it's not the same exactly, but going into that gender appt will scare the dickens out of me. I am rejoicing that Amelia is doing awesome and will pray unceasingly for that to continue. So so happy for you!
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