1 month later.....jumbled thoughts

How has it been one month since we said goodbye? How is that possible? As soon as we learned of Grant's diagnosis I felt like my world stopped but the world continues on. It has been just over 6 weeks since that awful day. Sometimes this all feels like a very bad dream. I'm back in regular clothes, actually my regular clothes are too big because I lost weight while pregnant. I physically feel pretty normal. What I wouldn't give to be tired again because of the life growing inside of me, instead of tired because I lay awake at night thinking of him. In the past month we have been back to the OB, received some lab results for Grant, picked up his death certificate and ashes, and had his memorial service. Details of his service will come in another post. I should be almost 26 weeks pregnant and instead I am one month post-partum. I miss him as much today as I did the day I said goodbye. Sometimes I wish I could hold him just one more time and then realize that all the time in the world wouldn't have seemed like enough. Oh how I love that little boy.

We had our post-partum appointment 3 weeks after I delivered Grant. It was so hard to sit there just 3 weeks after saying goodbye. Walking back into that office where we used to go with joy was so so hard. I have to say though that our OB, the high risk OB who did our ultrasounds and the OB who stepped in for our care since mine was on maternity leave during all of this, have been amazing. If you live around here and need an OB I would recommend all of them. Part of this visit was talking about how I feel, part was talking about how we are coping, part was talking about the results of some of the tests they did on Grant and part was talking about future pregnancies. It is so hard to talk about future pregnancies. First, I don't know how I feel about being pregnant again. The thought is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Will we be able to get pregnant again? It took us 3 years to get pregnant with Grant. Will the next pregnancy end in a healthy baby? If it doesn't can we survive losing another baby. If we have another baby will people forget about Grant? He can't be replaced. I loved being pregnant, really loved it and almost can't wait to be pregnant again, but then all of the above questions come flooding back. When do we start trying again? How long do we wait? Do we try on our own or go straight back into fertility treatments? See, I'm totally confused but it's a good thing I don't have to decide on anything right now. It's an even better thing that God knows the plans for us so we shall keep seeking God's will and follow Him.

The past month hasn't been all bad though, we have had good moments. I don't cry all the time anymore. Sometimes tears only fall briefly once a day, sometimes more. It's easier every day to get up and keep moving, although sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks and you have to catch your breath.  D and A are always sure to put a smile on my face. Just because we have lost Grant doesn't mean we can stop being parents to D and A. We have had a slumber party for D's birthday and are planning A's 3rd birthday party. Oh how I love those 2. D is so very sweet. She will randomly come up and hug you and say "I love you like my real mommy." Lately during her bedtime prayers she has been telling God thank you for letting her meet us and letting her live here while her parents learn how to be parents. A's smile is contagious and how he has grown and learned in the past year is amazing. I wish I could share pictures of them so you could see how beautiful they are.

Lost. Yesterday I said sometimes I just feel lost, and I do. I have this odd feeling of not knowing what to do next. I should be out shopping for a maternity dress to wear to resident graduation and maternity clothes to wear on vacation in two weeks. I should be making lists of guests for my baby showers that should be coming up. Instead in the past few weeks I was planning Grant's service, but yesterday that was done too. It somehow seems so much more final now. Maybe it is because that was one of the last major things I get to do for him and it's done. We still have to order his headstone that we are putting at the foot of my grandparents grave and we are still going to spread his ashes at a place special to us but having his service made it all seem so final. I know that in Christ I am found, not lost, and for that I am so very thankful. I honestly can say that I don't think we would make it through this without our faith in God. Knowing that God knows my pain, he knows my sorrow, he knows what it is like to watch his Son die and that God hasn't and won't abandon us it what gets me through each day. He still loves us, even when we are angry and hurt. He loves us no matter what, that is true unconditional love.

It's been one month without my baby boy, but one day I will get forever with him.