Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Creativity
This is mostly going to be a photo post. Photos of some of the things I have made over the past year or so. Sewing is my stress relief. When I go into my sewing room and start creating things I'm able to escape the chaos for a short time. Plus, it's so much fun to make things for people I love!
Take 2
So we are on to the second successful cycle of Clomid. Successful being that the dose that I am on worked to help me to develop a follicle. Now we wait. Wait to see if I ovulate, wait to see if I get pregnant. That's the worst part about this all, the waiting. You try so hard not to get your hopes up, so hard to tell yourself that it will be ok if this cycle doesn't work, yet you don't really believe any of it.
It's hard for me to realize that this is only our second cycle. I have been taking Clomid since the beginning of January and I don't really remember how many cycles I have been through. However, the first time that the medicine worked was in late April when I reached the maximum dose. So we have been on the infertility journey involving the doctors for 6 months but the first 4 months still don't count towards the total. I was talking to my fertility specialist the other day, asking questions about what's next, etc. He says that you should give it 4-5 cycles of successful Clomid before going on to do further testing/interventions. He knows that we are not willing to do in-vitro fertilization. I can't make myself pay $20-30,000 per cycle on the chance that I could get pregnant when there are thousands of children in this world who need a Mommy and Daddy, not to mention the stress that it puts on a marriage. Our fertility specialist seems to think that I have a really good chance of getting pregnant just on Clomid, so I will trust him.
Where does God fit in all of this? Well, He fits at the beginning, where He belongs. Jonathan and I truly believe that everything will happen within God's timing. Does this mean that we shouldn't seek medical help? No, God placed doctors in our lives for a reason. Do I often ask God why us? Of course, but I know that He can handle it. He can handle our anger, frustration, questions, and pain. He has endured much more than we have and knows what it is like to hurt. I also know that I go to him daily thanking him for what He has done for us. I have been reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" which was recommended to me by a friend who also struggled with infertility. It's a fabulous book. It's based on Hannah from 1 Samuel. Hannah also longed for a child while those close to her seemed to have no trouble conceiving. This book has helped me to realize that I am not alone in this journey. I always knew that Jonathan was part of the journey too, but it still seemed so lonely here. This book really helped me to not feel like a failure and helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I know that everything will work out when it is supposed to, however the human part of me still worries about it.
I have another post coming soon, not at all pertaining to infertility.
Until!
It's hard for me to realize that this is only our second cycle. I have been taking Clomid since the beginning of January and I don't really remember how many cycles I have been through. However, the first time that the medicine worked was in late April when I reached the maximum dose. So we have been on the infertility journey involving the doctors for 6 months but the first 4 months still don't count towards the total. I was talking to my fertility specialist the other day, asking questions about what's next, etc. He says that you should give it 4-5 cycles of successful Clomid before going on to do further testing/interventions. He knows that we are not willing to do in-vitro fertilization. I can't make myself pay $20-30,000 per cycle on the chance that I could get pregnant when there are thousands of children in this world who need a Mommy and Daddy, not to mention the stress that it puts on a marriage. Our fertility specialist seems to think that I have a really good chance of getting pregnant just on Clomid, so I will trust him.
Where does God fit in all of this? Well, He fits at the beginning, where He belongs. Jonathan and I truly believe that everything will happen within God's timing. Does this mean that we shouldn't seek medical help? No, God placed doctors in our lives for a reason. Do I often ask God why us? Of course, but I know that He can handle it. He can handle our anger, frustration, questions, and pain. He has endured much more than we have and knows what it is like to hurt. I also know that I go to him daily thanking him for what He has done for us. I have been reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" which was recommended to me by a friend who also struggled with infertility. It's a fabulous book. It's based on Hannah from 1 Samuel. Hannah also longed for a child while those close to her seemed to have no trouble conceiving. This book has helped me to realize that I am not alone in this journey. I always knew that Jonathan was part of the journey too, but it still seemed so lonely here. This book really helped me to not feel like a failure and helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I know that everything will work out when it is supposed to, however the human part of me still worries about it.
I have another post coming soon, not at all pertaining to infertility.
Until!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Big Changes
There are big changes in our future and I'm excited! This week I was talking with my mentor at work about my future. She also had infertility issues and is about 25 years older than me. She is one of my favorite staff at the hospital and I really learn a lot from her and her wisdom. We were talking about my fertility journey and the fact that Jonathan and I are getting frustrated. I told her that we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by early fall we would be stopping the fertility treatments and start pursuing adoption a little more. I don't want to be in the "thick of it" as my grandpa says when we are moving for my fellowship training. That is when she dropped the bomb.......
"do you really have to go to fellowship this year?" "What is the most important to you?" "If I had to do it again I would have put off my career for a few years so I could have spent more time trying to have my daughter. You can be a doctor forever but you only have a few years to become a mom"
Such insight. I hadn't even thought of it that way. I was just thinking that I needed to go to fellowship because it was what I wanted to do. ER is what I love to do. I would love being a mom more though. She had me thinking, and thinking hard. I drove home from work that day and over dinner started talking it over with Jonathan. I should just stop right here and tell y'all how awesome my husband is. I met him the week before I started medical school. He has supported me through 6 of the craziest years ever. Years where my schedule took me away from him, where I was stressed out, happy and sad days, failures and accomplishments. He is exactly what a Godly husband should be. Ok, on to the story. So I told him what my mentor had said and what I thought about it. I was thinking, "you know, it may be a good idea to take a year to work as a general pediatrician before going to fellowship so we can pursue having a family". He brought up the option of maybe taking more than a year, maybe a few years. He has always wanted to finish his college degree but because he has been working full time to support us while I've been attaining my dream his has had to be put on the back burner. Well, not any more. That's right. I'm going to work full time starting next summer as a Pediatrician and he is going to go back to school.
Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had to give up something that I have been working towards for the past 2 years, something people expect of me. However, it was so liberating. I realized that I will be perfectly happy working as a Pediatrician. Not sure if I will work in Pediatric Urgent care or maybe the ER as a Pediatrician but either one will be fun and fulfilling. Plus, it allows me to have the ability to stay with my current fertility specialist, Dr. Winzek who I love. It also will allow us to have the money to adopt if that is what we decide to do.
It has been fun to dream! When people ask us when we will buy a house we have been saying after fellowship. We were saying "after fellowship" regarding a great deal of things that we want to do. I am ready to be done with training, ready to live life. We have started looking at houses, looking at possibly taking a nice vacation next year, buying Jonathan a new car, being able to start paying off my student loans. It was hard at first to wrap my mind around not going to fellowship. Like I said, I had been preparing for it for so long. I was actually about to start the application process next month. When I would think of my schedule for the fall I was still thinking, well, I will be on interviews, but that's not true anymore and I love it! I am so excited for what God has in store for us!
On the fertility front.... We are on cycle 2 of the current dose of Clomid. The first cycle of this dose did what it was supposed too, I just didn't get pregnant. I have no reason to believe that this cycle won't work but I will know for sure next week at my appointment. I'm sure I'll have to give myself a shot again, oh well, it will all be worth it when we finally have a baby.
Until!
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