Where I Am

Today I am 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my second baby, Amelia Kathryn. That is 9 days longer than I had with my firstborn, Grant Oliver. I am treasuring every single minute of this pregnancy because I know that it could be over in the blink of an eye. However, I am also proceeding with caution because of past events. I lay awake at night talking to God. Thanking Him for each day I have with her. Praising him for allowing me to be a mommy again. Praying to Him that he would please please protect this little one and allow us to see her grow up. Thanking Him for the time I had with Grant and the things that my little boy has taught me about life, such as treasuring every moment with his little sister. Some days it takes my breath away that I have passed the time that I had with him and that I now have had her longer. Some days I miss him so incredibly much. Like when I'm lying in bed talking to God and she is kicking away. I miss his little kicks, but love feeling hers at the same time. It's such a mixed bag of emotions, pregnancy after a loss. Most days are joyful with anticipation of meeting this little girl who I have a feeling will be long just like her brother. Some moments (not days) are sad when I think of what I missed with him or how I wish I could have experienced this milestone with him.

I'm now pregnant enough that people can definitely tell and are asking me when I am due and if this is my first baby. That question is always so hard for me. If they are a stranger passing me in Target then the answer is usually yes, that she is my first. If I say that she isn't my first then the questions follow as to how old my other children are and how am I supposed to explain that to perfect strangers. However, if I will have the chance of interacting with these people again, the answer is no and I tell them about Grant. Oftentimes this is followed by looks of pity as well as a look on their face of "I should have kept my mouth shut". Oh well, he's my son and I will tell you about him if we are going to be just acquaintances.

Here are some pictures from our recent vacation to Colorado. We went to Pikes Peak one day. Wow, it was cold and so beautiful!

Amelia Update

I had a standard OB appointment today and all went well! Amelia's heartbeat was in the 140s and sounded amazing as always. I've really felt her kicking quite a lot in the last couple of days and it is so amazing. She is measuring abou a week and a half to 2 weeks ahead which is consistent with our ultrasound a few weeks ago. Then her length is the only thing that was measuring ahead which is still likely the case. Grant was almost 2 inches longer than the average baby at his gestational age. We go back in about 3 weeks!

Fear

I'm going to be honest. A pregnancy after loss is filled with fear. I'm a pediatrician so I knew a great deal of things could go wrong before we lost Grant. However, I was still innocent in my own pregnancy brain. Now, I'm not! I'm scared. Not all the time but often. Amelia looked perfectly healthy on ultrasound so we know that she has two functioning kidneys, a nice sized bladder and plenty of amniotic fluid. She doesn't have what Grant did and for that we are thankful. However, that doesn't mean that I'm 100% guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl in August. Since we lost Grant last spring I have become friends with many women who have lost babies that were part of a seemingly perfectly healthy pregnancy. I know that there are no guarantees in this life and that I should trust God, and I do trust Him, but I am still scared for my baby. I am sometimes haunted by nightmares of losing her. They are all different so far, but all seem just as real and all cause me not to be able to go back to sleep because of the fear. I lay in bed reciting scripture which helps calm me down but doesn't bring sleep. I am so thankful for my friends who have experienced healthy pregnancy after loss and those that are walking the road with me right now. The prayers and support they offer is such a relief. They truly get it. We go back to the doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to hear the amazing sound of her heart beating loud and clear.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7