6 Months

September 23. 6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days. I still miss him. I miss him so much it still makes me catch my breath sometimes. Other times it doesn't sting quite as badly, but it is still there. In the last 6 months I have known pain that I wish no one knew. I have also seen things more clearly and appreciated things more deeply than I have in the previous months and years of my life. Loss will do that you, you know. Break you down and make you see what is truly important and make you appreciate the little things. I have always loved sunny days but ever since losing Grant on the brightest, clearest days I will stop and thank God for the sunshine. Grant was born on a beautifully sunny day and it makes me smile to think of him. Sometimes I smile and cry at the same time. I am so so thankful for his life. He made me a mommy. He gave me a wonderful 21 weeks and has taught me to see things so differently. I love him and miss him every day. I love him and what he has taught me. He's taught me things that I don't think a living child could have.

We went to church today. Not to our normal church but to church with a new friend. There they sang the song "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I can't remember if I have heard the song before. I think I have but I don't ever remember it touching me like this. My favorite lyrics are in the first and last stanza. 

Here is a you tube version with lyrics to follow. I lost it in church. I sat there sobbing. "Blessed the Lord, Oh My Soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship His holy name." I could do a better job of worshiping God through my grief. I know He is good and full of mercy, kindness and grace. I love that He is full of grace. It means it's ok that I screw up because His grace covers it. It means it's ok that some days I am angry that my son is dead. It also means that I can come back to Him and he will hold me tightly and love me. That is what I'm doing. Going back into God's embrace. I am going to worship Him in my pain. The two stanzas that are my favorite are highlighted. 

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus x2]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

I still need to feature my sweet hubby on here. He recently wrote a sonnet for class that is beautiful. Maybe he will let me share it with y'all. 

Grant,

I love you more than I have the words to say. I miss you daily but I rejoice in knowing that one day we will meet again and I will spend eternity with you. I am thankful for the 21 weeks I had with you. I am also thankful for what your life has done for mine. I have made friends and have been able to be an encouragement to others on this journey, all because of you sweet boy. Your life is truly a miracle and I am so thankful God gave me you. I love you. 

Mommy